Question on roommate etiquette.

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I am not sure exactly how to go about dealing with my roommate's guests. He will often head to bed and let them just sit there however long they want. Am I required to play host or can I go off and do something else. I have tried to talk to him about asking him to tell his guests to leave at the end of the night, however he gets all frustrated and angry when I bring it up, so I stopped trying.

My boyfriend is insists that we must play host like "the ladies book of etiquette" says to do. I told him a book from the late 1800's is likey outdated.


Any advice?

Your roommate is the kind of person who will (too frequently) find household possessions missing. It is a situation begging for some theft.

From your point of view, it is entirely appropriate and good-mannered to wind down the conversation for five or 10 minutes after your roommate leaves and announce that "It's late, and I need to lock up. Thanks for dropping by." They get the hint and should remember your unspoken rules in the future. After all, they aren't your friends. You have no obligation to them beyond showing them to the door, locking it after they leave and waiting the requisite two minutes to turn off the porch light.

But, what happens when you aren't there and your roommate bails on his "friends?" Would they rifle through the living room cabinets, the kitchen drawers, your bedroom and any pharmaceuticals in your bathroom? Longterm, I would be looking for a new home. Your household and its collection of personal stuff can't risk the kind of lax environment that your roommate seems to want. Personal safety is another reason to examine your current situation. I have witnessed friends of friends who turn ugly when they believe that the household is just a free-for-all for their enjoyment.

You live there and pay your part of everything. Therefore, it's your house too, and if you want them out, you have every right to say so, especially when your roommate goes to bed--why should you be expected to entertain his friends?

Even though it's very thoughtful and kind of you to cater to the friends your roommate leaves high and dry, I think you should not be made responsible for continuing hosting duties for someone else's abandoned friends.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I think that in some circumstances it can still be considered a wee tad bit rude, even in the 21st century, for your friend to just leave his friends sitting there, while he goes to bed. At the very least he should announce to them, "Well everyone I'm going to have to kick you out for tonight, but it's been fun dudes." They're his guests and his responsibility.

Or -- if it's all extremely casual, and he doesn't mind the friends letting themselves out when they're ready to go, and they feel comfortable about that too, then I think you have no further obligation to stick around for them.

Even though I think your roommate is being kind of rude to just abandon them in the living room, in a kind of weird logic, I actually don't think it would be rude for you to do what you want and go away too. Because your roommate is the one whose friends they are, and it's not your responsibility to cater to them if he has abandoned them and gone to bed.

You're very sweet to try to pick up the hosting duties, but unless you're actually having a good time yourself with the friends, I don't see why you shouldn't also just go to bed or do what you want to do, and let them know to let themselves out.
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Forget the "book of etiquette."

Your friend should entertain his friends, not leave you to host HIS friends.

The best thing to do is to tell them (in a nice way) that you want to go to sleep, that it was a pleasant evening, etc., but that they must depart the premises.

If he heads to bed then you are even more allowed to go to bed. Those are his quests, he is supposed to take care of them. If he doesn't - he is the one going against etiquette, not you.

Your boyfriend's right if you really want to take the high road and save the day.

And I like what AspieUtah says, too. Just a couple of minutes to wrap up the conversation and brief, I'd say somewhere in the range of one to four, and then something like, "It's late and I need to lock up. Thanks for dropping by."

I think either approach is fine.