why do I get ignored in group discusssions

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I think body language has a lot to do with it.

I'm not positive I understand what you mean by "ignored," but I'll comment on my understanding of it. I have had this discussion with many people, many times - because I always feel walked all over in group conversations. Having gathered my research, I have concluded that you have to look at group conversations as a battlefield, where everyone is just trying to stay alive and get in their hits. People are not just being rude or excluding you (or me) on purpose. Talking in a group is an art and I, for one, have no natural aptitude for it.

Timing is important as you need to find the right moment and insert your comment(s) into the flow of the conversation. I have ruined and broken up group conversations by a badly timed comment. If you wanted to say something, but the conversation has moved on, it is too late. Unless there is a natural break and you begin with, "going back to xxx topic, I want to say..."

Vocal Projection is also important - you can't join in if you can't be heard. You can't be afraid to talk over someone else. It is a battle of will at that point - who wants to be heard more? It is also a delicate balance - at some point, someone must concede without the other person going too far in asserting their voice.

Be involved in the conversation before inserting your comments. That is to say, listen, agree with talkers, laugh when appropriate, smile, nod, etc. Which I never seem to get right as my nature is to listen without all the social niceties - which makes people think I'm angry all the time. Smiling all the time is exhausting. So... join the conversation before speaking. Get into the flow of it.

It helps to be confident that what you have to say is worth hearing. And it usually is.

Most of the time, being in a group conversation is just too much frikkin work. I will sit back and listen. Sometimes I have an advocate who will actively involve me in the conversation by asking questions without putting me on the spot, which can bring on a big anxiety wave.

You (and I) are going to have to work harder than others at talking in groups. Our natural talents lie elsewhere.

Something else I thought about overnight :

Group conversations in real life are not like the examples we were presented in Sit-Coms. Those are actors with scripted lines, who finish their line and look at the next one to recite their line.

Real life, despite my best efforts, remains unscripted.

I've learned to be alright with being ignored in meetings/groups. Seriously, I get to stand back and observe. When they want to know what I think, they'll ask and listen, and I can be tacitly brilliant. They'll even say "you're a great listener" which is code for "thanks for letting us all talk over one another for the past hour".

Then there's the other part of it -- the fact that sometimes (or perhaps even "often") when I say something prolific, they're all so far behind me mentally that they don't understand because "they're just not there yet". If I sit back and let them stew for a bit, maybe in 10-20mins they'll get to where I was when I said it, and they'll finally realise the merit in listening when I speak. Or not. Do I care if they ever get there or recognise that I was there way ahead of them? Nope.

I know where you mean about people not keeping up or getting it. I don't have a particularly high IQ but I do always find that I'm on a higher level than most in the group when having a discussion for instance, there seems to be them that are on it and sort of get the little comments that fly over most peoples head. If there are certain people talking who are particularly sharp whited then I seem to get what they're saying more so than others and when I say certain things, it seems to go over some peoples head too. I find most of the time its easier to just keep my mouth shut though.

Something to bear in mind is that sometimes people will ignore you if they think that you are saying something stupid, partly because it helps you save face, which saves them the embarrassment of having to deal with your embarrassment when you realise you said something stupid. (Often something you couldn't possibly have known, but it still makes you look stupid that you "barged in" without knowing.) Not always the case, but has definitely happened to me in the past. You can learn to tell when it's coming. Best to try to get someone trustworthy alone and ask them individually.

It can feel really bad when that happens. And I have seen it happen to other people I think have Aspie traits, not just myself. It can seem (at first) like you are being ignored, shunned and hated for no reason. But the truth is that it can happen to anyone, Aspie, NT or otherwise. It's never the end of the world, and you can always learn from it. That's not to say you should seek it out, but I can guarantee that it will happen to everyone sooner or later.

Yes, it use to hurt. Maybe it still does to some extent. After many attempts to participate which resulted in full-fledged rebuttals or a quick glance that says, "Well... thank you for sharing that", I learned to keep my mouth shut rather than risk feeling ignored again. I just look at each speaker and nod as they talk. I am sure that others are more interested in being heard than knowing what I really think. I learned to try to avoid groups. If I can't, then i try to blend into the wallpaper rather than get runover or humiliated in front of the others. Most business meetings tend to be excuses to waste the morning and have a Danish. I hear lots of talking, nothing profound, and see few results. I become amused at how fluent people are in "Corporate-speak"...you know...those meaningless streams of popular "buzzwords" intended to make business people seem more impressive. I think to myself, "What exactly does that mean? Who really talks like that?" Yeah, I hate being ignored as much as I hate having my time wasted.

I absolutely agree that because of our weak in organization in conversation, most people don't understand what we are trying to say in first few seconds. So they decided to ignore. Also, most of the us had to tendency to deviate a few degree to the main theme during discussion, plus relating what we try to say on own personal experiences that we didn't explain the beginning and end of the story. I have the tendency to jump in the middle of my thoughts and express the mid part without briefing others the beginning and end.

On interruption to join conversation, it is best to jump in when people almost close to the end of their conversation and there is a slight pause. If u wait til end, other people will continue the topic, I will never get a chance to contribute to the discussion. I found this technique instructed by my trainer is very useful.

My point is if you feel like people are treating you that way, you actually have 3 options: (a) you can go on saying the same things and wondering why people look at you funny or ignore you, (b) you can shut up and say nothing in future, or (c) you can ask someone. For a long time, option (c) never occurred to me. Perhaps because I viewed everyone else in the world as uniformly hostile. However, if you can make it apparent that you are making a genuine effort to change, and show that you understand the type of effort needed, people will seldom remain hostile.

I think quite often the problem is that people make an assumption about what you're saying and why you're saying it. Then, to compound things, you may even internalise the assumption and start assuming the same thing about yourself. Because it's easier than questioning it. But if you actually talk to someone you can end up coming to a mutual realisation that the assumption was false.

A lot of the time, I think people with ASD say and/or do things more out of habit than because of any particular internal motivation. People (including the people with ASD themselves) sometimes never realise this, or lose sight of it.

Now, it is still extremely important to always be aware of your own part in a conversation. Never mind what other people think - are _you_ aware of your own motivations? What made you choose to make that particular contribution at that particular moment? And what does that say about you? Is it a relevant, original contribution, or is it just something that "feels like the right thing to say" for some mysterious reason? If the latter, you are probably burying or ignoring the real reason.

These "real reasons" can turn out to be, like I just said, nothing more than the internalised assumptions of others, and the actual "real reason" is just that you once had a real reason, but the tendency has become fossilised to the point where the real reason has long been left behind (something I believe to be characteristic of ASD). But you have to find and understand those "proxy" reasons first to be able to realise that, if you see what I mean.

Once you have learnt to sift through your motivations, you can then start consciously suppressing the things that have turned out to be nothing more than unwanted habits, and identifying the strands that both are interesting to you, and entertain or edify or draw interesting responses from others. Or you can just do what I do and selfishly blurt out the contents of your mind on internet message boards.

Anyway, seriously, sometimes it's none of the things that I've said, and really other people are at fault. But when I think about what a confused person I used to be, sometimes wilfully confused, and unhappy as a result, I think it bears saying this stuff.

This could really be because one of two reasons

a) As someone else mentioned above, factors beyond your control mean that other people in the conversation are pre-occupied and not really receptive to what you have to say

b) You are communicating in a way that makes you seem to have 'low social status'

This can be due to projecting 'subordinate' body language, or even just speaking too quickly (when you speak too quickly it actually communicates to others that you don't think they will stop and listen to you - so they won't!)


So what I would do is both practice projecting confident posture and gestures (this is actually pretty easy - stand with your feet shoulder width apart, don't cross your arms in front of your body...)
And also practice talking in a slow, measured, and authoritative way. Again, actually pretty easy - just slow down, speak at a decent volume, and keep talking even if in 'competition' with another person, as this will show that you believe what you have to say is worth listening to!


I hope this helps Jerry!
I run a blog where I talk about this sort of thing and offer strategies to be more socially confident and high status, check it out if you want succeedingsociallyaspie.com

I am 44 and still have never figured this out! I am fine if it's just one or two people, but in a group I might as well be part of the wall or something. I used to get angry with my husband because I thought he was ignoring me (or "leaving me out") on purpose, but now he helps me try to understand how conversations are supposed to go, and sometimes I can wing it, but still don't fully get it.