I've been patient with a person with Aspergers

Post Reply New Topic

So I learned about Asperger Syndrome in 2006 from where I used to work. I read up on it for several years, but I didn't know what it would be like to have a friend with AS. I soon found out in 2012. I meet someone (a friend, not romantic in any way) in 2011 and by 2012 I noticed that what I read was more true - that people with AS e "seem" rude and they don't try to be, but they don't know how to act with people.

So I've been very patient with this adult person. I've tried to be patient with this person. I have told this person over and over and over again "that is rude, don't do this" or "That is rude, don't do that". You know what I get?
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I have AS". I get that all the time and I'm beginning to feel like this person is making an excuse her his/her behavior. It is getting OLD.

This person I will leave sexless in order to protect this person. I will name this person "Jamey". I have known Jamey since 2011. We are not very close friends, but I consider this person a distant friend, almost an acquaintance. I used to go see Jamey once a month in the town s/he lives in since I live in a different town. Now I see Jamey once every 3 months, but we talk on the phone about twice a month.

When I go and see this person, h/she ALWAYS want to go a fast food restaurant and always want ME to drive him/her to this fast food place when h/she knows that I don't eat fast food and knows that I don't like it.

Wouldn't this person think it is RUDE to eat in front of others if that person is - not eating???? Isn't that obvious? "Oh, you are not eating, okay, so I won't eat in front of you". Or wouldn't it be obvious for this person to just say (or think) "Oh okay, you don't like fast food so I will go and ask my father/ mother/ brother . .etc etc to take me to this fast food place or I will be a big man/girl and I will take the bus whenever I want fast food since I can't drive". I feel like this person is using me to get his/her fastfood since I drive.

Why would someone with AS ask their friend to take them to a fast food place EACH AND EVERY TIME (that friend goes to see them) and ask them "Can you take me to Bla bla bla" when the person with AS KNOWS "hey, they don't like fast food".
I mean it is not like I haven't TOLD Jamey . .this person KNOWS I don't like fast food.

Another thing. This person talks over me all the time and it is getting really old. I can't call this person on the phone and have a normal conversation with Jamey since Jamey always dominates the conversation. AlWAYS talks about him/herself. Interrupts me all the time. Doesn't allow me to finish my sentence at all. If I have a question Jamey will answer it, but then when Jamey answers the question, normally the conversation will direct back to me. But Jamey will keep on talking and talking. And talking. And talking. Jamey doesn't know when to listen to me. jesus lord . .if James doesn't want me to talk, I will not call Jamey anymore. If I'm trying to explain something -I can't. Why? Jamey is talking.

Once I took Jamey to a restaurant (I agreed) and I got out of the car and Jamey got out and started to walk very fast without me toward the door. I said "Hey, what are you doing? Jamey. Jamey. I had to yell "JAMEY" to get his/her attention! Then I said "Wait for me, that is RUDE to just walk away when you are with a person and you both are walking to a door to someplace". Jamey said 'Oh sorry, I'm just very hungry". Hungry? Are you serious? So because Jamey is hungry that gives him/her a right to just walk fast and not wait for me to get to the door? If s/he is that hungry, why the heck doesn't h/she go alone and walk fast by him/herself?

It is no longer any fun with this person since s/he wants to talk and talk without me talking at all.
I have told Jamey "if you have a friend with - and if I call you, - don't answer your phone. I can leave you a message and you can get it later. It is rude to your friend to talk on the phone with me when you are visiting your friend." Jamey doesn't get this. I have told Jamey this time and time again.

I called Jamey today to ask about when we could go see a movie since I invited Jamey to come to a movie with me. I told Jamey that we could go together in Jan 2015. Jamey told me "I can go any day, but not on Wed, not on Friday". So I picked Tuesday. Jamey said "no not Tuesday, I'm with my girl/boyfriend that day". Oh. Okay. Why didn't you tell me that a weeks ago when we planned this? Seems like someone is trying to avoid me.

Then I was asking Jamey about movies h/she wanted to watch at the theatre. I named a few films Jamey may want to see (since I know what kinds of films Jamey enjoys). What the freak happend? Jamey was either asking his/her friend (I'll call him Bob) about each film OR Jamey's friend overheard ME and Jamey was talking to Bob instead of talking to me. I heard Bob talking to Jamey. It was as if they were talking to each other instead of Jamey talking to me. I had asked a simple question. really simple: What movie do you want to see?

So I just let this communication between Bob and Jamey play out for 20 or 30 secs. I said "Jamey, I'm trying to READ to you what each film is about - you don't have to ask your friend Bob what each film is about. I'm right here in front of my computer". Oh my God. Jamey consider to talk OVER ME. As I was reading - she freaking couldn't hear me talk. Each time I tried to tell Jamey what each film description, Jamey would begin to open mouth. It continued. It never stopped until we both hung up. What a freaking drag man. I mean a real drag!

Jamey doesn't talk to me and when Jamey does, it is a half conversation, meaning Jamey does ALL the talking and talks OVER ME. RUDE. RUDE. RUDE. RUDE. RUDE. How many times do I have to tell Jamey that this is rude?

Since when it is okay for someone with AS to talk OVER someone else just because they have AS? it happens in person too. I mean it is not like this person is blind. This person doesn't even wear glasses! They have perfect eyesight. This person looks right at me and it is as if this person can't see that I'm trying to talk. This has been going on since 2012. I'm about to give up since I don't know what to do. I keep on saying "that is rude" but Jamey keeps on doing whatever he/she wants to do. Jamey doesn't seem to care.

I'm at my last straw. If you were in my shoes and you felt like me and you kept on telling this person (and this person has AS and you know it) what would you do? Would you just keep on telling this person "hey that is rude". or would you just end it or would you just not call this person and let them call you?

AS is a manner of blindness. He/she may have perfect vision, but it doesn't always get processed in the brain. You can feel you're being blatantly obvious about pointing out their rudeness, but that doesn't mean it's really understood.

Sit down and tell them "I am not taking you to the fast food restaurant" and leave it at that. It may be a ritual to them that involves you, but that doesn't mean you should be unhappy or feel taken advantage of.

Yeh you just have to be blunt, and honest
"im not taking you there because I dont like being the only person with no food" for example

My son does a lot of things Jamey does. And, the things that you are describing and then asking: "Isn't that obvious?" are obviously not so to Jamey. As a rule, AS people don't pick up on social cues well- so, no, Jamey probably has no clue just by your facial expression or gestures that you would like to speak. You have to be really blunt and assertive. But, agreeing to take Jamey to a fast food place and then festering a resentment because you feel like you shouldn't be put in a position to say "no" because you feel Jamey should have known not to ask in the first place makes no sense. You either just have to get comfortable saying "Jamey, I don't want to go to the fast food place because I don't eat fast food." in order for you both to enjoy time together, or just decide that it's just too much for you to step out of your comfort zone to object and go happily, or don't spend time with Jamey. It's not really fair to Jamey for you to be building up so much resentment towards him/ her when Jamey really, probably has no clue.

Also, knowing Jamey has AS, I feel you could let some of the perceived rudeness slide. Like walking ahead in the parking lot. I just don't see how that's a big deal. You have a long ingrained set of social rules that you abide by, and I can see why when someone blatantly does something that doesn't follow those rules, it pushes a lot of "rude" buttons, but maybe (instead of letting it anger you), try and accept that those rules don't make the same sense in this relationship.
Also, it's possible Jamey feels a little anxious spending time with you because he/ she knows he/ she keeps accidentally offending you and then he/she makes even more social blunders because of this.

But, I'm wondering why you are still friends with Jamey? You really seem not to like this person. I did not read one redeeming characteristic about this person in your post. Perhaps it is just because you were feeling so frustrated when you wrote this. But, if this is how you always feel about Jamey, it's not fair to keep setting Jamey up in a position where a supposed friend keeps feeling so resentful/ hurt/ angry towards him/ her while he/ she just can't seem to live up to your expectations.

Your patience with Jamey, while resulting in your frustration, shows that you really do want to accept him/her and enjoy the time you have together.

If I were you, I would plan ahead for Jamey's sake (and yours). In anticipation of his/her calls, decide for yourself what you would like to do other than the routine. When it is likely she/he wants to go out to eat, having two or three options that you would prefer (and possibly offer some menu items that he/she would enjoy) might help persuade her/him to try something new. Resist the purely fast-food even if you must decline overall.

Begin screening Jamey's calls. This allows you time to prepare your conversations with him/her. Put limits on the duration of your conversations. After the set amount of time, say simply that you "have to go because you need to...."

Finally, while this is the most difficult dynamic to change, start asking Jamey questions about what she/he is saying during a dominating conversation. This will require him/her to adapt her/his statements to answer your questions, but will slowly expose him to the kind of give-and-take dialogue you need, too.

By setting new parameters in your friendship with Jamey, he/she will begin to learn that the old interactions have changed and might even enjoy them as much or more.

Good luck!

I get the feeling Jamey likes fast food restaurants for two reasons: 1. That's all he/she could afford; and 2. His taste in food are rigid, and he/she only happens to like fast food. Maybe Jamey feels ashamed that he/she cannot afford more expensive restaurants, and doesn't want to get embarrassed.

He/she is not a dunce; he/she is cognitively intact. It seems like Jamey is being inconsiderate on purpose, somehow--like he/she feel "entitled" because he/she has AS. I would call he/she out on that--but gently. If he/she says "I have AS," I would tell he/she that this is no excuse, that he/she isn't a dummy/that he/she could use his/her cognition to make an effort to improve. If Jamey expresses an interest in improving, I think role-playing games would be useful. Even people with disorders evolve; they don't stay in the same state all the time.

Asperger's is a condition where somebody could definitely evolve from that certain point. Their cognition is intact. They could learn.

Hmm seems like they are a bit rude without the aspergers being a factor...though not so sure walking ahead of someone if you have the same destination is rude. I mean with the reasturant thing he probably figured you where fine to get out of the vehicle and walk in yourself if he went ahead so that there could just be he didn't realize you wanted him to wait or whatever. But the talking over you is rather rude, not sure aspergers is an excuse for that since NTs talk over people quite a bit to, admittedly I am more used to people talking over me...either way it is rude to talk over people in general and its annoying when people do it.

As for the phone thing where he was talking to his friend or whatever while on the phone with you...well in my observation this kind of thing happens quite often. I mean I have hung out with groups of people and sometimes when someone calls someone in that group the other people might over-hear or the person might ask other people physically there about things while on the phone...so not so sure that is so much rudeness or more just how people do phone calls now days. Anyways I guess what I am getting at is not all these behaviors have anything to do with AS....seems like it is possible they see it as a probably excuse for any undesirable behavior even those that don't have to do with aspergers. I mean yeah sometimes due to issues with social interaction people with AS can come off as rude without meaning to....but consistantly talking over people is just rude in general. I mean I can see if someone on the spectrum hears something of interest and goes off on a tangent and its hard for others to get a word in for a bit...but consistantly just interrupting does not seem like an AS thing more just rude.

Id say do not go out of your way to contact this person, if you regard them as a friend/acqanitince...that you still want that relationship with then be open to talk to them or hang out if they get ahold of you....but also if they do things that really bother you or are being rude say so. I cannot say if you should continue to hang out with them or not that is up to you but perhaps going out of your way is not a good idea.

Given your apparent frustration with Jamey I would say leave it be and move on.

From reading your post I got that you know certain things are rude and why but I doubt Jamey knows why. Sure you can say, hey that's rude. But the AS person is very likely to think about this and internally come up with 'but why?'. AS people have a different set of internal priorities to you and the things that make sense to you may not make sense to them.

I'll give you an example. For me getting stuff done is really important, it's my major priority, I rank it far and away above how I feel about something. Plus doing stuff for others is how I show affection. But it took me ages to realise that this internal priority of mine often rubs others up the wrong way.

Someone complains they have a problem and it makes them feel xyz.
I jump right in and solve the problem. In my mind this is the best way to help that person.
The person didn't want me solving their problems they wanted to express their feelings about the situation.
Big social faux pas on my behalf. And all because I don't value feelings as high as other people do.

Someone just saying to me, hey that was so rude of you doesn't help me much because I have no frame of reference to understanding why my actions are rude. And I might even just think they are being unfair since my internal motivation was to be kind. Reason's help with everything. Maybe this is partially the issue with Jamey as well.

The other thing is, even when I can understand something, my less desirable behaviours are still a habit, and it takes time and practice to overcome them. They won't just disappear overnight because they've been a lifetime in the making. That's not an excuse, it's just realism about changing behaviours. Every time I enjoy myself in the company of others my voice gets unacceptably loud. That's habit and I have to be really conscious of it otherwise it creeps back in. I often curb any activity where I might enjoy myself because of this, because I don't want to be known as loud and obnoxious. It happens before I even realise it. I rarely accept social invitations as a way to avoid the inevitable.

At a certain point, we have to accept people the way they are, including the quirks, if we are going to have a relationship with them. If the quirks are too much to handle, then we aren't meant to have a close relationship with that person.

Jamey has AS, and I suspect s/he is not as high-functioning as you think. Perhaps the "excuse" that s/he has AS is a learned response to answer someone's complaint about a rude or socially-unacceptable behavior.

My uncle is autistic. When I was growing up, every time we visited my grandparent's house, he would ask my dad to take him for a ride to go get a Coke. Every time. My dad complied, even though he himself wasn't interested in buying a Coke. Why did my uncle always ask my dad? Well, I do not know for certain, but I have a couple of theories. 1) he had already asked my grandfather, other uncle, and aunt too many times and they said "not now", 2) he likes my dad, and 3) my dad was willing. Now, this was fine until we moved 2 hours away from my grandparents. After that, it became a hassle to my dad to drive 2 hours when we wanted to visit with the whole family to turn around and go out again to get a Coke with my uncle. He explained to my uncle that he was tired and did not want to go out, but that did not stop my uncle from asking. My dad had to be firm and say "no" gently several times before the habit was broken. After that, my uncle stopped asking.

As far as walking ahead of people into a restaurant, yes maybe that is rude. But, you're not going to change it. The problem is that people with AS are in their own world and one-tracked in mind. If I am hungry, I'm hungry. I'm not thinking about you, sorry. I walk ahead of my family all the time. That is a quirk. They put up with it. Someone on the outside might say, "oh, what a rude person", but my family would say, "Oh, that's just mom", or "oh, that's just my wife."

I am a relatively quiet person, so I don't normally talk over people. But, I do forget what I am saying mid-sentence or have great difficulty thinking of a word. Sometimes it is to the point where I have to abandon what I was going to say mid-conversation and the person is left hanging with half a story. That can be really annoying.

So, the question is do you like the person enough to put up with how s/he is? Are you willing to be firm and clear about your own boundaries? Are you able to put up with quirks even if they rub you the wrong way?

If you turn into a "teacher", you aren't a friend anymore. Jamey may pick up some things slowly through hanging out with you, but I wouldn't make it your purpose to make sure s/he does.

It sounds like theres multiple problems here. From reading this, I think that you need to tell 'Jamey' that you are not going to take s/he to a fast food restaurant because I don't like the food there etc etc. But you have to say it like it is and make it really clear, because a lot of ppl with AS cannot pick up on nonverbal social cues(dissatisfied face expressions etc). You have already told him that its rude, but you can't keep giving in otherwise s/he will think they can keep using you for rides etc.

As for the walking ahead to the restaurant, he may have not been thinking about other ppl around him and what they might be feeling, they only might be thinking "I'm hungry, I want to eat. Too bad for ______, I;m hungry and I want food. Too bad for everyone else". That is a common problem for ppl on the spectrum. They have a hard time making decisions about their actions around other ppl. And anyone could interpret that as rude behaviour, but they didn't realize at the time.

Talking over ppl is rude no matter if the person has AS or not. He also not realize that he can't keep making excuses for his behaviour "just because he has AS". You have to tell him outright that you want to speak, because as I said before, ppl with AS cannot pick up on nonverbal cues. I would let him call you if I were you.

It seems like you have told s/he enough times, you can't really change a person's behaviour, you can only tell them. It is up to him to go get help if he absolutely can't change his behaviours or bad habits.

I had a friend on the spectrum who did things that other ppl would see as weird, creepy, and obsessive. They insisted on spending a lot of time with me and they would stand really close to me, follow me around when I was trying to talk to someone else etc. I eventually had to have a 'talk' with them about how much time I wanted to spend with them, and about not interrupting me when I was with other ppl etc etc. They understood and changed their behaviour but they were higher functioning so maybe that was why they understood a bit better.

I genuinely believe Jamey is ignorant of their behavior. This is classic asperger's social unawareness. The best thing s/he can do is learn from experience. When s/he is called out for being rude he needs to acknowledge it and learn from it, somehow. The only way they can get better in these situations is to learn and grow as a person from it. So, when you call them out on being rude, how do they respond? "Sorry, I'm autistic" can only go so far - a person cannot be constantly validated for this, because if they are, they will think it is excused, and it shouldn't be. If they cannot grow as a person from these situations they'll in for a hard adult life.

I can only ask you give them a chance to grow as a person, I know from experience if they're shunned and rejected for their inability to be social, they'll just give up and be hermits. I don't mean to blackmail you with my own emotional issues, so I apologize if that's how I'm sounding "Be friends or you'll break them" - it's not my intent. But they do absolutely need to learn from these situations.

I didn't choose any of the options because I agree with none of them.

I personally agree with 866 and don't think there is anything wrong with Jamey's behavior. I too think that Jamey is ignorant of their behavior and that this is classic asperger's social unawareness.

I find it strange that people expect others to act in a certain way to please themselves. Just as you do not like to go to a fast food restaurant every visit, Jamey does. So what makes you or he/she the wrong one? Nothing really.

People with autism enjoy routine, Jamey may seriously look forward to going to your usual place together (the fast food place). It may be the highlight of their month. They may love spending time with you there but you are to selfish to even notice that.

Also I have autism, my son has autism, and my daughter has autism and we all have trouble with conversational cues. We all talk over (interrupt) all the time, it is a real challenge not to do it, we all have our challenges with being social and speaking is one of the hardest of them all. My son still can not speak more than 20 words and he will be 6 soon.

Having autism is challenging, being friends with somebody who has autism is also very challenging, unless you can accept the differences and go into the friendship with the understanding that this person behaves very different than how you expect they should then you should move on. It is not fair to them that you are not mentally prepared to take on a friend who doesn't fit your social standards. Personally I find your behavior to be RUDE, posting here behind your "friends" back is not very kind.