Being Left Out

Post Reply New Topic

So I have a friend, the only friend I have who is in person. Our relationship is somewhat complicated to explain but for summary purposes I will call her my best friend. And despite her flaws, she has been a really good friend to me. But there are a few kinks that make our friendship painful.

Since we've met, she's repeatedly informed me the honest truth about how others feel about me and why she doesn't do or invite me to things that involve them.

She'll say, "People don't like you because you're weird", that they don't want me around, that I'm not the type of person you invite to parties and that I wouldn't want to go anyway. She'll hang with the same group of people who actively dislike me for being, 'weird', even when I did nothing to them.

I'm never invited to any thing she does, and when she considers it or asks people always say, no don't bring me, or that they don't want me here. More recently, I don't find out until last minute that she's even having a party.

This hurts. I've gone to support from someone I once knew a long ago and all she gives me is pity, "You poor person, that really sucks, try finding companionship in a book." That's why I came here. I came here once long ago when I struggled with another person who was not a friend, so I remembered the support I got. Now I have someone who is a friend, but is...different. She often has no concept of why the things she says hurt me or would hurt anyone; and often can't understand why I get so upset like now. I try to explain it, but all I mostly do is frustrate her and often myself by trying to explain why it hurts.

My heart feels like it's breaking. The only friend I have makes me feel like crap when it comes to people, and is the only one who actually will tolerate to be around me.

She tells me when I first got upset about it, "Not everyone has to like you." ok, I say. I try to take that to heart, not everyone has to like me. But it's not just 1 or 2 people, it's EVERYONE who doesn't like me, and it's all of the people in her life, and I end up left out of groups. When she mentions me, they go silent, and then talk over me like my name wasn't said.

She said you would have said 'no' anyway. I said god just invite me anyway even if I say no, and yes I probably will say no, because it overwhelms me but don't make me feel bad by leaving me out. Defend me. But there's no point in defending me, because she agrees with their reasons and points for why I shouldn't come.

She told me today she had asked her husband if I should be invited to a party, and he said no, his coworkers would be there. I am meant to interpret that as, "No we don't want you to feel uncomfortable" but what it sounds like to me is that I would make everyone feel uncomfortable around me, and/or ruin their image.

The conclusion is always the same, 'In spite of people not wanting me around and hating me, she still cares about me and that's all that should matter, even if I'm not invited to her parties where other's don't want me'.

But can I not say that it hurts, and I'm tired of it hurting and I'm tired of feeling like absolute crap when I am around her for things outside of my control. Maybe it would have been nice to just have been asked, I would have said no. People overwhelm me, I do have severe social anxiety, and I have an awkward time navigating the social world. I don't understand half the things people do and go selectively mute when I'm around more than one person. I can't blame anyone for thinking I'm weird; but my god, does that mean feeling like an outcast and left out, and knowing that people talk about me like this, isn't supposed to hurt?

1. Have any of her friends ever told you that they don't want you around or is it all hearsay?
2. Does she have a history of being insecure and is jealous of you? She could be trying to isolate you from her friends and spouse for those reasons.
3. It also sounds like she really doesn't like you herself and is trying to give you a hint that she doesn't want you around.

Trust me that's not a friend. That sounds more like a non malignant bully who likes acting superior to other people who are appear gullible. So why do you put up with her? She's diabolical.

Believe me I know from experience.

Suggestions:
I would invite her over to your home or out somewhere so you could talk in private or maybe ask to speak to her on the phone. You might ask her if she says yes
"Are you interested in being my friend because I just feel that a real friend would go to great heights to include me in their things. If you are then what I am I doing to put you on offense?" Just let her talk and if she wants to babble then it sounds like you might need to cut that relationship loose. It sounds unhealthy.

You might also tell her that you don't appreciate her making assumptions and that you would like to be more involved in her life.

1. I've witnessed it and their behaviour and have the text messages. In most of them she's saying something nice or mentioning me in passing and they're responses are very much anti-me. She won't argue she'll just say ok to respect them, and has I've seen at times tried to say that I'm nice when you get to know me but they just glaze over that. People have even said I'm weird when she hasn't even mentioned me, and she'll ignore it because it's out of place to their topic.

2. She's pretty bluntly honest and does not believe in sugarcoating (nor do I want her to). She feels it's kinder to be honest and upfront so that I don't go in thinking people want to be around me and getting myself worked up for people who don't care. As I've stressed myself out, asking why I can't come or worried over people, only to learn the truth.

3. She really likes me herself. She just likes her friends and maintaining relationships that make her happy and doesn't want to throw them all away just because a single friend can't fit in. We travel together, do things together, and she has been there with me through a lot.

So she IS a friend.

It hurts, but she is a friend.

This I can say without reasonable doubt, as me and my therapist have discussed the behaviour at length. At first my therapist didn't like her, but over time she began to actually support our relationship as we have worked through a lot of things. She for example is not emotional, and has mild bipolar, her whole family knows this, I am very emotional and intense, and have bipolar in lieu of aspergers. She gets overwhelmed when I get emotional or express feelings because they don't make sense to her logic. And we've worked really hard to navigate and compromise around that.

This doesn't mean that some of her behaviour doesn't make me feel bad; just like I have some behaviour that makes it hard for her to deal with socially. The type of people who are drawn to her by majority just happen to not like me or want me around, and I happen to struggle around them, and she's in the middle. Her options are, abandon her family and friends and come hang with me or have fun at a party and not invite me because everyone agrees I don't belong there .

EDIT: I put up with her because she's my best friend and has put up with me. We've been through a LOT together and have come a very long way. She's interested in being in my life, I know she's a friend, it's not so much a question whether she is my friend or not, it's more the pain of feeling rejected everywhere I go. And it's -everywhere- I go.

At one point she tried to bring us to a new group where no one knew who I was, and I was trying to fit in and people told me there I was weird with no social tact and needed to learn how to develop some tact or leave...it was painful. She had gotten comfortable and liked the group and didn't want to get run out of a group just because I did. So it's not fair to her either, but it hurts for me too

Are these people in their mid-20's as well. They sound somewhat immature for that age. Most people that age wouldn't treat someone so harshly just for being different.

Two things

1. It sounds like you might just want to keep your relationship separate from her things and ask that she stop boasting about having a party because you are getting hurt. Maybe you might try finding another club or group of special interest and just go for a while and enjoy that interest. Believe me you will meet others who will adore you no matter what.

2. Understand that it is okay to stand up to these friends of hers who are making you feel bad about yourself because they can't appear to respect you as a person. The next time they talk about you like that in front of your friend you might say something like

"I sorry that you can't respect me as a person and I didn't know I was supposed to live up to your standards."

Or "I'm sorry that I didn't realize that I was made to serve this group of small minds." Your friend may get upset with you but they are the ones acting immature here and not you. What you seem to be facing is a form of oppression.

Or
"Well I am sorry you feel that way and I do apologize if you disapprove of her befriending me over you. I don't think she's a people pleaser (That last one not only allows you to defend yourself but also opens the door to protect your friend from being criticized).

If this woman likes you it proves that its possible for someone to like you.

So find more of them

-My problem isn't that people don't like me. Plenty of people like me I just can't connect and relate the way I did with her. So what I end up with is 1 million acquintances and 0 people I could trust.

-Yes they are in their 20s

-I'm not really sure I need advice on how to respond, since I cannot stand up to her friends. Her husband? Her family? I'm not allowed -over-, and if I came she'd slam the door in my face because she already told me and made clear that I was not welcome and if I came people would treat me as such.

I'm hurting. Looking for some support for the feeling of being left out, of constantly group after group ostracized, of struggling to connect. Of the pain. I don't want anyone to 'judge' her, I don't even want to be told to make new friends. I'm already -trying- and it's painful, and stressful, and overwhelming.

I've got nowhere to go right now, I feel so alone.

I guess I thought I'd come here; but I don't know if it will help.

Added reply. I guess she wasn't a friend. I told her how I felt, she told me I wasn't worth anything, that her husband had worked hard for his position and that she would not let me come in and ruin their image. That I was a poor deluded creature and that she was going to go because she felt sorry for me and had lost all respect.

She repeatedly told me I didn't deserve a place at 'her' table. That I had to 'earn' my place. And that she was testing me to weed me out. I decided to let her go as a friend. Not because I don't care about her or because she doesn't mean anything to me, but because I mean something to me. Maybe one day I will find a real friend who will see and deserves me in their life; I guess it's not her.

You are not better or worse than them, just incompatible.

I feel left out all the time. I am a nice guy and everything but no one really takes the time to get to know me and be my friend. I usually try to make up for it but finding a social group or volunteering. It isn't quite the same as friendship but it does give some companionship.

I agree with the what the last poster said. Do you have any special interests? If so what do you like to do? While I know that you have a hard time with connecting you might go to group where you can broaden those interests.

I also like the volunteer idea. I love volunteering at the zoo and at sci fi conventions because no one ever exploits me there.

I'm currently grieving the loss of someone I thought was a friend. It feels like she literally just pressed a DELETE button. She's been in my life for a year. I'm 25 years old. She was my first kiss, the first person I felt like I could be naked with. She was the first person I was able to love. I'm pregnant and she had made plans to come to the birth. But everytime we tried to plan it she blew it off. I tried to find other ways for her to be there, when she tells me, you know I don't really care about any of it. I'm going to give birth any day now and the one person who had supported me or made me believe she did is gone.

When I was homeless due to mental illness, she told me that I meant something to her. That she didn't want to let go of my hand, that I was special to her. It was painful, she couldn't visit me because of her husband and son, she couldn't see me. On my birthday I told her it mattered to me that she be there; and she completely ignored me on that day and then got mad that I was even upset that she wouldn't acknowledge it. She never not once even after I told her how I felt acknowledged it, she just got mad because I shouldn't have been mad in her mind.

She was sewing a blanket for my child, and we talked about all the adventures and trips we would do together. She would say she missed me, and wanted to see me. But then she stopped. She gets upset with me if I express hurt for not being invited. And when she put me down like that, when she devalued me, she broke my heart. She told me she lost all respect for me when I told her that one day she'd see me for who I was, that I didn't need to play any game or fight on a battlefield that she'd see me as I am. That I could even 'think' that she could respect me or see me as valuable in her life made her choke.

The next day she wrote to me. But all she talked about was how beautiful and awesome someone she is in love with, the same person she just told me the other day I was ugly in comparison to. I felt like throwing up. I felt so bad. I told her she has these people so high on a pedestal that she makes me feel s**t in comparison. That I feel bad when I'm around her. She stopped talking to me after that, she literally clicked the delete button. No calls, no text messages, no emails--if I went to her house and banged on the door she'd stare at me with dead unfeeling eyes. I am trash, she said it once a long time ago I'm trash.

But there were moments, there was a really long moment a good time when I felt like...I felt good. I felt like she was there. I felt like we had come far. I talked to my therapist who said this was emotional/psychological abuse, and that I stood up for myself and I needed to.

And people keep treating her like she's something to replace the next day. But she was the first best friend who had seen me and had made me believe that she cared that she would always be there. I miss her, but I can't let her back in if I'm really all those things to her.

I don't have any special interests that people around here care about. I like programming and writing and I've placed ads up. I have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety making it hard to get outside and join groups. I've volunteered before and I ended up feeling abandoned. I was there for 3-4 years and when I left it was just 'that's too bad', at the end of the day people I thought were friends weren't friends and I felt completely alone. Then she came into my life.

I have thought about working with puppies but don't know where to find them and can't consistently commit to anything daily, since all volunteer places ask me to put them in a schedule and come consistently.

Even if she decides to come back one day she's abandoned me, and I'm wrestling with how to forgive her and heal. My self-esteem is just so far down right now. I feel like s**t and am trying to rebuild and trying to envision her not in my life; because that's what it feels like. I just feel like throwing up it all hurts so bad.

Maybe what you should work on first is your social anxiety and agoraphobia so you are more comfortable around other people.

I don't know what is going on here.
Her behavior is kind of bizarre, but I don't understand some of your descriptions either.
There is one thing about not inviting someone that a bunch of people dislike to a party, that is not entirely unjustified, because parties can be awkward and unappealing when someone is coming who most of the people don't like.

I would have to agree with your counselor about the abuse part with this person. She is very abusive. If she did those kinds of things to you then I can imagine she does it to others. She doesn't sound like a nice lady and I am sorry you had to encounter this bully.