Becoming too attached to people

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Usually I'm a very independent person and I don't mind being on my own at all, but every time I've actually made a friend I became the complete opposite and was too attached, that never ends well. With my ex I ended up becoming like the overly attached girlfriend meme lol.

I'm thinking I don't want friends at all because I don't want to ruin things and I don't want to get obsessed and seem like a creepy weirdo. Is it just me that is like that?

In fact that's probably a good idea. Thanks

I'm exactly the same way. I don't think anyone would be able to handle that, so I'm planning a very lonely future here.

I definitely have become too attached to people.. However, I would say that it's not a special interest for me because most of the time because after I've noticed someone and then gotten to know them really well, I realize that I don't connect with them or whatever. There are only a few that I have connected with and felt something similar to a special interest. I think it might be because I so rarely find someone to connect with, that once I find someone, I never want to let them go- so I attach myself at the hip to them. For the most part though I'm a solitary creature.

It also happens to some NT, specially the ones who have some difficulty making friends.

No, it's not just you. I struggle with the same issue. To the point where I always get hurt. I'm too 'intense' for people. And the one person I am not too intense for makes a point to remind me I have no place in her world. The attachment I feel to her is incredibly painful to the point where I have breakdowns. It's gotten to that point where if we could not be in each other's lives I genuinely would never open myself up to make another friend; I can't even do it now. I am so desperate to connect with someone, but so afraid of going through yet another bout of pain, as they get incrementally worse.

It's just that being alone is a very painful place that didn't used to bother me, or it did but I didn't understand why. And now it's incredibly lonely, alienating and painful. Always standing on the outside looking in, never able to enter. And when I do manage to enter scaring everything I love away. So. Maybe I was just designed and made to be alone and not have any friends? Or maybe it just takes a very special person to knock down the walls we build up from all the bad experiences, I don't know.

I do know that it's not just you. It's me too.

I ran into this my whole life ( I am in my 40's now ) and it caused issues. My issue is that I wasnt diagnosed until last year but it sure explains a lot of things now! I was super shy through school but once I got up the nerve to say ask a girl out then I became hyperfocused on her. I would never take "no" for a final answer. It did work out two times and I had two long relationships from them but the others, well let's just say they got more than a little peeved about me...

Same thing sort of happens these days when I meet new friends. My wife keeps things in check more now, especially now that she knows why I act that way.

I get like this too. If I find someone I can connect with who's understanding I can get too attached to them. I don't really have much interest in getting to know most people on a personal level though because I don't feel like I can relate to most of them and having friends I can relate to is important for me. I also don't feel like I can trust most of them enough to get to know them either.

What does 'too attached' really mean?

I feel like, in the past, when there actually were a few people I talked to often (online), I'd get 'attached' to them in the sense that if they weren't on when they said they would be, I'd really worry about them... and sometimes interrogate them about where they were when they got back. :I Which, thinking about it now, probably didn't help..!

Then again, I don't think I'd dislike it if someone were to get attached to me like that. At least it'd show I was wanted..!

I think it's because we have such trouble finding people who will befriend us due to understanding. I have gotten too attached to three females and things go smoothly until they meet a significant other. All of a sudden there is turbulence in the relationship and I find myself mad at them because I feel like this new person whose a part of their lives has taken over and gotten in the way of our friendship.

The reason why I get attached is because I want a female friend who I can have as a life long situation.

I think, like others said, just be honest up front. If they are a good caring people they will understand and accept you for who you are. If they can't accept it then it's better off not starting a relationship.
The problems I would forsee is if you are interrupting them during work, not understanding of other obligations or relationships or making them feel obligated to be your friend rather than grateful to have you in their life. I would also fear that if they do open up to you and start relying on your mutual friendship that you might grow bored with them.
Maybe tell them that you need some clear boundaries. Right off you might not need any because you will be so euphoric about the new relationship but if it lasts you will for sure have your own boundaries. Might not hurt to let them know what these are in the beginning.
Just my opinion.

I think those obsessive qualities that others suggested may play a role, but I'd also like to think that much of this may be more a function of circumstance rather than diagnosis.

As an NT person who was often insecure and lonely as a child and teen, I remember feeling similarly about some of my friendships and romantic relationships. I remember feeling very concerned that I called my friend(s) and they hadn't called me back, or I would worry that I called them more frequently than they called me. I wanted us to be on an even level - caring the same amount about one another, but I was worried that I was the desperate one and they didn't really care.

I think these things changed over time with my own social and personal development. As I developed social skills, people accepted me and I started to worry less about any specific social moment, or even specific friendships. If one friend was too busy one week, I could see my other friends. If my girlfriend or later my wife was busy doing something I could spend time with friends or family instead. Basically, the more full my social life became, the less crucial any specific element would be. In this way I am able to approach new friendships with the stakes being relatively low.

If you are in a position where your social world is still relatively small, then this may be difficult. I can think of two possible approaches, although there may be more:
1 - fake casualness. Even if it you want to call your new friend every day and spend all your time with them, you may want to limit yourself, maybe make some rules for yourself like take the number of times that you typically hang out with a person in a month: that's the number of times you are allowed to call them per week. That rule is arbitrary, but I'm just trying to suggest limiting it to something that won't come across as overbearing, and won't seem like you're jumping into things far too quickly for the other person's comfort. These numbers change over time in a relationship as people grow closer or farther apart - so try to let it be flexible, but base the limits on the status of the relationship and not solely on your own emotional needs.

2 - be brutally honest. Tell your new friend early on that you have trouble with friendships because you don't really know how to gauge when you're trying too hard. Ask your new friends if they can do you the favor of setting clear boundaries for you and letting you know if you're trying too hard. Then commit to backing off when they give you the sign.

I think in the long-term, the solution to this problem is for you to diversify your relationships. Work towards having many good relationships. When you've hit your limit on numbers of times to call your friend, take that energy that is driving you to work on this friendship and turn it towards developing new friendships. This is the same as the strategy we typically use for helping people who are too focused on special interests. We try to help them find other interests so that they can become more well-rounded and will be able to tolerate limited access to their special interests.

So my advice is first to forgive yourself - you are having a perfectly normal reaction to the situation that you are in. Second set some limits either independently or with the help of your friends. Third work towards building and maintaining multiple friendships so that you won't feel totally lost when your best friend or romantic partner isn't available.

I hope that helps.

I get that the preference is to focus on one or two people. I do think it's advantageous to try to have a wider social support group, even if it takes some effort and doesn't feel ideal. If you have a bad argument with a close friend, or if someone you love moves away or dies, it's really important to have other people to talk to and lean on afterwards. The only real constant in the world is change. Having multiple sources of support helps to protect you to some degree from sudden changes...and again, it helps to lower the stakes a bit in any single relationship, so that you don't have to feel that your entire emotional well-being depends on one person.

same here too....i got attached to those first people i met online years ago.almost six has passed but i still yearn for them. we didnt met or revealed anything personal though.i dont even know the real names for some of them. i dont know why i keep wishing to meet and see them for real...at least that kind of attachment never came again to me