Being Left Out

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She asked if I wanted to hang out Friday, so I drove and hung out with her. Every now and then she would give an example in her life for about -why- I didn't matter whether it was on purpose or not. We live 3 hours from each other. She was driving into town with her Mother and she said there was nothing in that town that she wanted to see. I said, well there is, we rarely get to see each other; you could visit me. She said to be honest you didn't even cross my mind.

When I was homeless in January it felt like I was so apart of her life that her husband had called me "The Other Husband". I didn't know what that mean. I didn't feel like the other husband, I felt like I just wanted her to be there for me and that she was being there the way I was there for her. I interpreted it as, I mattered to her. When she came to visit me a month or two ago I learned that she treats me like her basic friends. She kept using examples then to say I didn't matter.

Anyone here can say how good it is that she's out of my life, but she's still in my life, and I'm grieving. I feel like I used to believe that there was finally someone I mattered to, who cared about me, who was holding on as tightly as I was. That the world feels so dark and not for my lack of trying. Let's not even talk about my agoraphobia because I went outside, I dealt with people. For reasons I STILL don't get people just didn't care about me or thought I was weird. It got to the point where I was afraid to 'speak' because I didn't know what I was saying that was so wrong, or where I was going. If people are constantly rejecting you every time you open your mouth why would you speak? How can anyone not develop anxiety and fear or even eventually withdraw when this is a constant in their life. This is learned helplessness, but it's what I face on the daily.

I know some people didn't like me in her group simply because she had told them private things about my struggle. She told me that I needed to explain to them my mental illness for why I was inadequate and unable to be there. To them I tried to blend in, but she would go to them and tell them I was crazy and so on. So people got an image of me as she shared my battles. She did this with her husband too, then telling me, you're paranoid about who can read my messages, but truth is no one gives a s**t about you. It was a huge betrayal at the time. But yes, she did seem to soften over time.

I feel like, I don't belong. I am an exile, always have been since I was a kid. No amount of socializing, or going outside, or trying to 'learn social tact' will change that I just don't fit in out there.

This woman ( a different one who I first joined the site over) who preyed upon me once told me, "You ever stop to think that it's you, that you're the reason no one likes you." she was not mentally stable and my therapist had actually warned me about her behaviour saying it wasn't normal.

My self-esteem right now is incredibly low.

Anyway. I WOULD have said NO to going to the party. It's just the fact that people dislike me so much and feel like I would ruin everyone's 'social image' so greatly that they actually said to me, "You are not worthy for an invite", that someone who meant so much to me told me that, and would go on to tell me that I didn't matter.

Our relationship doesn't need to make sense or add up, I've been confused about it -myself-. But these days I'm not confused anymore. She's made it very clear that I don't matter to her. She's made it very clear to me that she needs a friend to support her; but that she is not capable of being a friend who can support me. I should probably add that she is actually incapable of understanding emotions or processing them and cannot feel empathy or sympathy. It is a constant problem for her in her life that people who know her actually learn to accept. It is not metaphorical, she has feelings, she tries, but it's all so foreign to her. It's bad enough that if she feels an emotion she will feel disgust and self-harm herself (no judgment please). It's not a mental illness, not sociopath, psychopath, not even autism, it's a personality trait she has. So why I'm still in her life when I myself feel so deeply and relate on such a deep level is beyond me.

Any way I guess this is the trend in my life. I am always there for other people, but I've yet to met anyone who can or even knows how to be there for me, and it's the loneliest feeling in the world. And there's not much anything anyone can say to change my perception on that I suppose.

There are no suggestions, no talking sense into me, not even telling me to cut someone out because I won't do that. I just don't -feel- that is the right path for me. I feel like to accept her unconditionally and to figure out what I need in my life is a better solution than abandoning her for not meeting 'my' needs. But recognizing my own needs and how I can meet them for myself or what I need to do 'for me' unrelated to what's going on with other people.

At the end of the day it's not her, it's me. It's how I feel about myself. I can't control other people, but I can control me. I can't control that people think little of me. And it's healing from that, and trying to make peace with the fact that I am an outsider on the 'wrong' planet and learning to accept that fact, learning to be happy with the cards I was dealt because a horse can't be a dog no matter how hard it tries, and it's hard, and I am grieving .

My best advice is to not rush into rebuilding relationships, as urgent as it might seem right now. Take some time to refocus your thoughts away from the anxiety or else you may only dig yourself deeper by spinning your wheels. Sometimes we have to learn to be comfortable with being alone before we can forge friendships -- that way if things are incompatible, the consequences are not as dire and you can avoid co-dependency. I'm in the same boat. I recently didn't take my own advice and compounded an already crappy situation.

As far as it being your issue and not the issues of others, you should also entertain the possibility that it could be both, going back to the incompatibility thing.

Based upon what I had read about her there are a few ingredients to think about

1. She had mild bipolar as well and that can come with blurting out inappropriate things. So that could be why she made those comments about you
2. You've only known her a year.
3. She lives 3 hours away
4. She sounds very flakey and one-sided
5. Her friends don't sound very bright. If they have any common sense they would take her with a grain of salt.
6. You feel akward around them.

Why would you want someone like that? She has problems of her own.

TaoDreams you are only 25 years old? There will be other people in your life who don't treat like you like. I assure you.

Looking in the archived section message boards that I had posted and based on what Tao Dreams is talking about, this so called "Friend" wasn't a friend to her at all. She basically sounds like someone who is possibly insecure and maybe even self-absorbed.

You don't need friends like that. She sounds like a #itch.

This thread is over two-years-old, and it doesn't appear that TaoDreams has been here, since a few days after she lasted posted, on this thread----so, responding to her, now, might be fruitless.

No but it might be good for others who come here now to see an example of what a bad friendship is because there are people on the spectrum who often struggle to tell the difference between someone who is a friend and who isn't.

You should try to interract with people when she is not around.

She may be trying to keep you isolated, it's sounds like she is actively insulting you.
Do you know for certain that others have said they don't want you to come?
She could be making up lies, there is a chance that she is a sociopath and you're her victim.
Does she take advantage of you in some way? It could be subtle, such as getting information from you, that she uses for her own benefit or to harm you behind your back.