At what point do you consider somebody a friend?

Post Reply New Topic

...or an acquaintance, best friend, etc? I am neurotypical, and the guy I like has Aspergers (diagnosed). I am not expecting a romantic relationship at this point, but it would just be nice to know where I stand with him.

Yes, I know that everybody is different, and yes, I know I should probably just ask him. However, I'm interested in your responses too! What is your definition of a friend? Do you have a way of classifying/quantifying it in some way? And how do you show that you enjoy being around another person?

Please and thank you! I don't know what it is about him that drew me in from the start. I think he's adorable, and I just want to understand everything about him. Even if he never views me as a girlfriend, it would be so nice to just be considered a friend.

P.s. Over a period of one year he's gone from zero eye contact/acknowledgement to comfortable eye contact/easy conversation...so that's good, right?

I know when a friend comes along when they don't treat me like s**t and call me names. And they like being around me.

I would say eye contact and easy conversation means your a good friend already. Although who knows maybe he never had a problem with eye contact or conversation. He's the only one who knows his experience, his definition. But for me to do that to you you'd be my best friend.

As for how I show I enjoy being around another person I would simply seek them out. The eye contact would also be a tell that I enjoy you.

As for how to establish a romantic relationship with him just ask if he would like to have a romantic relationship with you although if he does be specific about what that means everyone has a different definition and non specific people are extremely annoying.

I consider someone a friend if we help each other to achieve goals.

It sounds as though you are getting on pretty well already. I think perhaps the first thing to remember is that Aspiens tend to take quite a long time to think things through, so don't expect your relationship to move quickly (although I think you've noticed that already). You need to be patient, as understanding him is going to take quite a while and he probably won't offer much information, at least initially ... but who knows, every human being is unique, whether they're on the spectrum or an NT. Don't fall into the trap of regarding AS as a kind of mystique, remember that first and foremost he's a person who happens to have Asperger's, he's not defined by his diagnosis.

Good luck.

I agree about the partial impertinence of this diagnosis, however one concern of mine is that my aversion to categorizing relationships might confuse... everyone... When I appreciate someone's company I try to return the gesture through seeking means to help my friends and have some fun with them, whichever is more convenient for everyone. What I do know is for me at least, eye contact means I trust the person I'm looking at unequivocally. There are friends I've had for over half my life whom I still find difficult to make eye contact with.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

When I can turn up unannounced and be made to feel at home.

one of the indicators i use to determine if someone is a friend is whether or not i can insult them as a joke (greeting them with "hey fatso" for example) and him/her not getting offended (depending on the actual statement)

I think many aspies tend to have less than an average amount of friends.

This isn't a bad thing though or abnormal, it's perfectly healthy.

Not everyone is designed to have big networks of friends of 15 or more people - most aspies prefer having a small, close circle of good friends with true, meaningful friendships...

Me, personally, I have a very small circle of close friends, but only because I have a very strict defitinition of what friendship is to me.

Friendship means a lot to me and is something serious and meaningful, I don't just throw around the word friend often. If you're a friend, that's good. If you're a true friend, you're very lucky because I only consider very few people to be true friends.

Like I said I can't speak for all aspies and we are all different, but I think many of us are like this and we do value friendships on a very deep level.

Me personally there's plenty of people I talk to, but only 5 I consider true friends... I also have 5 'acquaintances' who I would also consider friends, but they do not fit all the criteria so I can not consider them friends.

So yeah, all aspies are different, but aspie or not, the same as me or different, I'd be happy to be considered a friend by someone anyway. It's a good thing because obviously you mean that much to them to be considered a friend.

And even if you have feelings for him that doesn't mean he will reject you just because you are friends. A lot of aspies don't care about 'traditional' social rules either and might be fine with being friends with someone first before dating.

If you are interested in him romantically and have been good friends with him for a good amount of time and he is single, I say go for it. It's best not to be subtle or implicit though - we often have trouble picking up flirting or body language or other signs that show you are interested in them. It's best to be honest with him - that he is a very valauble friend to you and you find yourself attracted to him and wonder if he would be interested in trying dating...

With the whole 'knowing where you stand' thing, I'd say don't even ask because it would be clear by now that you are both already friends. Sometimes it's good to call them a friend but strategically.

Like if you were going to ask to hang out with him sometime "I was going to go to (x) this afternoon and I wanted to bring a friend, do you want to come along?" or whatever...

So, you've been talking to him for a year right? Have you ever hung out with him as a friend in some way yet?

I don't know how many others feel this way, but...for me the first time someone shows me they're interested in one (or more) of my "special interests", I have to resist the urge to instantly move that person right to the top of my "must have as a friend" list. I've gotten burned before doing that, so I've had to force myself to be cautious; but for me, it goes a long way toward including someone in my "friend circle" if they show a truly energetic interest in one or more of my special interests.

From what you've described, it sounds like the two of you are already friends....especially with:

I befriend people when they are respectfull towards me, show me they want to invest enough time into me to get behind my akwardness
And i'm ussually afraid to be alone with someone: awkward silences, me trying to fill silences with strange noises, stupid stuff and so forth.
But when people seem to enjoy themselves with me even when i'm doing the ussual weird stuff, then i take great respect in them for these people are truely given a kind hearth
I think respect is very very important...
I will allways give people the advantage of doubt (in first encounters)