Emotional manipulation with good intentions.

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Not sure if anyone else experiences this, or if it's even an Asperger's thing or not, I'm interested to see if anyone else can relate:

I've realized that often (if not most or even all the times) when I do something nice for someone, it's not exactly with the intent of making them happy. It's hard to explain...I feel satisfied when I accomplish doing something nice/good/sweet for someone that I care about, but it's not because they're happy. It's more because I feel personally satisfied with myself for pulling it off, like "hey, you pulled it off, fifteen points to you - now they'll think even better of you."

I don't get any kind of "warm fuzzy" feeling when I see their usually very happy (or even highly emotional) response to thoughtful things I do...I'm just satisfied and proud of myself for managing to pull it off. I feel accomplished and powerful, not empathetic or emotional or happy in return. Then I usually have to mask my discomfort when they express affection in thanks, I kind of have to fake returned affection. (Even if they are people I really do care about otherwise, it really feels like an act.)

I should add that I'm very, very good at this; I'm extremely thoughtful and frequently do very thoughtful things for friends and family...I've been told multiple times over the years that this is a huge strength of mine and something people really value me for. But I do it for me. It's a game for me, thinking of people and what I could do to/for them to elicit a very positive reaction and make them think even better of me. I did it a lot with one of my exes - she was highly emotional and I always felt very powerful playing with her emotions, it was a fun game to think of things I could do for her - for challenges I thought of very specific emotions and responses I wanted to receive and I'd plan out something, usually a gift, that would try to elicit that exact reaction. I usually got it and would feel very...satisfied. Not happy because she was happy, just...accomplished.

(I realize how twisted this may sound. I'll also add that I feel empathy with people in other situations and am certainly able to form emotional attachments of multiple kinds; I'm not a psychopath or sociopath. I just really like playing with people...they're so predictable and easily won over. You just have to examine what you know and can presume about them and it's a good game from there.)

I guess it's alright, since so far I've only used it with good intentions? (Mostly.) I'm curious to see if others can relate or have thoughts about this.

I think that's more an NT thing. Society teach us to behave this way... its like fake niceties really. Be nice because it makes you the better person. It's selfish because your doing it to seem a 'better person', for social status, instead of being true to yourself.

I tend to agree with starfox, it's an NT characteristic. The same applies to feelings of empathy, which Aspergians apparently don't have, but in fact do, and on a far deeper level than neurotypicals. Like being 'nice', NT empathy is somewhat of an empty social convention.

Thanks for your thoughts. My question now is, if this is really a "normal" NT thing, why do they place so much value on it, if everyone knows everyone's motives are selfish? I think I don't understand why people would pretend others are being altruistic if they know they're just doing it because it's fun to feel powerful.

I don't like to say that this is a normal NT thing because I don't like to question people's intentions, although sometimes not questioning intentions could allow them to manipulate me. But I do think it goes along with the concept of empathy in that NT people have the ability to fake it even if they don't really care, which is a skill that AS people tend to lack.

People like to at least pretend the world is a better place than it really is.

A person might be helping other's only out of personal gain/satisfaction like you said, but people like to look at the person and think good of them.

For example, if I owned a company I might only care about money. But if I spend money to do something good, people will look at me and go 'Oh, look at how selfless, compassionate and giving he is' when it is only a temporary selflessness to eventually result in personal gain.

"You got to spend money to make money" they say.

A business might donate a large amount of money to charity to 'look good' to the people, then the people might start to buy the products the company makes, making the company more money. So they can give more money to charity, of course! (no, so they can keep it for themselves and only donate a small sum to charity).

I think N.T's just like to lie and pretend that there are people that cannot be selfish.

That is a lie. We are ALL selfish in our own ways. We all do things for other's sometimes only for our own personal gain.

Doing good things for others because it makes YOU feel good is called "enlightened self-interest". It harms neither the doer nor the recipient of the good deed, so why should you feel bad about it? It's a win-win situation.