Looking for new friends in adulthood-Out of ideas

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If you think you can't do something, you can't. By telling yourself it is impossible, you have no motive to try, as such attempts would therefore be futile. Everyone has the potential to change, even you. You don't have to stop being yourself to become a happier version of yourself.


Why converse with anyone if it's all about you? Couldn't you just write in a journal or think to yourself if you weren't needing them to be another human being? Would talking to a computer programmed to make agreeing noises and faking interest serve the same purpose?


Well in the abstract, what is there to like? Traits that lead to evolutionary success are not necessarily pleasant or appealing--pretty much the opposite, really. Things that are considered distinctly "human" are generally flaws and weaknesses, but a dislike of humanity is just one more thing you may have in common with many others, so it could be a great bonding point.

Regardless of my opinion of humanity, humans are incredibly varied and complex, so why wouldn't they be interesting?


Your friendship with someone doesn't have to look exactly like anyone else's friendship with anyone else. You don't need a "normal" friendship, you need friends. Maybe your new friends won't be "normal" either. What if only .1% of people are potential friends for you? You should still expect that there would be 30 of them in a town of 30,000, and you don't need 30 friends. Don't give up on finding one just yet!


You don't suck as a human being if you aren't going around harming people. Lacking social skills is not morally wrong or an affront to society, so don't be so down on yourself.

You say you care only about what use people can provide for you, but maybe this is just a way to preemptively reject them before they reject you, because you do care what they think. You crave social connection, like a normal person would, and here in writing, your instincts are actually very good. You've expressed gratitude very well to me for trying to help you, and you really don't come across at all as someone who does not genuinely care about others. Having difficulty returning a greeting or initiating a conversation indicates a level of social anxiety that probably wouldn't exist if you are as detached from the rest of humanity as you claim.


You effectively solved a problem by using a dating site to meet your wife. It isn't some sort of shameful way of going about finding someone that you should judge yourself negatively for "needing" to resort to, it's a smart workaround you should be giving yourself credit for and using as inspiration for considering yourself the practical problem-solver who can figure out a way to meet your needs.


The journey may seem daunting, if you think of it as some huge chore, but try to enjoy making small progressive steps. What else do you have to do, ponder sports statistics and distantly nod at your coworkers when forced? Step outside your comfort zone, you're already uncomfortable anyway!

Just wanna say, I think you're insightful and intelligent. Not at all offensive. Thanks. Sorry other people on here don't get it.

Hey, it might seem strange reviving a week-old thread, but I wanted to add an update.

I've begun what I like to call the 'path to acceptance' in which I will go through the process of learning to tolerate, care for and accept a larger and more diverse variety of people and like the diversity of people for what it is.

I'm happy beakybird sir that you also begun this process, as your earlier posts in this thread seem to indicate or imply.

However I will say I have come-up with my first few issues.

Once little example is finding a relationship/dating. In the past I'd narrow down OTHER PEOPLE until there was only a very, very tiny amount that I'd be interested in getting to know.

This made me feel picky and choosy and like my standards were perfectionistically high.

However, doing the exact opposite proves little results - narrowing down not who I am attracted to, but what kind of people would be attracted to me.

The problem is, I feel I don't relate with the majority of other teens my age. I will not bother thinking of a reason as to why. Maybe I'm 'more unique' (without sounding like a special little snowflake), maybe I'm 'more mature', maybe I'm 'less mature', etc. the point is I can not build a connection with a very high amount of people my age.

On a variety of dating sites I am extremely honest about who I am and don't change anything about who I am to appeal to others - for instance, I do type long, verbose, and expressive, and I specifically say I'm not going to change that, and that I hate textspeak. I list my true interests, and not just the mainstream ones.

The problem is in the past, the vast majority of females my age who have been attracted to me, have liked me only for my looks, and are quickly drawn away from my personality. I want to narrow it down from the very beginning.

Most of the time I list no traits of what I'm looking for, just what I am, and hoping it narrows it down enough that it appeals to a specific person.

Unforunately this does result in little, often NO attention from females my age.

I could go the conformist route and post a shirtless pic showing off my muscles like a lot of males my age seem to do, and list nothing about my personality and just post 'single want girlfriend like for message', but to me that's desperate, lowly, etc. and I want them to be attracted to my personality as well as my looks.

You're lucky you're married beakybird, which makes me wonder: If you've found it so hard to make friends during adulthood because of similar issues as mine, how did you manage to get married?

I don't mean that in an offensive way.

It's just I definitely am having trouble with relationships...thing is, my first two girlfriends WERE quite 'unique' - the first had learning difficulties/mental disability, very tomboyish, had suffered all kinds of abuse and issues in the past, she was extremely aggressive and rude, but also had a softer, sensitive, 'sweet' side to her, the oldest senior at my school and the only 19 year old high school senior I've ever met. Alright, so maybe she's not that unique. The second was a little childish/immature, hyperactive, playful, extremely artistic, but also headstrong, intelligent, determined, hardworking.

It's just not something I can find easily - girls with a certain childish innocence, but at the same time, ambition, determination, artistic etc.

What I mean to say is, in short, how did you 'strict standards' of friendships/relationships not prevent you from finding someone. I've tried doing things differently and it still doesn't work for me...

Ok, I'll attempt to address this a thoroughly as I can while keeping it legibly brief.

How did I end up married? In short, straight up, the will of god. I'm only partially kidding. Fate, good fortune, divine intervention, whatever. But it was and is the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. It sounds cliché, but even how the story started was very fortuitous and unlikely.

Without going into the whole story, I met her on Match.com in February of 2004. She was the first, and only person I ever met over the internet. It was my only attempt at a dating site. There was quite a bit of luck as she was the first, and only person I tried to contact. In fact, her profile was the reason I paid. Hence why I say will of god. Not many people can say they had a 100% marriage success rate on a dating site. I did nothing, and am nothing special.

I was very clear on the things I wanted, made sure there weren’t too many “must-haves” and tried to be very flexible on everything else. I wasn’t very rigid, for a relationship, in too many common interests. Me and her had some, but it was our values, principles and perspectives that we were both seeking a match for. And found it.

I didn’t have as big of a problem identifying with people in my late teens/early 20s. I easily assimilated into metal/drug subculture in an area that had plenty of people into both. Biggest issue is those became my biggest interests, and still mostly are. It’s much harder to find people in their late 30s who still are as into that sort of stuff as I still am. Which some, Im sure think is immature. But I am what I am. I was also fortunate to have found a few best friends I had from 17 to, for the most part, this day.

I’ve always valued quality over quantity.



I think it’s to your advantage to try and learn how to not use absolutes so much. You could stand to soften your rigid thinking. It’s not a matter of more, less, better. People are different. I’m trying to learn how to accept and work with this rather than classify and eliminate all but exactly what I want. In many things not just friend choices.



I think there are different standards when it comes to friends and girlfriends. If you want a serious committed relationship from someone, your standards should be kinda high. But what you want, while uncommon, isn’t that much to want.



But wanting a certain personality isn’t a bad thing. Should you encounter someone truly compatible, they’ll appreciate your honesty and being secure in who you are enough to stand by it.

The biggest issue in having standards, particularly in the personality/compatibility department will make finding good matches tough. But it’ll make for better matches when you do find them. Because ideally you want someone with that very same priority- finding someone based on who they are and how well you fit together.

However toning down some of your rigidities like ‘I hate textspeak’ and “I’ll always type long messages” may help you. Even after 12 years, my wife goes nuts over my needless rigidities.