Intrusive questions dilemma

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I have a dilemma.
Every time I go to the dentist's for a teeth cleaning and checkup, my dental hygienist always asks me about my life. She's a very chatty individual, and she's known me since I was a little girl, and she has a good memory unfortunately, so she likes to keep up with what's going on with me. I don't know why. Maybe nosy or curious.

But anyway, due to the way I am wired differently, I have always been a "late bloomer", so the older I get, the more self-conscious I am about all of my answers to her. Especially when it comes to questions about my work, and my future. These are sensitive topics for me. I do not like being questioned about my job (it's unimpressive, and I've had the same one since I was 13. I'm 30 now). Being asked this stuff makes me feel like I'm about the size of an ant. She will ask repeated questions about my life plans, she'll ask if I plan on marrying my boyfriend of 8 years, about my ambitions, and if I plan on working elsewhere, and once she even started to ask me how much money I make. Thankfully another lady walked in and interrupted before I had time to answer.

The only reason I kept returning as long as I have, is because I really like my main dentist. "Chatty lady" is the dental hygienist they automatically set me up with first when I see him.

I want to know if there is a polite way that I can ask her not to ask me about my personal life, without sacrificing my dignity? My tooth is starting to hurt, and I haven't told anyone yet, because I'm absolutely dreading having to deal with her again.

Yikes, that's an awful lot of responding she's expecting you do to with a mouth full of cleaning tools!

Maybe you could make a show of going "gah wah wah" and not being able to articulate clearly while being worked on. This won't work, however, if she times it so that you can reply to her questions anytime she gets out of your mouth and changes tools.

She probably doesn't mean to be nosy, and is just making friendly chit chat, although knowing this doesn't help you feel any less intruded upon. I don't like questions like these either -- to me, it's rude and prying even when and if the person doing it doesn't intend to be.

Can you answer with boring, monosyllabic, uninformative replies until her interest dries up? Things like "Oh same old same old" about your job. Or when she asks if you want to change up to something bigger and better, just say "Very happy with my same job, thanks for asking." Or even just "Nope."

When she asks if you're hoping to marry the man you're involved with, this does go into territory where it wouldn't be completely unacceptable to say something like "Oh well, now, that's between me and him" and try to look her in the eye while saying this, maybe with a polite, tight smile for emphasis. Not always comfortable, I know, but sometimes people seem to need the direct eye contact to "get" an emphasis you're making.

Maybe after that same old response, you could throw a question back at her, like "What do you like best about your job?" or "Do you have any kids?" Otherwise, she might not get the hint and she might ask another question. It's also your prerogative to just say "To be honest, I'm not really in a chatty mood today. Thanks for being friendly though, you're a really nice person."

a variation of "I am not comfortable answering this/these question(s)" should be polite enough.

It sounds like she is the type who interviews people and you could politely tell her "I appreciate your interest in my life in all but I feel like you always ask me the same questions over and over. Do you have any ideas or suggestions on how I can improve my own life?"

You could also talk to her boss or supervisor about her repetitive inquiry and that she never asked any new questions.

I don't mind other people asking questions but it's the constant empty questions that drive me nuts. I find those kinds of people annoying. Know that it's okay to assert yourself with her as well.

As an example:

I used to attend a congregation where these types of people existed. I remember getting annoying at empty question after question. I ended up having to walk away from one lady because she would not stop. I told her that her questions were not intelligent enough and I walked away.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I have read all of your messages.

I actually agree that there does come a point where really and truly those people should be called-out on their intrusiveness, and ideally it is probably the most productive and necessary to let them know a boundary is being crossed. I'm having a dilemma like this in my life at the moment too, and I'm about to go to that very blunt place with the similar person who is bothering me (another thread!)

But the OP has anxieties about this, and since this is her hygienist she seems get booked with every time, she may have to be more diplomatic at least at first.

On the other hand, since this is an ongoing situation, some boundary setting will have to occur, I don't disagree.

I'm exactly the same! I too panic when cornered with nosy questions I wasn't prepared for, and I too find myself unable to process my thoughts fast enough to not just blurt out too much sharing because it's the true answer rather than a deflection that protects my privacy -- which is a legitimate and appropriate response, it's just that I never seem to "have time" mentally to instantly come up with that. Unfortunately this is part of spectrum and social anxiety symptoms; these things come naturally to NTs but for us we have to brainstorm strategies.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I have read all of your messages.
I think I will attempt the boring uninformative answer approach. It seems like the path of least resistance in this case.
I have social anxiety, and I think part of that social anxiety causes me to panic slightly when cornered by nosy question askers, and before I can think fully, I find myself blurting out the most acceptable sounding pleasant truthful answers just to "fend" them off, but perhaps this is a wrong approach, as it might have just encouraged more of the questions (also it's draining). I'll try to be more boring and vague. I like this idea...

The problem with the direct, boundary-setting approach is that to her, I think it would seem very out of context, and she might even be hurt by your accusation. These are really pretty typical questions, it's just that your situation is such that you don't want to answer. If you end up needing the direct approach, you could try, "To be honest, I'm a private person and don't always like to chat about my personal life. At least that way, you've made it about you and not about her. Unless there's something I'm missing here, she really sounds like she's just being friendly.

If her questions are ridiculously repetitive, you could try teasing her and say something like, "Did you know you ask me that every single time we see each other?" with a grin on your face, but then you would have to deal with whatever she says back.

This makes sense actually. I process things more slowly when I'm nervous. I must try to remind myself to stay mindful even in the face of nosy questions of doom. XD

I'm exactly the same! I too panic when cornered with nosy questions I wasn't prepared for, and I too find myself unable to process my thoughts fast enough to not just blurt out too much sharing because it's the true answer rather than a deflection that protects my privacy -- which is a legitimate and appropriate response, it's just that I never seem to "have time" mentally to instantly come up with that. Unfortunately this is part of spectrum and social anxiety symptoms; these things come naturally to NTs but for us we have to brainstorm strategies.

Rosey86 wrote:

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I have read all of your messages.
I think I will attempt the boring uninformative answer approach. It seems like the path of least resistance in this case.
I have social anxiety, and I think part of that social anxiety causes me to panic slightly when cornered by nosy question askers, and before I can think fully, I find myself blurting out the most acceptable sounding pleasant truthful answers just to "fend" them off, but perhaps this is a wrong approach, as it might have just encouraged more of the questions (also it's draining). I'll try to be more boring and vague. I like this idea...

Just start asking her questions like:

1. How do I convince my boyfriend to pop the question?
2. How can I become a dental assistant? I have been working in the same job for 16 years but I need something new to do with my life?
3. You seem to full of inquiry. Why didn't you work for a counselor? They ask lots of questions.
4. Do you know of anyone who's hiring?
5. Well, you know I am an introvert and I am not good at making networks for jobs? Any suggestions?
6. Are you saying you want to be friends? I thought that a dental assistant couldn't be friends with her clients.

Just start asking her about her life and do it constantly.



You might also tell her "It sounds like you need to stay focused. Otherwise, you'll mess up my mouth."

As far as employment goes, it sounds like you might need to meet some new networks. You don't have to be outgoing but you could do to learn some new social skills and meet some people who could pull some strings. It also sounds like volunteering and building your skills from there could he