nearly impossible to make friends (even as a female)

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Hi guys,

I'm a woman on the autism spectrum and lately I've been reading about how autism represents itself differently in women than in men. For example, they say women with autism are much better at making (and keeping) friends than men because woman are better at mimicking social behaviors, non-verbal language et cetera.

However, in my case this simply isn't true. I've always had and still have gigantic problems with social interaction.
I'm really closed-off and find it incredibly hard to talk to people. I love deep, meaningful conversations but in order to get to that stage you have to start with small talk. Most of the time that doesn't go down well since I'm so awkward.

Are there any women on the spectrum out here who have the same experience?

I only have a couple of acquaintances that I met through an organisation for (young) single people, but no close friends who I can for example celebrate my birthday or New Year's Eve with. I just don't sea/hear from this people outside of the official activities/events of this organisation. I've been a member for almost three years now and still haven't been able to make real friends... A lot of the members leave the organisation after a year or so because they have found a group with who they can get along with the best (or found a romantic partner), so they hang out with them and don't have the need to be a part of the organisation any longer.

It seems to me that I'm always the one "chasing" people in a way to build a connection. It's always a one-sided thing, they don't seem to like me as much as much as I like them, and that really hurts.

I'm sorry that this post is a bit depressing, but I've been feeling quite low lately since my birthday is coming up in a month and I was (once again) confronted with the fact that I have no-one to celebrate it with due to people on my Facebook who were posting pictures about their birthday parties and saying how greatful they were for all the birthday wishes and so on. It just makes me realise even more how alone I am and how unable to connect with people.

I thought things would change as I got older but I've lost all hope by now. I just don't know what to do anymore.


DarkStar

I can't make friends, because I can't tell if someone is trying to be my friend or not.

women live life on easy mode, especially if you're a white western woman.

Hey DarkStar,

Yeah, the world can be a terrible place, and not having friends here can be even more daunting. I've been on both sides of having friends and not having friends. In a way, the only reason I HAVE friends is because either they introduce themselves to me, or someone else introduces me to them. Trying to make friends on my own has been a terrible experience, much in the same way yours has been. I've spent most of my life struggling with the social anxiety that comes with having AS, constantly getting convinced that no one really likes me. Small talk is probably the most useless part of a conversation, yet it's the most important to getting to know someone. Simply avoiding it isn't an option, but how do you learn it?

I don't want to be too much of that stereotypical "guy who wants to solve all your problems" so I'll leave myself at that. Still, if anything, it's all about presentation and being just interesting enough to be approachable. I understand life can be extremely tough, so just keep on keepin on! Happy Early birthday!

Hey i hear you, i have gone through very similar being male and know that feeling on birthdays and Christmas. I also thought things would get better when i got a little older but realized they didnt ( some things did and some got worse) It is not easy and if i had the answer for you i would happily patent it and give it to the public domain. However as i sit here in my bedroom, door locked, curtains closed with all amenities surrounding me as if there was an imminent nuclear strike and my provisions would last a year, i am writing you with no bloody idea how i can help! ( sorry, have to laugh at myself sometimes!) What i have done is try not to concentrate on that deep inner feeling to connect with others, and that deep need. I have over the last 12 months become more accepting of myself and my constant quiet time and have found similar to a break up that to start it was hard and lonely, but in time those cravings have worn off like a sugar rush and i am now actually enjoying my own time! Also if and when i do meet people round town that are good people it makes the interaction more worthwhile. Im sorry your feeling lonely and sad and it actually saddens me to know your position as it brings those emotions back. Im sure someone of a much wiser nature might have a better contribution but for what its worth you are always welcome to get in touch even if it is just to vent. My PM box is open 24/7 I truly hope you feel better and some inner peace soon!

I share your frustrations... I have one friend whom i made 17 years ago thru a former friend... and thats it... and hes in another state with a big family now...

Ive never known how to make friends... and being lonely with no one to,talk to, and even fewer to get deep with is hard. Some days i just sit in my room and rock and cry for close to an hour out of sheer frustration...

To me its more the actual meeting people. In public im mostly silent and brooding, which comes off as unapproachable... so Im stuck.

Good news is you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Same. So lonely

Well, I think alot of people - no matter how awkward in real life situations - can express themselves better online.

Maybe you could join an online social group that's sort of an extension of the real life group you're in now. Try finding an online group near where you live, get to know the people, and if you're comfortable then meet them in person.

Since they already know your feelings online, it should be much easier to become friends when meeting. It can be hard to do that with no prior real connection, through lack of real-life expression.

This board is good too - maybe create a thread (like auntblabby did) asking 'Anyone from [city where you live]' and see if anyone might want to start chatting.

I fail to see how girls have an easier time than guys. Intelligence and attractiveness helps the aspie social issues but that goes for both guys and gals.

Yes I relate. I come across socially sloppy and find myself excluded even among women on the spectrum. But I'm not great at iniating or chatting with friends. I also have a hard time conforming whether it's to polical or social rules and find myself closing off more than ever. I figure it's better to be alone than to pretend to be someone you're not. I used to try and keep friends but found myself more frustrated and ostracized. I've always been alone though so maybe I'm getting used to it. At times it can be painful but I take my meds and just go on in life. My creativity is what keeps me going.

[quote="xile123"]women live life on easy mode, especially if you're a white western woman.[/quote


Sexist generalisations are reductionist, one-eyed, unrealistic and unwelcome on WP. Please review the rules before posting again.

Your history is very, very sad OP. In your place I would have cry.

My situation
1. Don't have friends (or probably not recognize like pieplup)
2. Lost a friend after about 5 years.
3. Actually i have just one friend.

Unfortunately even though i know what it's like to have it not at all can't say how to build friendships it sure reason why not more of them.

I think the same way. Sure it copy stereotype about the men "must try to" and women not.


+1

i have a very small number of friends who i meet once in a blue moon when i travel or they travel. the last time i saw a friend in person was more than a year ago. i have one very-long-distance friend who i talk to regularly, which helps me keep my sanity. i haven't had regular "real-life" friends for so long i've lost count of how many years it's been

i don't really have that much problem with superficial interaction itself, but i just don't know how to form any meaningful bond with people. whether i'm capable or not of doing some kind of social thing, it just doesn't seem like people take pleasure in the same types of things as i do, and vice-versa. all the types of social interaction that i'm aware of, which people use to maintain their social relationships and form new ones, are either out of my reach (mainly because i don't already have a social network) or feel bafflingly pointless to me. i doubt that there aren't other people out there who do take pleasure in the same types of things as me and/or share a similar worldview, but they do seem to be rare, and i have no idea where or how to find them

true. no matter how old you are

Hi Darkstar, I totally resonated with everything you posted.

I've had an impossible time building friendships throughout my life, especially with other women. (Didn't learn I was on the spectrum until the past couple months, and I'm 27 now.) As a kid, I was always that girl whose "best friend" had a "best friend" that wasn't me. I also tended to feel more comfortable around boys/men, which turned into a problem post-puberty.

The women I lived with in college rarely talk to me unless I initiate, and I don't feel like I have anything in common with them anymore. I've mostly given up on making plans with them, because they tend to cancel at the last minute.

5 years ago, I moved to a new city and determinedly went out to meet people and make friends (mostly through Meetup.com). I had the exact same problem, where the acquaintances I made through the group all started getting together in more spontaneous, casual settings. They invited me out occasionally in the beginning, but I felt disconnected, like they had all started bonding together and I wasn't a part of it.

I realize I've been going through this "cycle" for years now, but don't know how to break out of it: 1) motivate myself to go out, 2) make acquaintances, 3) feel discouraged/disconnected, 4) stop going to events / lose contact with people, 5) sink into a depressive hibernation for a few months, 6) decide to emerge from hibernation, 7) repeat.

I see other Aspies have more friends than I do. At work there's a very obvious Aspie, and already he's planning on going away for a couple of weeks with one of the other boys at work (who is NT). They are the same age (both about 20). But this Aspie is quite annoying and strange, stranger and annoyinger than me. I don't know how he makes a friend like that to be close enough to go away on holiday together.

I have researched my ancestors and built a family tree that goes back to 1800. As part of this process I have found some 2nd and 3rd cousins around the world and these have been verified through DNA. I now have a healthy looking Facebook page where they keep me updated with their activities and family. Not exactly "friends". Even better maybe.