What to do about parent who doesn't ever spend time w/ kid?

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I'm a college student, and have a dad who is charitable to the entire world but can't spend a night home with his own family.

I've literally spent 3 hours alone with my parents this entire year. That's the standard for my family. I can count the number of family days or family nights/quality family time memories we've had in my life.

I like that my dad is charitable and helps people-- except his own family, of course- charity's cool. But it's wrong to ignore your own family to "help the world"-- and it's wrong to not even try to get to know your own kids.

It sucks that we don't know each other at all and that he can't see that it's unfair to try to be like a parent to everyone but his own kid. Obviously I'm not missing out on much- a "father" that ignores his own family isn't worth trying to get to know, but it's sad for me, it's sad for my mom, and it's sad for my future kids that won't have an active grandfather.

Tonight was yet another night like that. I'm visiting them 3 days-- I get to see them a few times a year now tops with college in another state. Even growing up we hardly ever spent any fine time together at all living in the same house. Our semi-annual, every handful of years, memorial day was to spend an hour or two father-child at the zoo or lake.... one day every few years. Father of the year award right there.

We're sitting in the living room having a family night-- it's my birthday, and it's my last night here before I have to fly back to the state I live in.

My dad goes and works out with his friend, shortening our planned family night, then comes home mid-evening. We try for family night then.

We sit maybe 20 minutes as a family before his friend calls saying she's having a fight with her teen son- he tells her to come over. Yeah, a grown woman should really be calling her friend-of-a-friend to calm her own son down... multiple times a year. The teen guy is angsty, but not vicious, and if he was-- she should call someone other than her friend-of-a-friend. #parentfail

Family night... done. Over. #parentfailpart2

It's my last night here, and it's my birthday.

It's one of a few short visits a year that I get to see my family.

I sympathize with the mom lady fighting with her teen that he agreed to talk to.

But, it's this non-stop. Any minor problem a friend has trumps family time every single time, year after year.

Dad's friend waits until late night the day before an exam, father says "sure come over" ruining our family plans. Or dad's friend is frustrated with their girlfriend for the 10th time this week, father says "come over now, we'll talk," ruining our family plans."

We never get family time. 3 hours of family time or less per year is more than we usually get.

Last night we had planned a family night, but he invited his friends over to try to help them with their credit scores. I mean, really? His adult friend's credit scores are a "crisis?" Why don't his adult friends learn to do anything for themselves, like working on their own credit, instead of using him time and time again? He didn't spend time with his wife. That's routine too- he isn't there for his wife for holidays like that. He buys her flowers and a card now which is great- but he puts any minor trivial need of his friends before the emotional needs of his own family.

Yesterday afternoon he invited a bunch of people over so they wouldn't be alone on Valentine's.

It's his own family that ends up alone, winding up in our individual bedrooms to get away from his friend's drama, not able to have family time without him on our own too with the chaotic drama going on in the rest of the house.

I like that he helps people, but it's wrong to ignore your family. Well, that is-- he helps everyone but his own family.

When I've literally spent less than 3 hours together alone with my family in a year-- that's sad.

He doesn't know me at all, never has-- he's never tried to. Ever.

I literally didn't know what color his eyes were until college, and that was only since I took our family photos and edited them. I still can't quite remember his eye color. Doubt he knows mine either. That's how much we don't know each other.

He does charity for everyone he knows but his own family who is nicer than his frickin friends who use him non-stop.

Family are people too, and the father-figure he's trying to be for his friends is what he's denying his own family, always has.

If someone needs help with their credit score, moving their stuff, letting out their dog, breaking up with their girlfriend, whatever... anytime, anyone... he's willing to spend quality time with them whenever, whenever..... and he lets it always interrupt attempts at family time... every single time.

Having his friends over during what was supposed to be a family night yesterday to help them with their credit score is not an emergency. That could have waited a day until I have to fly back.

I expressed how I felt earlier today, wanting to spend family time. Yet again tonight he let some random phone call of a friend he barely knows cancel our family night. He decided helping his friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend move his couch and furniture was an emergency that should cancel family time too.

He'll do anything for his friends anytime-- listen to them endlessly about their minor life worries like grades. But he can't spend an hour of quality time getting to know his own kid.

On Valentine's day he didn't spend time with his wife, instead he invited his young friends over to help them with their credit scores.

He believes it's his duty to help people, a religious duty. That's cool, but why would the needs of everyone on the planet come before your own family every time?

Why is it ok to be a father-figure and comfort the emotional needs of every friend you have every single time they're even slightly upset or disappointed in life be more important than ever spending time with your own family?

I like charity, and I like helping friends. But that shouldn't mean a family doesn't know each other at all because they help everyone else other than their own family.

My mom understands the situation and realizes my dad doesn't understand family time.

Naturally, I'm hurt.

My dad has never tried to get to know me, and has never tried to spend quality time with this family- a few short childhood vacations aside.

He likes to help everyone else, and treats all his young friends like they're his kid. He's never spent quality time with me like he has with his friends trying to get to know me.

I was a perfect ideal child- good grades, I volunteer tons, I have good extracurriculars, gave him "best dad tshirts" every father's day-- even though he was never ever a father to me and never spent quality family time with his own family, go to a top 10 school and paid for it 100% by myself, I didn't drink or smoke or do any teen rebellion stuff.

What would you do if you were me and had a dad who never had acted like a dad to his own kid- but was nice and charitable to everyone else he meets?

Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I realize he'll never change and I'll never be a real father. He never was.

I don't want to have kids and him not be a grandfather to his kids like he wasn't a father to me.

I missed out on having a father and still miss out on having a father--- I don't want my own kids to miss out on having a grandfather.

Should I just accept not having a father figure, and choose to marry a spouse of my own who will make me/my kids a priority?

Long vent, but... it sucks.

Realistically, I know he won't ever change.

And, I know someone who's never tried to have a relationship with his own child isn't worth being upset about.

It just sucks to be second fiddle to your father's friends your whole life, all the while he advocates charity, helping people, etc. Your own family are people too, get he clearly couldn't give a flip about his own family.

He missed out on having a relationship with his child, and he'll miss out on having grandchildren. I'll never, ever let my kids around him so they can be put second fiddle to his friends. Along with the ex-cons, charity former druggies, registered offenders he "helps" and is "friends" with-- not to mention the texting/driving and other safety issues-- that mean I'll never, ever let my kids spend alone time with him. Ever. My kids will never visit him alone without me, nor will they ride as a passenger with him driving, nor will they ever spend a day at grandfather's house without my spouse/I present every second. Ugh.

What to do about parent who doesn't ever spend time with their own kid, but who is overly charitable with his friends? Ignore it? It's not like I've never been visibly upset around him, he couldn't be that inept to not know he's hurt his own family for many years.

I suppose my question-- how can I heal from having an absentee father?

Be glad it's not the other way round and your parents get mad at you for not being available to them 24/7/365, even if it's because you're studying. Not only would they make you feel guilty for studying—they'd make you give up on everything else, so forget about going out, having hobbies, meeting anyone of your own generation other than family members and so on. You'd be effectively cut off from the outside world, and they'd blame it on your lack of social skills and general sanity. Besides, after a few years living this way, they'd be right.

I'd rather have a parent who gives a crap about me than one who doesn't. I set boundaries for people in my life so we'd have to have a "talk" if they wanted 24/7 I'm sure. I'm over 18 so no one can make me give up any activity I do. Unpleasant boundary chat I'm sure. But I'd prefer that talk to feeling uncared for any day.

If I were still your age, I'd gladly trade places with you. They wouldn't have let you set boundaries, and much less get used to it, if they'd kept you properly isolated since your childhood, and refused to let you work while they were still paying for your studies, so you remained completely dependent on them, letting you have all the liabilities of being a legal adult, but none of the benefits. They can't make you give up any activity you do? Ha, ha, maybe if you do it after moving out carrying nothing with you, never to ask anything from them again and while you somehow manage to get started from scratch making a living with no practical knowledge of the outside world you've just thrown yourself into. But you may be technically right: my parents didn't make me give up any activity I did—they just prevented me from beginning to do it in the first place.

Considering how much I owe them, I'll never be truly free, even if I manage not to need anything from them anymore. If I were in your shoes, I'd say good riddance and enjoy your freedom.

In my country, we can move out at age 18 and legally get a job. So, I did. I moved out and got a job and paid for school myself, so I didn't let anyone alter what boundaries I felt comfortable setting and I wasn't at anyone's whim since I got my own place and my own job by 18. I would've chosen to not fo to college had I not been able to pay for my own college like I did. My country also has public housing for those with no income, so I suppose I would've considered that had I not gotten myself a job.

So, back to my question.

What is one to do when their parent doesn't prioritize family like they should and doesn't ever spend time with them?

It's his business whom he spends his time with. There's no should—you can't force him and attempting to do so will only breed more than justified resentment. You should just be glad you haven't been forced yourself to sacrifice your true goals in the name of that toxic concept of "family time".

I wish I had a good advice for you, oka. My father isn't into charity but I recognize the rest of what you're saying that other things are more important than (this part of his) family, so I understand where you're coming from. Personally I cottoned on as a kid and kinda stopped expecting anything from him. We will never be very close.

And yes, there definitely should be a should in prioritizing family. No one would be happy about feeling like they aren't that important to family. Some people getting attention that is negative to them, doesn't mean others should be happy about getting none. Two bad situations are two bad situations.

Everyone has a right to decide what matters to them, and the last people anyone owes anything is their children, as it's the latter who owe them their lives.

I'd be perfectly happy if my whole family forgot I've ever existed were it not because I still need them, which, to me, is a great source of shame, and shame is the only thing I bring to my family. Nothing would make me happier than being strong, independent and brave and paying them back everything I owe them—which is, of course, impossible—so I could say a big and loud "f**k YOU!" to them and cut them off from my life forever, preferably moving to another continent and starting a new life there, one which were truly mine, not theirs. But I'm lazy and cowardly and have already wasted far too much time. At my age, it's ridiculous to believe reality can ever remotely look like any of this.

Parents should spend time with their kids more than a few hours a year. Period. Id you don't want family time, don't have kids. Easy. Amd adults can't force each other to do anything, no, I noticed- adults can't force each other to spend time with each other or give up their dreams or determine each other's life plan.

So, any helpful tips on creating family time?

Last edited by oka on 16 Oct 2016, 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, it is the lack of prioritizing hos own family that makes it suck. It's not like he's working 18 hours a day to support family (try, 0) then spending a few cherished minutes with family as soon as he could and prioritizing them.

I'm not sure why I still hope that he'll act like a father for the first time in his life. Probably because he tries to act like one to his friends.

Shame so many people have families that don't value wach other enough.

Good luck with that.

The best thing parents can teach their children is self-reliance. In the unlikely event that I ever manage to have children, I'll encourage them to be busy making the best possible future for themselves and to learn to defend themselves from any pain in the ass of a person wanting to waste their time, and I'll find better things to do myself that being that kind of person. I won't let any nosy third party dictate how much we should pester each other. Period!

The most important lesson should be caring about one's own family, with self-reliance a close second.

And, a parent can't teach self-reliance without ever spending time with a kid.

People shouldn't have kids just to ignore them. If you want a life alone, don't have kids... easy to avoid choosing to have a spouse and kids if you don't want to treat them with respect by prioritizing family like one should.

How much/how long a parent nurtures a child before they start to "wean" them varies greatly from culture to culture, from parent to parent, child to child, and even from year to year. It's really a life-long process, and it's complicated, in part because there's always a need for balance between being too nurturing ("sMothering") and being flat-out negligent, inaccessible, or physically absent.

Spiderpig, I'm sorry for your hurt; you’re angry and you have a right to be. It sounds to me as if your parents have put a lot of guilt on you (or haven't eased it, at least), but the fact is, they brought you into this world and you are/were their responsibility. It’s absolutely realistic to expect parents to help their children see their own inherent worth and strengths, to guide them gradually along the way to their independence, to help them feel appreciated and cared for while not hobbling them with so much help so that they come to believe that they can't/shouldn't do squat for themselves--it's a big part of a parent's job to find the right balance for each child at each stage in their lives. I'm sorry if that hasn't been done for you, but it's short-sighted and comes across as unkind to deny oka’s pain. His is valid too.

Ora, I’m very sorry for you. It sounds like you haven’t had many (any?) chance(s) to work out that interdependence-vs.-independence ratio with your father at all; you’re essentially a "semi-orphan" right under your father’s nose and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. It seems to me that he's almost cheating on you, and I think that's a total shame. IMHO, he should be able to see your pain and acknowledge that his wife and blood kin should be his first and biggest priority. I absolutely don’t know why he gives so much TLC to others instead, but perhaps with some counseling (from a psychiatrist, a clergy person, etc.) you could come to understand him better and manage to find some peace. In lieu of counseling, a good self-help book or two might offer comfort. Sadly, many children are rejected, abandoned, or ignored by one or both parents, so you'll probably find many choices.