Never been able to have close friendships with other women

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I just can't do it. I make other women uncomfortable, and they make me uncomfortable. We can't relate or connect much.

I love my husband. I love the marriage thing. Totally excel at being a wife.

But I can't do friendship stuff with women.

Neurotypical women have a lot of stereotypes, and they often live up to them. SO MANY OF THEM talk a lot, talk a lot about feelings, give off a lot of subtle social cues I don't understand, aren't especially systematic unless they can multi-task and involve themselves with people's feelings and relationships in some way, don't like abstract introspection, don't like sports, don't like attractive men or sex, and are all thus hard for me to relate to.

I'm 32 now, and I'm thinking it might always be this way.

Only woman I've been especially close to is my mom. I got a lot of my systemizing from her. She isn't an Aspie, but she doesn't have any close women friends anymore, either. I remember one she had when I was really little, but when my family moved when I was four, there weren't any after that. Mom likes sports and learning about science and other systems type things. The only difference is she doesn't care that she can't relate to other women, whereas I feel guilty kinda that I can't.

Just the way it is, I guess. Do sorta wish I had one very good friend that I could spend time with and share things. But it's looking like it won't ever happen.

I am another woman who had a few close relationships with a few different females who were not NTs and out of those, none of those relationships lasted.

1. Most were insecure and envious of other females
2. They all had the priority to get Mr. Right on their arms and when that happened, they threw me away.
3. They didn't like me but used catty indirectness.

Thanks.

#1 is interesting. I suppose that does exist. Although most of the women I've gotten to know were at my last church, and they all seem highly sociable and like each other. I got too deep into theology for them though (they'd rather bond emotionally through talking than study something carefully and systematically), and I couldn't keep up with their massive social energy. So none of them became especially close friends.

About the closest exception was a lady I had known prior from teaching classes. She went to that same church, but was never really in the circle of highly sociable women at the church -- she didn't even like the women's retreats because of all the touchy feeliness (I went to a retreat and was pleasantly surprised, mostly because the speaker was unusually direct and inspired; going again this year and hope it's similar, but I realize that's not a guarantee). Anyway, she is very scientific, good at car mechanics, very logical, and never concerned about her social state. She ended up being the maid of honor at my wedding. We never spent a lot of time offline -- just a coffee meet-up once -- but she is probably the closest thing I had to a close friend. Since I moved last year, we obviously can't spend time much now, even if we wanted.

#2 Well that's sad. I suppose marriage and childbearing (if they had children) could take a lot of time away from other people. But if they maintained other friendships while ditching yours, then I guess they weren't as close as friends to you as they led on.

#3 That is really typical of women. I think they get so wrapped up in wanting happy feelings and relationships that they can't be forthright. Men typically communicate more like this:

"you're a douchebag; I'm tired of you"

Women are more like

"hi sweetie hope you are having a great day and have positive thoughts!" (inwardly they are thinking, "you are so mean and socially incompetent and aren't very fun to be around")

The former is more offensive, but at least it's honest. The latter sounds nice, but really they are having the same thoughts the guy had, and they just don't want to admit it for fear of being "mean sounding," which I guess is the same as "unladylike."

The closest long term friendship that I have had is with another female bus driver who is very interesting and genuine. Both of us can dominate conversations and go into every detail. She is very logical along with holding a great list of vocab words so I like her.

You are right about those females because they had said sweet words like,
"I love you like a sister," "You're my best friend," "I'll always be there for you," Their action spoke louder than words during our relationship.

E-G: One of them would blow me off whenever I would call because of my limited interests but would act in a passive aggressive manner. "I am busy right now." When she met her first boyfriend, those actions increased where she didn't want to get together or talk on the phone.

Welcome to the club.

I'm not a girl and I would think theres many many ppl that can respond better than I can but hope you don't mind my 'chipping in'.

Age 59 here, widowed fourteen months ago (40 yr relationship) and back again to WP to see what can result of it.

I sympathise most certainly with what you say, yes theres not much here in my life that can be called 'regular' ie no regular social contact but maybe two people that will allow me to talk and be myself. My wifes death was complicated, sudden as they say plus medical incompetence etc etc but I am trying hard not to hit the 'no win no fee' button.

Anyway all I can say I've learnt over the years and I started under previous aliases maybe a decade ago here on WP that the answers lie inward, in our selves. I'm going through a rough patch these last few weeks / months and latterly wondered if mental illness was entering my life. So here I am at 0300 up early and hoping for empathy.

To get back to try and contribute, my method is to keep encounters bright and low-key but admittedly I'm a bundle of energy and intrigue into whatever I'm learning / doing. Lately this last few months I'm starting to embarrass myself being too open with strangers and particulary targetting shop workers to 'hear my story'. Afterwards I hate myself for this 'odd' behaviour. I realise I must sort of try and get this under control; again, I hope WP will give me some form of outlet for my need to communicate.

Sorry to ramble, my view of this crock of sh#t called our lives is that the resting place of our yearnings must be within ourselves and with whatever we do that is meaningful / interesting to us. Luckily I still have some form of grip on what interests me but as again lately I've been frightened of losing whatever it is that is 'me'.

Being male I prefer friendships with females knowing fine well the 'group' in any form does not want me, m or f.

Hang on in, be yourself. Good luck.

p.s. hope u don't mind, this is my first post with this new name and I might use the above (edited) as my profile.

good topic.
i always thought i was a tom boy. Got on much better with blokes. Talked about engines and s**t.
My BF was always the dominant personality in the School. I would still be 'best friend' even though they went through numerous girl/boyfriends. None of these relationships would last long. We would fall out every 3/4 of a year. And then get back together. When I actually did get my first boyfriend in a City 70 miles away my girly NT BF sent me a damning letter telling me how Id abandoned them all, including my male BF. How do you think HE feels she said. I was baffled. Why wasnt she happy for me?
Im great at being a girlfriend and never could understand why the guys were so upset when I left them.
Never good at girly possies. Id rather go hide in a pit of snakes. Its kindof like a pit of snakes come to think of it.
I spent nearly a whole year once not speaking to a soul so I understand full well the social anxiety. In fact when I go to the pub I realised I would surround myself with folk so it 'looked' like I was being sociable. Playing pool, dancing, arm wrestling and any occupation alongside talking is OKAY. As long as no direct talking unless its in depth. When I was on mind altering substances it was OK but I remember observing folk doing this and they thought they were communicating but they were all in their own worlds to be honest. I CAN do it if I get in with a long term group of people. Still, Im the beloved geek. Conversation over my head. But often the one that took everyone off on mad adventures (I thought they meant it when they said lets go to the beach when we were in the pub and we'ld all find ourselves hitching at 2 a.m.)
But then I got into trouble. I found myself in an abusive relationship and this is when I suddenly realised I was missing my sisters. So I made a club of other women like me, and we did art, and acted, and sang together and had an epic time. Even took a women's pamper 'red tent' around the festivals together. They shreaked with laughter at the state of my skin as I endured a makeover and the years of unkempt skin cells they had to remove before applying make-up. But looking back on it they were all autistic women too !
Having three girls has been my saving grace. We grew up together ! !! !!
I finally came to the conclusion that no-one can be my long term best friend until I become my own best friend. Once I love all my foibles and strange ways then someone else will be able to love them too.

I don't know if I comment a lot on this since I'm a male. But I will anyways. I have some female friends right now. Some which is my girlfriend's friends. And one of her 2 best friends doesn't like me and finds me annoying but the other finds me ok. But obviously with these other female friends I don't have any romantic things with them which is find that we're just friends because I already have a girlfriend.

I could never play pool, cannot enter a pub.

I either creep them out or they think I'm a b***h. And I really can't relate to a lot of the girls I know.

incidentally kdm ...

you say they 'talk a lot' ... yes i can comisserate with that.

i would guess 99% are full of useless chatter... busy acting a part, full of received ideas and stereotypes as if clockwork toys.