Getting friend jealous

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I tend to struggle a lot with jealousy when it comes to my friends. Like, if they make new friends, I feel awful and worry that they'll abandon me for them. I sometimes secretly wish that I could have them all for myself, as bad as that sounds. Also, if they praise other people in front of me, I feel insecure about myself. Wondering if I'm good enough for them, if they like their other friends more than me, etc.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

Sorry, See below...

Last edited by mr.freeze on 19 Aug 2017, 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Affirmative. I think, for myself, this is related to my not being able to read what my level of relationship is to the given person in question. Myself I am a very honest person, the more honest someone wants the relationship, the better. But most people don't operate like this, so as a premise, the values are mismatched. Result? Often, I don't read the "signs" and the next thing I know that person has ghosted me and I'm wondering what I did wrong this time.

Frankly, this is happening less and less because typically, I recognize that it's very rare on a day to day basis that I'm going to be meeting the people I want / need in my life. Hope that helps. The struggle is reallllll.

I relate a lot to the issue of not being able to tell where you stand in a friendship. Besides that, knowing what someone else thinks of me is almost impossible which results in me questioning that a lot. Doesn't matter if they're a close friend, I always question if they actually like me or not, and if their perception of me has changed due to something I've done for example

You are not alone in this experience. Two things that I've learned (that may help you) along the painful path of trying to make friendship work are:

1. Find safe, kind people that are willing to be brutally honest with you about... everything.
2. Know yourself, others and life well enough (just be realistic) to tell yourself the truth when no one else is there to.

Personally, I've found a lot of "counseling" through professional development. I've worked in companies bad and good in a public facing capacity (which has been an excruciating source of growth). I've had many opportunities for management and coworkers to observe and give constructive feedback on my social behavior. Also, a lot of exposure to many different people via the public. My conclusion is that most people "lie", most of the time. Or do social dances that involve withholding and disclosing information based on strategy. You and I will probably never be truly close to "normal" kinds of people like these. I can mimic their logic, win at their games, but in the end, even if I do as they do, I will win a goldfish when what I want is a dog (apply your metaphor of choice.) I've just accepted this. I hope you accept yourself for who you are. I still find this hard for me because I blame myself for impeding my social desires. I also know the pain having a brain difference like ours brings in life amongst NTs. However, I believe that once I love myself for who I am, I will find people like me who I will be able to love as well. "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Love this topic, let's keep the dialogue going if you want.

Yes, loving yourself is so important. I too have a hard time accepting myself due to not fully meeting my social needs. I've even found that I tend to base my own self-worth on the validation I receive, or more so don't receive, from other people. When I'm feeling low, I often times catch myself thinking things like "why should I love myself when no one else does?". The "no one"-part is probably a bit extreme but that's how it can feel sometimes. Being an aspie with poor social skills, while at the same time having big social needs can be hard.

I suffered a lot with feelings of jealousy when I was a younger child. I didn't accept the few friends I had might not always wish to hang out with me and play with someone else: I felt I was all they needed! Later on as an adolescent to current times, I've had such little social contact that's lasted or ended on good terms that I developed a knack for casual disinterest in my friend's lives at the obvious price of seeming deliberately aloof. In any case, I've always found jealousy to be an extremely visible, ugly emotion to control and it's definitely not a very nice thing to cope with for both parties.

All my life, I have found that I get along fine with another party when I have one on-one with someone. When a third person is involved, I end up getting jealous. It's usually in romantic, platonic and even professional relationships sometimes.

One time when I was in daycare, at age 7, a friend who lived down the street was playing with another little boy and was also be cocky and competitive with me. This resulted in me not only throwing things but also hitting her over the head with a Lincoln log before accidentally snapping it in half and poking myself in the eye.

A few years ago, I stayed with my ex-boderline boyfriend and his two friends for a convention. The entire time, he got into his little zone as all three liked video games and spent all his time with them and I was mad at him.

I had a crush on a male on the spectrum but he didn't like me because he had low tolerance to my quirks. He was also envious of me often felt insecure around me. Yet, he was close with my ex-friend. One time, I was at a funeral and he lived up the street but didn't contact me about offering me a ride. Rather, he had evidently called her up and asked to give her one as it was a few miles from the funeral. He also ignored me throughout the duration and it was painful. I cried about it for a month after that along with feeling very angry with him for that.

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 23 Aug 2017, 3:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Actually it's a good sign that they praise people in front if you. They're probably praising you to other people.

It's like the opposite of a gossipy friend. If a friend gossips to you about others they sure will be gossiping about you.

That was such a nice way of putting something I've never thought about, I think your right!

That's probably a good way of thinking! Thanks for your input and to everyone else too!

I do too as I have always learned to to take the comparing aspect as negative. I like hurtloam's explaination as she implies that complimenting someone is a sign of humility and modesty.

Of the precious lil "friends" that I had in the past, I strongly doubt that they treated. Me worse than they treated their other friends.

However I did not spy or stalk, so I ain't got no proof

But what if I had proof, then what?

Can't do anything about it anyways

No. Most of my friends tend to be socially outgoing people and if they had not possessed such traits, they would not have forged friendships with me. So I've never had any problems with my friends having other friends. It's fine if they "drift away" and we don't see each other for a while, or they become closer to one of their other friends. It does not often change the nature of our relationship, and in most instances, we are still friends.

______________________

When someone tells me that he or she is my "friend", he or she does not necessarily have to treat me the same as the way they treat their other friends.

For example, if they share more details about themselves, spend more time and money, on other friends, then I am not jealous

As long as they do not do it in my presence

Then I am jealous

One former precious lil "friend" made plans with me. Socially. Then she had the nerve to cancel on me two hours a priori because she made plans with another friend

OK

Jealous

It's splitting fine hairs though

Some events come up that I recognize as more important than wasting time with yours truly

OK I get it

But there has to be a limit on how often those events happen or at least what the events are

Right. Nobody wants to just be the backup friend.