Too late to make new friends?

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@Marnkis, I did and I am sorry.

Apology accepted.

Please understand that the culture I live in is just really sick and restrictive. All my life I've been both figuratively and literally punched in the face. The culture I live in claims to be "moral and biblical" but in reality is very drug and alcohol saturated as well as sexually promiscuous. I was told to be a "good boy" and God would reveal His "plan" to me but it didn't happen. I was left sitting in my room wondering when God would bring me a girlfriend while the other guys my age were partying and getting all the girls. I was also told I needed to pump iron until my muscle fibers burst, go hunting with a machine gun, and call everything that wasn't related to the things above "gay" if I wanted to be a "real man". A lot of girls my age only wanted the "bad boys" and it still feels like they do.

I was told that I need to grow my hair out just to get a guy, wear makeup etc and I chose to wear my hair short because I want to let others know that I am still heterosexual and be a girl.

There are indeed a lot of unfair expectations geared towards women in the Bible Belt. They are generally told you need to be silent or you are "stuck up" and if you research science or history, you are "intruding" on male spaces. Ironically, a lot of male spaces are extremely juvenile and anti-intellectual.

I live in the bible belt myself but I reside in a big city where diversity thrives through the Southern way is still influenced here. Not only am I research science type of woman but I am known to talk. As you know, southerners are polite to your face but rip you apart behind your back.

I was supposedly disliked by my ex friend and her family and friends because

1. I dominated the conversation, which implied that I think I am the center of the universe. They prefered my ex-friend over me because she was passive and docile. Apparently, they would tell her "Don't bring her anymore. We don't like
2. I think I am better than everyone else because I am educated.
3. I was too bubbly.

Same. But I think the truth is they really just want NT boys. "Bad boys" are really good at playing social games. Spectrum boys will kick your ass at chess, but life isn't so black and white.

I suck at chess. I am terrible at anything involving strategic maneuvers. Part of it is due to having dyscalculia. It doesn't bother me, though, because it isn't necessary for living.

What kind of work do you do? What are your strengths? Just curious.

I work at a public library. I am told I am a good shelver but it doesn't feel like a strength to me. It's just something I do constantly.

Sounds like you have plenty of challenges. Disappointments lurk around every corner for those of us that are wired "differently." Life has obviously given you a massive, daily beating. Take it or leave it, but from a stranger, think a little more highly of yourself. When you start thinking of yourself in positive terms, good things start to happen. It's hard not to blame yourself when you are your greatest obstacle, but I challenge you to give yourself some respect and see what happens. Our world is a mirror of our self.

The depression I suffer from and my low self-esteem have plagued me for many years. I had moments where I felt down but they usually passed after a while and I would go back to just drifting through life. But since 2006, I've gone through an unending vicious cycle of despair and hopelessness.

One thing it does that I have a hard time explaining how since it makes my head hurt trying to do so has been bothering me lately. The day will feel agonizingly slow but when I finally realize it's only been a day, I can't get any of the time back. I feel like I need a cure but I can't get it so I keep on suffering until I go to sleep.

Hm. I hear where you're coming from. We're kinda like bats, or some other sonar producing animals. We send out information and are oriented by the responses we receive. In your case, the responses don't match your internal reality, you hear and see the world according to others but nobody is able to see it through your eyes or faculties. Sound familiar? I experienced the frustration you mentioned trying to explain things until my head hurt. Turned out I was trying to explain it to people who could never understand my perspective which is why it was frustrating. Feel free to PM me and I can give you more detail. Let me say you're not a normal guy, you're MORE than normal. In certain ways better. I mean that in a good way. Don't give up.

I am sorry I missed this message. My mental energy has been low lately and I've been hitting myself in the head out of frustration.