Social masking

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Does anyone do this to the point where they are mentally exhausted and it has such a profound effect on one's psyche that they begin to experience severe symptoms of mental distress which can affect interactions with others; particularly online and with people they care about?

I've created a mask in person for my NT peers at work and customers and it is utterly exhausting to wear. If I don't wear it then I don't have a job. If I do wear it, I feel like I'm slowly going insane with not enough time to recover outside of work. I need some job where I don't have to mask so much, but when I don't mask I'm more unemployable due to social and sensory differences (dealing with which pushes me to my limits) - than I already am.

I'm a perfectionist and my manager at work has a good opinion of me (she has explicitly said this to me on numerous occasions), but the cost is great...

Well... I do this for both keeping myself someone sane and not give law enforcers reasons to send me to jail or prison. I hate masking myself but for the most part, it's for my protection from my inner demons and from the social world. Not saying I'm good at it since there have been I times where I've threatened to kill people while out in public due to something someone said but I don't do as much anymore since well...more so because I hardly ever leave the house unless it's to take out trash, get food, get something I want that I can't order online, or be dragged around by my mother.

Although I still can look pi**ed as Hell when I'm out and about because I just despise the human race and I have a hard time hiding it...

This is very interesting. I just feel like a complete mug with my mask. It's an incredibly weak, self-defeating and subservient mask and it builds up a horrific rage inside of me which I sometimes unleash online to the detriment of people I care about. It makes me sick when I think about it and they don't seem to understand...

Interacting with people at church. I don't mask.

I also need to mask at work, and it's hard. Luckily, I only have to do that job in the weekends. I'm really grateful to have a second job where I am completely alone all day.
I used to work full time at a school - which includes constant interaction with both adults and children for eight hours a day without breaks. I was constantly exhausted, all the time I wasn't at work I was sleeping, so I couldn't engage in any interests, and I got severely depressed. I do miss the money, but I really prefer being poor over being tired and depressed.
The only coping-tactic I have is to take "stimming-breaks". Whenever it gets too much, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and I spend some time in there handflapping (or whatever I need to do). That and having secret stimming-toys. I have a balloon filled with sand (like a stress-ball) and a long, thin metal chain. Fiddling with those under the table really makes a difference.

Yes, I recognise this. From my mid-teens onwards, I went through the same cycle every few years - seemingly getting life together for a while; quick onset of exhaustion; social withdrawal in an attempt to recover; and eventually severe depression, loss of employment and back to square one again. Eventually, the pattern became clear to the people attempting to treat the recurrent depression, which is what ultimately led to my autism diagnosis.

When employed, the quality and quantity of work I do has rarely been questioned at the beginning, but inevitably tails off once the fatigue starts to accumulate. Well before problems at work become noticeable, I'll have reached the point where I'm too frazzled to handle even trivial communication with friends and family, and my self-care deteriorates alarmingly (poor grooming/hygiene has often been the first thing to be picked up on at work.) The job eventually becomes resented for having "robbed" me of anything else rewarding in life, and I resent myself for not being "strong" enough to handle it and for hurting other people by hiding away from them.

It's only later on in life that I've realised how much the mask has allowed other people to push me around, often into situations where the problem is even harder to escape (taking on extra responsibilities at work, for example.) Part of the reason that I avoid people altogether when burned out is that my ability to communicate becomes very impaired, and knowing that I'm unable to explain myself makes me very defensive and snappy - I can end up saying the most horrible things to people just to make them leave me alone, only realising later that they weren't the cause of the problem and were probably only trying to help.

I do wonder whether this would be any different now, but I don't know as I haven't had a job since I was diagnosed. I am slowly peeling the mask away in my private life and, though there have been a few isolated exceptions, it seems to have been beneficial on the whole.

Social masking? Yes I do this with everyone I know. To a certain extent even with my family. And yes it is exhausting and can put me into a psychotic episode if I let it go too far. I basically have to spend almost all my time alone to the point of being a hermit.
The main thing with me is I absolutely cannot stand "small talk" and most music which seems to be playing everywhere.
I wasn't diagnosed until my fifties because I am very good at social masking but it has become intolerable as time goes on. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying of loneliness but no one eases the loneliness so I keep to myself.
I don't think there is anything wrong with me/us. What could possibly be wrong with not being comfortable with people's artificial personalities? I can tolerate very young children and mentally ret*d persons quite well. Everyone else is social masking all the time but they don't know it like we do so it doesn't bother them.

I masked everything all my life, without even knowing it! And yes, it was exhausting and let to a severe burn-out. I'm on sick leave since and a few months ago I've got diagnosed with Asperger. My shrink's place is the only place where I can speak maskfree and that is such a relieve! Don't feel tired anymore after one hour of talking his head off.

Thank you for the replies, everyone. Yeah, this seems to be one of the biggest issues we Autistic folk have.. the social masking and the mental exhaustion that inevitably comes with it. I find myself too, being a hermit to regenerate, but even that is not enough time, often.