Trying to be Friends With Someone, But...

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Machine Man
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26 Dec 2017, 9:04 pm

There's a girl at my University who shares a lot of the same interests as me. She likes comics and fantasy books almost as much as I do. She also has bulimia and anorexia. I'd like to be friends with her both to have somebody to talk to about my favorite subjects, but also to help her get better.
There's a problem however. I don't think that she sees me as a friend, and I'm afraid that somehow I've unintentionally started to creep her out. I'm pretty nervous about screwing this up. Any help?



Summer_Twilight
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27 Dec 2017, 10:45 pm

If she has an eating disorder, her whole world revolves around body image so maybe it has nothing to do with being disinterested in you. If you want to reach out, I would start out talking about things you have in common rather than going into her health business though it's alright to worry about her.



Machine Man
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28 Dec 2017, 6:46 pm

"Whole world" seems a bit strong. She does worry about calories and work out a lot, though. I try to talk about shared interests, but I'm terrible on social approaches and small talk.



auralucario7
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04 Jan 2018, 3:47 pm

I admit I am too. The best advice I can give is try to find some kind of ice breaker, like if she's wearing a shirt with one of your favorite characters on it. Tell her your a fan of that too and ask her what her favorite hero or villain is. Just try to find an ice breaker pertaining to the moment and ask questions to try to get to know her better. If she seems friendly towards you and is maintaining conversation, you should be good.



Chronos
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06 Jan 2018, 4:00 am

Machine Man wrote:
There's a girl at my University who shares a lot of the same interests as me. She likes comics and fantasy books almost as much as I do. She also has bulimia and anorexia. I'd like to be friends with her both to have somebody to talk to about my favorite subjects, but also to help her get better.
There's a problem however. I don't think that she sees me as a friend, and I'm afraid that somehow I've unintentionally started to creep her out. I'm pretty nervous about screwing this up. Any help?


I suppose you can say "I'm kind of a social dweeb but it'd be great to hang out sometime if you ever wanted to meet up." But be prepared for rejection because she might not be interested.



Machine Man
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06 Jan 2018, 11:35 am

I've asked to hang out several times already, but each time she's backed out at the last moment or not responded. She seemed eager the first few times, though. She says that she's busy or that something came up, and I'm starting to feel like it's become some sort of excuse. I don't know why she would try to avoid me, though. Have I scared her away, or does she think I'm trying to hit on her? Or am I being paranoid? I know that at some point I'm going to have to be upfront with her, but I'm trying to understand the situation as well as possible.



smudge
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06 Jan 2018, 12:35 pm

I wouldn’t talk to her about her eating disorder. You wanting to help her get better is likely to backfire.


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Machine Man
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06 Jan 2018, 6:13 pm

I wasn't planning to be like that. Even I have some tact. It's just that friends help friends.



smudge
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06 Jan 2018, 6:32 pm

You said you wanted to help her get better. How else was that supposed to be interpreted?


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MrsPeel
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07 Jan 2018, 4:42 am

Hey, it's good that machine is trying to help her, its shows he cares.

I think you need to catch her at the right moment, like next time you meet her, try and extend it by asking her to come with you for a walk, or a coffee, or whatever. That way, she doesn't have time to chicken out.



smudge
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07 Jan 2018, 8:13 am

Machine Man wrote:
I've asked to hang out several times already, but each time she's backed out at the last moment or not responded. She seemed eager the first few times, though. She says that she's busy or that something came up, and I'm starting to feel like it's become some sort of excuse. I don't know why she would try to avoid me, though. Have I scared her away, or does she think I'm trying to hit on her? Or am I being paranoid? I know that at some point I'm going to have to be upfront with her, but I'm trying to understand the situation as well as possible.


MrsPeel: I was trying to provide possible reasons for that. Not everybody wants to talk about their disorders, especially sensitive topics like eating disorders, from past experience.


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mjames72
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07 Jan 2018, 3:24 pm

There are many students at my university who have similar interests as me but don't want to be my friend because they think I'm socially awkward and weird. It is the most painful feeling ever knowing you should be able to connect with someone easily but they aren't interested.



Machine Man
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07 Jan 2018, 4:35 pm

@smudge: She's the one who told me. I've had bad mental experiences myself (no eating disorders though), and have known people with eating disorders, but I'm still uncertain how to keep abreast of the topic. I don't want to be callous or watch her hurt herself just because I was ignorant.