Should I reconnect with my aspie ex ?

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We had broken up our unhealthy relationship since late January, we were still kinda friends and he unfriended me everywhere 2 weeks ago after arguing again with me. Just last Sunday, he texted me "I hope you've learned." I didn't respond. And yesterday, he shot me three really short messages saying that he just wanted time away, apparently he wants to talk again as friends. I still miss him and love him, but I'm scared of getting hurt again or hurting him.

Even if you love him and trust him to never hurt you again, I think you're better off forgetting about him. Reconnecting with exes rarely goes well, if ever.

That's been my experience with my 1st girlfriend but it didn't help that I was mentally unstable & she was having problems with drugs & alcohol which caused me to worry about her when we were together & she still had the issues which caused me to still worry.

Are you two still friends?

What were you supposed to have “learned?”

I denote a sense of arrogance in the other person.

We kept having fights & lost contact for good shortly after we reconnected

to control my emotion better and not to go on and on in argument I suppose

That's what I'm afraid in my case... Did you both block each other for good afterwards ?

I don't know if she blocked me but I just deleted her from Yahoo Messenger & we hadn't messaged each other since. This is before social media sites were very popular.

I see...I'm sorry that you had been through that.

By the way, my ex just messaged me again, said "I wanted to tell you something but I think it can wait..", I don't know if I should reply or not since some friend of mine said he did this just to draw my reaction

I don’t like the “looks” of that other person.

In my experience, and a lot of experiences I've had the displeasure of witnessing, some partners out there have a pattern of engineering relationships to be one-sided, where their partners do almost all of the sacrifice and emptional work, and they get away with doing little to none (even though they will act as though they have done plenty, or that you are doing more work because you have some flaw(s), or some garbage like that).

The attitude that you should "control your emotions better" and "stop fighting" is a classic tool of these types to make you feel guilty for having needs and for trying to communicate those needs to him and have them met (or stop having your boundaries violated). Remember that this argument is BS, and keep holding him to what YOU consider a high standard for yourself, how you deserve to be treated. If he can't meet that, say goodbye.

Or better yet, don't go back! These patterns are very persistent, and often lifelong (narcissists, sociopaths, un-treated borderlines)... And if they do change, it's only from them hitting rock bottom and having no other choice. One way to guarantee that they won't change is to go back to them.

For these reasons, my recommendation would be to stay away, don't feed his trolling, ignore him or tell that you're not interested in talking, be super dull about it, however tempting it is to engage, even a little, it's never worth it with these types. It will always turn ugly and suck later. You deserve much better. There are people out there who will treat you well, hard to find but worth the wait and worth the ugly process of sorting through the bad ones.

Not to suggest your ex has a personality disorder (bpd, narc, other), this sort of behavior pattern is often just a cultural thing, or personailty thing, or maybe just defense mechanisms from past hurt. But everything still applies. He's shown himself to be selfish and manipulative in relationships, consciously or not, and is not likely to change anytime soon. And change definitely won't even start if you go back or play back to his trolling.

Thank you for your long replies, much appreciate. I agree that thing would turn back to the cycle again if I go back, and I haven't prepared mentally yet to talk interact with him. I don't know if he had those disorder you mentioned but he does have PTSD, he has also been isolated himself from the outside (dwelt at home) for years, but he has no problems interacting with people online.

By the way what do you mean by "tempting it is to engage"?

Hey, what to meant to say that "however tempting it is to engage, it's never worth it".

For context: I had an ex where we had a relationship that was all about her needs, I didn't understand relationships very well at the time and thought I was just being nice and accommodating, but the more I gave the more she took, and as months progressed I found myself giving every bit of energy I had to try and keep things smooth and happy.
I worked hard to understanding and meet her needs, and argue for my own, all with pretty limited success. A bunch of times we would fight and break up because I didn't want to keep living that life. Yet she would reach out after a breakup and I would engage with her, by that I mean talk with her, debate, argue, whatever things led to. Before talking with her, I would always tell myself that this was it, I wasn't getting back together no matter what she said or did or offered. It seemed so simple. Yet as we would talk, my perspective would shift and it would seem like we really could work through our problems.

It was never true, because it was never more than a few weeks before things were terrible again. But it took me a year of cycling back and forth with her to understand that well enough to stay gone for good.

That was 5 years ago, and since then I've seen several other people in bad relationships go through cycles with a lot of really similar patterns. It's sad, I don't think it's good for either party, but the techniques used to gain control in a relationship have a lotnof similarities. It struck a chord that your ex was framing your expressing emotions and going on about your needs as things you need to learn not to do... WTF? But my ex did that too, and I've seen it in others.

And his comment that he wants to tell you something but it can wait... there is only one reason for him to say that, and it's to get your attention, pique your interest. He's pretending this is a harmless text, what could be wrong with just asking what he's got to say? But you sense that it might not be harmless, and your friend(s) do as well. Because it's not actually harmless to start playing into his game, it's the first step towards giving him control, this text lets him frame the conversation as you chasing an answer from him, he has something you want to know, and he gets to decide what to tell you about his intentions are and what to hide.

The fact that he's trying to make this seem harmless and casual says that he's trying to do something sketchy without triggering red flags for you, because he knows that you are sick of his crap and you want no more of it right now. Yet his attempt to connect here means that he must be missing the needs you were meeting in his life, whether it was fun times and banter and your company, or other needs you were meeting, like giving him attention or physical needs or just being somebody where he could feel a sense of control with. And he wants you to come back and meet those needs, with no regard to your needs or your welfare, of course, just regard for his needs.

He knows, like my ex did, that people's perspectives can shift, especially when exes are involved, and maybe he can catch you at a moment where he can shift your perspective from not wanting anything to do with him to finding him interesting and at least worth engaging with. Being able to shift someone's perspective is a huge form on control, and he's trying to get it back. Then once he's flown in under the radar, pretending to send harmless playful texts, he can escalate from there and eventually (he hopes) shift your perspective a fee more times and eventually get whatever it is he wants.

And it's tempting to go for it, to believe that the first steps are harmless, because we all feel like we can maintain our perspectives and because we all have an inner fantasy about our bad relationships that something in them is worthwhile and can be salvaged, that we can still enjoy some of the fun parts like the banter and just hanging out and keep enough distance to avoid the bad stuff. But in the end it's not true, it's wishful thinking at first, and if we keep doing it, it becomes a lie we tell ourselves. And it's a feeling our exes seem to understand because they will try and convince us it's true, when they want to reconnect. Or sometimes they're just lying to themselves too. But when you give an inch they can't help themselves but take a mile, and the cycle continues.

Wow, another long post. When I get started the dynamics of bad relationship, I'll go on forever and won't stop It miiiiight be a bit of a special interest, as funny as that might sound. Thanks for listening and I hope this stuff helps!

If you argued, there must be a problem and you broke up because of this problem.
For the relationship to continue, probably this problem should be solved.