I got a crush on this girl and then I scared her off. I've tried many times to repair the relationship, to apparent success, but I've realized that she doesn't actually like me, even as a friend. My mom has convinced me that we can't have a relationship of any kind. So I've stopped interacting with her altogether. I don't text her. I don't talk to her. I don't walk up to her. In fact, sometimes I run in the opposite direction whenever I see her, even though I still unintentionally seek her out out of habit. (That's gotten me some weird looks, I imagine, but I'm too busy running to notice.) I hope she appreciates the sacrifice I'm making for her. Not that I have a choice. I'd never choose the option that made her uncomfortable. Her happiness takes priority over mine. I'll find mine again when she leaves for college in five months.
But the thing that I've realized is that everyone in my ward is friends with her. That means I can't be part of anything she's part of. And that sucks. I'm an outcast now because I can't laugh with her friends, even though most of them are my friends too. And I've noticed how animated she is with them. I can't remember the last time I actually made her laugh, and she's never laughed like that with me in all the time we've known each other. Even my brother, who barely knows her, has better chemistry with her. Not only can I not be part of the crowd she hangs out with, but even if I could, I'd be at the bottom of the heap. And it's not like she's the center of attention, either. But it does seem like she's the life of the party. My friends would all truthfully say that I'm the life of the party, but there is a very different energy when she's in the group vs when I'm in it. And now they can't mix. I can still hang out with them and have a good time. But every time she's there, which is more often than not, I have to leave, to preserve her comfort levels. And if I can't leave, she just ignores me. And as long as I don't pipe up-- which I don't, because I've sworn not to interact with her-- they all ignore me too. I can't take it. I break down and silently weep. I have to excuse myself to the bathroom often so they don't notice.
What do I do? I don't know how I'm going to survive five months of this. I feel like crap knowing she gets along better with literally everyone but me, and I've lost my chance to boost my status. And I can't escape it all and forget her. We have Sunday school every week.
23 Apr 2018, 12:23 am
