Eye Contact

Post Reply New Topic

My problems with eye contact tend to be directly related to how threatening I find the person to be looked at. I don't have problems with the female, 7-11 clerk, but the big burly Harley rider who mumbles obscenities under his breath as I walk by is very difficult to look at.

When I was younger, my elementary school teacher apparently used to call me "the peeper" to my parents. She said that when I looked at her, it was if I could see through her. Perhaps my attention was directed her way, but most likely I was simply cultivating my thousand-yard stare.

I've only recently begun noticing that I don't maintain eye contact in conversations. Even when I do look at people, it's still more like looking through them than at them. If I'm having such an intense conversation that it requires some token eye contact, it's likely a topic of some interest to me, so my focus is on the topic, not on the person who happens to be my audience at the time. Even when the other person is talking, I am likely processing their words and formulating my response. I may have looked in the direction of many sets of eyes, but I couldn't for the life of me tell you what color they were, let alone whether any subtle signals might therein be lurking.

I've just recently been learning about Asperger's and read up on it. My sister who's son has been diagnosed said she thought I have it. In reading the info in Wikipedia, I found I have TONS of the symptoms. But I went to a nurse practitioner who specializes in psychiatry this week and she said I couldn't have it because I am too interactively verbal (though we were talking only on subjects related to ME, which is supposed to be pretty natural for Aspies, yes? And I could get going on a windy trail I wanted to finish...) and am good at eye contact. However, I was NOT good at being interactive nor maintaining good eye contact before I started going to group therapy 18 years ago, took a bunch of college classes related to interpersonal relations, read a lot of self-help, and went through many years of individual therapy. And many times I still do not make much eye contact, but I can be capable of doing it very well.
Any thoughts?

This is exactly why I try to avoid eye contact with most people. I've gotten used to making eye contact with people in direct conversation, where it can be useful, but if I'm at a club or event and don't want to engage with those there, it's best to avoid anyone's gaze. If I somehow end up staring down someone who is doing the same to me, an acknowledgment must now be made, and then I'm committed to producing a satisfactory one.

Eye contact?

Don't want it. Don't need it. Don't particularly care.

My mum and I both find we have a hard time understanding what a person says if we don't look into a person eyes, we can hear the words,, but we don't know where to put them in our brain, it's almost like being thought deaf for us.

We've both been accused of trying to see right through to a persons soul, that we're too intense in our focus.

But my dad says if you stare at someone for more than 8 seconds it's considered rude or agressive, but the thing is, I've found if someone looks at me first I have to stare at them until they blink or look away, which ended with me being bullied at secondary school.

We both connected really strongly to a line in Law and Order; Criminal Intent, where a man with AS said that if he stared for a certain length of time he was considered agressive, but if he didn't stare at a person for long enoguh he was considered dishonest.

So it's seems like there's no real answer for those with AS, plenty for those who are NT, I'd love to know the rule book they all got handed at birth, but then if I ever got a chance to borrow it, it would probably not make that much sense, so like I said: No real answers!

Yea, this is a pretty big problem for me. I'll look in their general direction but not at them. Alot of the time I will be looking in a complete other direction. I'll glance at them maybe. But yea, if I really tried to look someone in the eyes they'll probably think I'm some kind of psycho or something.

I look at their clothes, something on their face like their fatness, their mole, whatever they have on their face I can look at. I also look at their body too because they are fat or I like to see how thin or big they are. That gives them eye contact from me.

I am OK with people I know, but I'd kinda prefer not to do it. With people I don't know, I HATE it. I am trying to do it more, and now that I know I have AS, I think I want to try a more systematic way to learn, and keep in mind the possibility that it just might not be for me.

This whole thread has a lot of people talking about pretty complex methodologies to do something NTs never think about for a second. That is a lot of time and stress invested, that people who don't understand will take for granted or cut you down if you don't do it just right. That blows my mind!

If I look at people in the eye, they usually think I'm flirting, which I assure you I'm not.

My eye contact isn't 2 bad but sumtyms i look on the floor as i find it a bit difficult 2 make full eye contact wid sum 1 but overall my eye contact is gud.

good point! How could something so Simple like that be so complex to us apies
it boggles the mind.

Eye contact ...............trembles
I interact all day long with NTs, I love my sunnies best gadget in the Inspector Gadget undercover briefcase of disguise
Second best trick I gaze at the third eye then look at the mouth but not long enough to form any thought about it then back to the third eye- rinse, repeat presto - pseudo eye contact
Works for me unless the conversation becomes intimate then I just run like hell

Oh my goodness, YES!! I do exactly the same thing - I start worrying about how my attempts at making normal eye contact must look to the person I'm talking to, or what I'm going to say next, and before I know it I've completely lost the thread of what they're saying to me. Which, of course, makes things even worse...

same here, looking into other people's eyes should be considered bad manners, only allowed for private situations

I naturally focus on people's MOUTHS ! ! - something I have to battle against as I am sure it must be unsettling for them !

I saw a documentary a couple of years ago about AUTISM ... and they had wired up youngsters so that they could PINPOINT exactly what theie eyes were focussing on .... they were autistic children and when they were shown people's and even teddy bear's photos or movies ... they FOCUSSED on MOUTHS rather than EYES ! !!