No friends or semi-friends, 20 to 50 years trying?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been thinking about this for a bit. I don't know if any of this applies to your situation, but here are some things I have noticed about myself lately.

I tend to function pretty well and come across as normal in short bursts. So long as the interaction doesn't require more than a casual exchange of information, I can present myself as confident, assured, relaxed etc. Talking to the check out clerk at the store or a brief conversation with a neighbor, so long as nothing important is said, can be relatively easy for me. I've learned some "scripts" that I can follow and so long as the conversation doesn't deviate too far from the script, I can manage it well enough.

I also put up an artificial persona with people that I do not like, but have to get along with. I tend to be polite, but a bit cold and distant and I rarely initiate any contact. I try to reveal as little of myself as I can to these people and I doubt they like me. But with the people I do like and feel comfortable with, I am willing to show more of my personality.

The only time I ever feel truly myself is when I am alone. Even with my closest friends, there are parts of my self that I don't express, mostly because it would annoy them. But I do show a fairly wide range of my personality to those I trust. I'll talk about things that I am currently excited about and I'll be honest about my fears or anxieties. With the people I do not like, all they see is a single, neutral personality that gives them almost no idea what I am thinking.

Perhaps I come across as a bit artificial here on WP because I try to be fairly controlled in my writing. Most of what I write is carefully thought out and I obsessively proof read my posts. While I try in inject some humor in my comments, it is usually so dry, I suspect it often goes unnoticed. People occasionally respond positively to my comments. In rarer instances, I get attacked.

But the most common response is no response at all. Maybe that's most people's experience in online social sites so perhaps I am getting as much positive response as one would expect. But my feeling is that most people are vaguely turned off by my somewhat cold and analytical style of writing.

How I express myself here is an artificial picture of myself. But I don't know how to be relaxed and comfortable. When I try to be (when I've had a few glasses of wine) I tend to post things that I fear will get me attacked. Every now and then I'll post a glib statement and then worry that people will take offense and I will be more reviled than before. So I carefully write my posts and try hard to say exactly what I mean, and even still, I can't seem to communicate.

I didn't go to the extremes that you did, but like you, I learned to emulate other people's behavior in order to not be the object of ridicule. I caught myself behaving in a rather artificial way the other day. I was working and a client that I interact with on rare occasions walked in to talk to someone else. I greeted him with a "hey, how are you doing? Good to see you" reaction, but felt my greeting was a bit too happy. My natural tendency would be a slight smile and a hello, but I've learned to over-express friendliness because that's what most people seem to expect and want. The problem for me is that since it is not my natural response, I don't know how to modulate my reaction to fit the specific circumstances.

I could go on and on (and no doubt I will in other posts) but I guess that covers some of what occurs to me from reading your initial post here.

Thank you for taking and interest. Your question happens to be exactly the crux of the problem, in other words you hit the nail on the head.

Oh, and please remember whoever reads this, that I'm not proving to be either correct or incorrect. I realize that we all come from vastly different abilities and backgrounds. Everything I say here, I say only from my own unique experiences, and may or may not be anything like yours. This isn't meant to be taken as advice, only a point of conversation.

1) After being fired from around a dozen jobs, I got a PTSD-type of condition which consisted of developing either short-lived or permanent phobias. For example, I lost the ability to shower, but could still bathe in a tub. I was phobic of looking at myself in a mirror, thus becoming unable to groom my hair and face. I became panicky if I passed a certain licence plate that happened to use my route. I became incapable of opening or looking at any mail, and missed all my bills and cheques for nearly a year.

Because of my pride and the idea my parents imbedded in me that success in life revolves around money, power, fame. I lost my focus and felt like a failure, which those around me were of course kicking me while I was down.

I suddenly had a "Eureka" moment; after all I am trained first of all as a scientist and self-pity feels nasty. I wasn't able to work, I qualified to Disaiblity, which pays me $1,7800 montly and my roommate that brings in $1050. Our house is payed off, no rents or mortgage to pay. There's no taxes taken off disability. We're making a pretty good living here, together. Some poor low paid manual labourer or entry clerk probably has a lower standard of living than us, not working at all. Can I tastefully say that our system is upside-down?

Anyway, I realized that the way success is defined in society now is wrong. The most successful are always philandering, going on drugs, going into mental asylums, etc. How is that success? I'd run away from that kind of success. I'm going to say that I'm successful in being able to be paid simply for studying and learning. I romantically imagine myself the old-style student from the 17' or 1800's. I feel happy thinking of myself as that character, who has had some benefactor or family wealth to study the arts and sciences, while everyone else has to drudge the fields every day.

So I dunno? Am I making any sense?

[quote="jagatai"]
How I express myself here is an artificial picture of myself. But I don't know how to be relaxed and comfortable. When I try to be (when I've had a few glasses of wine) I tend to post things that I fear will get me attacked. Every now and then I'll post a glib statement and then worry that people will take offense and I will be more reviled than before. So I carefully write my posts and try hard to say exactly what I mean, and even still, I can't seem to communicate.[quote]

I'd say your communication is perfectly clear. If they stopped picking on you for your writing style, they'd rip on you for your hairstyle or your shoes. This isn't about you, this is about power issues in their minds making them insecure. You're just a nice easy target, because instead of using the secret rules of verbal attack and defence, you don't have that natural ability.

Your shields are at 10% Sir and failing at the next backstab. You will be assimilated and jailed for the rest of your life to trying to please them. Are they paying you to kowtow or what dude, think about it?! !

I voted the "impossible to tell" and just one friend (for now). I suspect very shortly I will have zero friends, offline that is.

I met with a "professional" the other day who says I tend to telegraph incorrect negative body language constantly, like appearing to be "irritated" when I'm just thinking. That coupled with a completely unexpressive voice leaves people confused an uncomfortable, in all likelihood.

That's something to consider -- when the issue of silent, inexplicable rejection comes up. What messages exactly are you sending out? Would be nice if there were a way to send out better signals, but it seems impossible.

I make distinctions between people, so I can tell the amount of people in these cathegories:
Friends: at the moment, I have 3 friends.
Acquaintances: there are 2 acquaintances with whom I have a good relationship.
People I like: at the moment there are 4 people I like.

It sure would be nice to have even one friend, but I'm sure not going to hold my breathe waiting for it to happen. I don't even have a pet.

Is this a typo? You meant $1,780/month?

Maybe I should get a dog. But I hate the smell. I am afraid I might end up smelling like the dog. I might be allergic to cats. Dogs are more useful.

@Molly

I think I worked with someone like you once.

My first day of work, I made the mistake of smiling back at her when she smiled at me. She then proceeded to bombard me with questions, some personal, some work related over the next few weeks.

I also made the mistake of accepting her Facebook friend invite. I posted about a game called Icy Tower which I played with some other colleagues of mine 10 yrs back. The very next day, she asked me about it and asked me for tips about how to play it. I immediately deleted her from my friends list after this.

As an Aspie myself, I tried to tell the rest of my colleagues that she probably didn't know what she was doing wrong but they did not believe that a woman in her mid twenties could be this way (autism awareness not really strong where I live). I strongly suspected that she had undiagnosed Aspergers. But I couldn't tell her because it's not something you tell to someone (they might take it the wrong way) and because I just did not want to deal with all the questions from her. Eventually I started to ignore her like the rest of my colleagues. As we got more and more staff, the new staff was always warned about her and it degenerated into an openly hostile environment against her.

I left shortly after that for other reasons so I don't know what happened to her after this. I really hope she figures it out for herself because I don't think anyone will tell her what she is doing wrong.

If this sounds like vaguely like what you went through, then probably there are just things that you are doing wrong and no one is telling you what because they do not want to go through the trouble of dealing with the consequences.

I can relate. Apart from my parents, there really isn't anyone I'm close to and there hasn't been for a long time. Romantic love is a luxury not for me and I gave up on relationships years ago after a bad experience. As for friends, I only have semi-friends, nobody I feel I can really confide in. Better than having no social life, but ultimately not very satisfying. I know I will die alone, I know I'll never start a family (which is probably for the best, as I don't think I'd ever be a good parent) and I'm gradually making my peace with it. I tried hard in the past, now I'm almost past caring.

I wish that in the future, when autism awareness is in the workplace, people will at least let me know when I'm doing something wrong. I'm willing to meet them halfway, maybe I can do it properly, given enough time and patience

I am too intense. People may fixate on intense. They may find intense fascinating. But people don't like intense. They like mellow. Easy going. Laid back. Chill.
Synonym obsession.
I have messed up my life. Hurt some really decent guys. My family is awesome though.
So, are you intense?

I voted for the last option.
I have one friend...but i no longer can bet she will continue to remain friend
because she moved out of this colony and now its a long distance friendship

with her i didnt have issues because she was very talkative and never asked me why
i am quite, shy or reserved.
i am a good listener and she found comfort when i heard her issues or her day to day
experiences

I liked the point someone mentioned about ignoring people who ask too many questions
there is a lady in my office too whom everyone ignores and avoids
she asks lots of questions, personal and sometimes meaningless ones also she brags
a lot
i guess its not a common behaviour and so everyone almost ignores or snubs her

i have been bullied, isolated and there had been hostile environment
i have quit many jobs and thrown out of many too
also most of my family, relatives ignore me
for many i dont exsist

my life revolves around myself
i find it hard to maintain my arranged marriage (it lost its charm)
my son finds me irritating i find it difficult to handle his tantrums
colleagues well no one talks with me or bothers to make me a friend
promotion no....i guess im going to be demoted soon
relatives they use me....and then throw me

im getting used to it.

Wow this poll actually makes me feel better about myself because I have zero friends and the poll shows the mass majority here also have no friends!

The following is an old post in this thread (18 Jan 2013). However, the author has been on WP recently, so I will reply below.

I agree that it would have been inappropriate, on the job, to suggest to her that she might have undiagnosed Aspergers. However, is there a reason why you couldn't have said to her something like the following?

"Thanks for being friendly to me. But I would appreciate it very much if you wouldn't ask me so many questions. Would that be okay with you?"

We all hate it when NT's ostracize us without telling us what their problem with us is. Therefore, in my opinion, we all should pledge not to do the same thing to each other, or to anyone we suspect of being a fellow autistic person, or to anyone else for that matter (except in very rare, extraordinarily dangerous circumstances, maybe). Otherwise we are hypocrites to complain about NT behavior.

In my opinion, all of us should learn how to be assertive without being aggressive. Here is one excellent online tutorial, and there are plenty of others. We should learn this not only for each other's sake, but also because it is an essential job skill in many work environments these days.