Correctly interpreting intent

Post Reply New Topic

It's come to my attention time and again from other people that my particular form of autism makes it really hard for me to correctly interpret people's intent. I get a lot of feedback from others, both online and in person, that I have VERY significant problems in this area.

Had another incident this week where I left an Internet forum, and everyone is saying I was misunderstanding their intent. I was pretty sure they were insulting or mocking me, but they insist they weren't. It happened enough that I got frustrated, however, and don't want to return to the forum because it was too challenging to understand all their remarks, and what they meant by them.

I also have a lot of social problems a lot face-to-face, and the deficit goes both ways: not only do I apparently take insults where none were intended, but I also often take people at face value when they're trying to be manipulative! This has happened a lot in direct care and teaching. People will be shocked that I took clients or students at their word when they were clearly trying to manipulate me, but I couldn't tell at the time!

Of course, I also have the infamous sarcasm deficit. Like so many autists, I take sarcasm literally unless the logic makes it obvious that a statement is sarcastic, or the vocal inflection is obvious enough that it's sarcastic. Many times, however, most people deliver sarcasm in a way that it's not obvious enough to me, so I take it literally. Husband has worked a lot with me on this one: I have taken so many of his teasing remarks literally over the years that he now explains each time when I don't understand it correctly.

I've been communicating on the internet since it's been around and intent is often hard to draw from the text of a post, even for non-aspies. It takes me a half hour to write a post because I want my point to be obvious, just for that reason.

It will always be hard to be sure what a stranger's intent might be, but as you get to know people by reading their responses to yourself and others, you can get a handle on it. Just like in real life, it takes time, exposure, and observation to understand a person well enough to draw clear intent from what they write.

You may just want to lurk, read but don't interact, until you get a better handle on the group dynamic and individual participants. It takes some time but it's worth it if you enjoy the subject matter, and/or people involved.

You may also want to go back in a week or two and reread the interactions that you had difficulties interpreting; with some emotional distance from the event. Have the hubby look through it with you and offer his insight, couldn't hurt

Both of your posts are really helpful to me.

I usually rely on the energy I perceive from people, also by how they write. In contact with certain people (mainly when it's about powerposition, hierarchy,Ego) I sense poison in my body and leave if possible.
I think that some people think that their intention is good (and they don't intent to manipulate or harm me or even like me), but for me..if I can sense Ego and because I cannot feel safe with it....it's not comfortable for me.
I don't understand many ways of how people use language and it feels seperating to me (sarcasm). But seeing this and reflecting on what I need and want for myself being in contact, helps.

And the other side is: if I come internally from this fear of abandonement, expecting people to not like me/being interested in me...I tend to interprete their very personal style of expressing themselves as manipulative/rejecting/bored/disrespectful...
So when this happens I have to wake up and if I do, their responses appear totally "neutral" towards me. Just their way of expressing themselves.

So for me it's about discernment arising from observing myself and MY intentions. Listening to the body but not relying on old defense mechanisms based on my bad experiences.

Written tongue in cheek. Language the root of all evil . More importantly listen to your gut feelings.
Have decided , #1 am trusting noone .. then let your aquaintaince build from there . If you decide that they maybe worthy of your time . Then go back to #1 , and start over .
Based on approx .60 yrs experience as a aspie . 50 of then not being dxed. Best wishes to you on this topic .

I have this problem too, always confused whether someone meant something in a 'nice' way, or if it was a veiled put-down. (Probably because it's my family's way, to be passive-aggressive like that.)

When in doubt, I strive to accept that either scenario could be true. If they meant it nicely, fantastic. If they were being condescending - okay, that's their choice, not mine. As for me, I strive to be polite.

I value kindness over 'cleverness', so as long as I do my best to be kind, it's okay that others win the 'cleverness' battle.

(Not that I always succeed at kindness either, but I do try. I seem to have the schizoid trait of being both personally sensitive, and cold toward others, which is not exactly a winning combination!)

This always makes me not trust people.

Have found that my retracting from situations ,was best for me when stressed .
Having written that , if you are older than 18 yrs old ,and a aspie . You are so far ahead of the curve on your possible lifespan .That you may consider yourself quite capable at survival . NTs dont get this.

In dealing with others . Your experiences , your opinions are just as valid as next ones .
Sarcasm does not transmit well over the net ,, hard for aspies even in person . Tendencies to take things literally , have found is most common in AS peeps . Am now responding as i read or feel .
And trying to keep emotions outta what i read. This literal ability can be used to ones advantage.
Having literally read something can write it back to sarcastic people as how someone might see their writings in a literal sense . Often has the appearance of making sarcastic person appear mean .
Its not my intention to get back at anyone . Just letting room see how things might be misunderstood. And if in polite conversation , it can appear as though you are just having fun with language . Generally well taken by native english speakers. Save emotions for the private messages if you can . Have used emoticons as expressions in room convos. So can express but not say. Lolz
" IF IT DOES NOT SERVE YOU" phrase is something to try to keep in mind , especially dealing with ones own insecurities . Or also worded " HOW DOES THIS SERVE ME" good for self analysis .
On small scale internally looked at , kindness serves me , feels good to be nice . Meaness causes me to wonder if am good person . If you keep these in mind and apply them to you ..and your intentions.
You might feel strong in yourself after some practice . Allow you to be you ? If others precieve your words incorrectly allow them to be able to ask you about intent . Apologizing for a misunderstanding is never a bad thing . THE WORDS WRITTEN HERE ARE MERELY A PRECEPTION OF ONES PERSONS OBSERVATIONS.

^ Good advice, Jakki. I find I feel best about myself if I have managed to be compassionate and respectful, yet 'assertive' in the sense of being true to my own thoughts, feelings, and values.

Not always easy, but something I'm making an effort to get better at.

I have a hard time with sarcasm. I tend to wipe my slate clean each day. I do not judge the intentions of strangers (people I have not interacted with before) but take them at face value. But after interactions, I evaluate the truth of the matter and remember those who mislead me along the way and I remember that is one of their characteristics in future interactions.

I would categorize this as "building trust".

I used to be married. My now ex-husband was perplexed at how I'd sometimes immediately laugh at his jokes and how sometimes it would sail so completely over my head. I'd feel so stupid when it finally dawned on me! He'd look at me with bemusement and say "Sometimes, I wonder..."

I had a tiny handful of friends in college. Mostly guys, even though I am a straight woman. For some reason, these friendships eventually fell apart. Still, it was pleasant while it lasted. At least I wasn't completely alone in those years.

My ex-husband was perplexed at how Friend #1 would instantly understand a really obvious joke but Friend#2...it would sail so completely over his head. My ex-husband would say "Uh, is there something wrong with that guy? Does he have a mental illness or retardation or something? Cause your other guy friend got it right away!"

I now understand that either really getting jokes or really not getting them is a symptom of ASD and that both Friend #1 and Friend #2 were probably on the spectrum themselves. As was possibly my ex-husband, too.

Just thought to add this .. sorry, but found words often used as weapons . With people your not too familar with, mostly various types of people . Rely ln manipUlation tbrough words . Some make aliving at it .. typically , mostly my own experience , do take words at face value. Its mind numbing to be anaylzing intent vs content. So if you suspect even remotely . That someone might even be manipulating words . Always direct questions . The more the better. If you cannot , think of a question , question the obvious. Vocabulary is my strong point .. and if am feeling well . Cwn weild it very well,
People do not engage me much , am not good at small talk . And am using words commonally
That are not commonslly used in english , that are much more exacting . Unfortunately for me people do not like to talk to people that they do not have a common vocabulary with .SIGHES .
back to words as weapons ,, sarcasm can be the last resort of the failed wit.
But if you can apply silly with sarcasm . It makes for Entertainment. .. which can even bring a smiles to people you never met. Especially if your comment is on the obvious things right in front of people .

When something could have possibility for misunderstanding , even if obvious , ask the question .
Even reword the obvious ,, its a helpful habit to develop . Feedback till no doubts . If they become uncomfortable ..with what your trying to suss out .. then you may have a persons whose intents may not be to your benefit..
Sorrry to say this out loud but am a horror to people in chatrooms . That are meanies . No claims of great abilities in written word , but do get my points across , 10 yrs in a single chatroom site never banned .. have best holidays you can