Help me improve writing style?

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I posted about experience of going out drinking here
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=381126&p=8355580#p8355580

After reading it, I thinking I might be squeezing in too much information into each sentence so its difficult to read?
Any other critiques?

I'm not satisfied with the way I write and feel like I'm missing something that makes it easier to read/more compelling?

Any help would be gladly appreciated.

Read more Hemingway. His stories were concise. He rarely rambled. Good luck.

Thanks fnord, it seems like that would help.

Well, I don't think there was a problem with your sentences, but it was quite hard to get the gist of what you were saying.
Maybe you could make your general point up front, and then the reader would understand that the other sentences are explaining that point in more detail?
Like with technical reports or papers, we always put an executive summary or abstract at the start, to give the reader the gist, before going into details?

The Basics of Writing:

1) Set the scene. Use the character's senses.

"He woke to the smell of fresh coffee."

2) Show, don't tell. Again, use the character's senses.

"The place where she had slept was still warm."

3) Short sentences -- Subject-Verb-Object.

"He smiled at the memory of the night before."

4) Use common, yet descriptive language (grammar, punctuation, and spelling count).

"He rolled out of bed and fumbled for his robe."

What can be surmised from this domestic scene? So far, we have a man who just woke up. The woman in the kitchen is already awake and preparing breakfast. They have a pleasant relationship, as it is obvious they spent the night in the same bed. They are likely middle-class people -- no servants to prepare meals or help them dress. No sign of children, so it may be safe to assume at this point that they are either in their 20s (no kids yet) or 50-plus (kids are grown up).

In four short sentences, we have established two characters, their approximate ages, and something of the relationship between them. Further sentences should give some clues as to their level of income, their means of making that income, and further clues as to their ages and appearances.

Let's assume they're both college graduates, that it is Saturday morning in the northern English countryside during the current year. What would the main character's senses tell him about his surroundings? Remember, you (the writer) are not just telling a story, but you are taking the reader on a journey through the experiences of the main character.

Thanks for that example it was pretty good.

I have a bad habit of telling instead of showing/describing. I keep talking to people in a way which insults their intelligence,I can't help it, I don't know how i picked up that habit.

I think the principles you talked about apply to most forms of communication.

I'm not sure if your last question rhetorical but it could be that the main character hears his wife on the phone or listening to a vlog on YouTube.