Why do I keep attracting such selfish friends?

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I'm feeling sooooo sh***y right now. My cat has been severely ill all week and I lost a friend today.

I have always really struggled to make friends and in the rare cases that I do, they always turn out to be incredibly selfish and need to have everything on their terms. I know that "selfish" is a word that people like to throw around a lot, but in the case of these folks, I think they were objectively selfish. I can't think of any other word that can honestly describe them.

I fell out with my best friend last summer. To make a long story short, we went road-tripping together and she had no concern whatsoever for all the hard work I was doing driving us around safely. She was just pissed that the vacation wasn't as fun as she had imagined and resentful that she had to help me navigate the GPS, because she felt like she shouldn't have to spend the whole trip looking at her phone.

After that whole debacle, I was really eager to go out and try to make new friends. I knew it would be difficult, because it's always been hard to find people willing to hang out with me. I knew that developing another best friend would not be easy, and my expectations were super low. I met a few people at events who I thought I had rapport with, but after I tried to reach out to them via text, they all ghosted.

Eventually I met a woman at a party who I really hit it off with. We totally clicked and we were like best girlfriends almost instantly. She's 45 and I'm 30, but the age difference felt invisible. Over the past 4 months, we were texting and talking on the phone almost every day. In October, we made plans to hang out, but I had to cancel because my cat had a medical emergency (he needed to get his stomach cut open) and required me to provide constant intensive care for the next few weeks. Then, I went back to visit my family in California for the holiday seasons and we continued to keep in touch. In California, my cat healed from his surgery and I told her I would love to get together once I was back in town. She told me of a dinner party she was throwing on Saturday and I said I couldn't wait to come.

On the way home from the airport, my cat had yet ANOTHER medical emergency. He developed a serious allergy attack in the taxi cab and has been struggling to breathe ever since. He had to get oxygen therapy at the vet and I have had to monitor him very carefully to make sure he stays alive while I am waiting for him new oxygen kit to arrive in the mail. If his breathing starts to get out of control, I will have to rush him to the vet's office again for more oxygen treatment. I explained to her that I couldn't come over for dinner because she lives over 2 hours away from me and I can't leave my cat alone for that long while he is having these respiratory difficulties.

Her response was that she would no longer make plans to hang out with me again, because my cat has chronic health problems and she doesn't want to keep getting cancelled on. She said that it was disingenuous of me to say yes to hanging out with her when I know my cat has health problems that could come up. I explained that these were both emergency medical situations unrelated to each other, that I had no way of predicting in advance. She expressed that I'm too self-involved and too preoccupied with my cat to have any consideration for other people and their plans. According to her, my cat nearly dying is a "good reason" to cancel, but "people always have good reasons" and "maybe you were never actually free to begin with." I told her that it was very unreasonable to ask me to place her dinner party over my deathly ill cat. And I asked her how she would feel if she was the one who had health problems, and her friends announced that they would no longer make plans to hang out with her because she might have an emergency and not be able to attend. She said, "how dare you compare me with an animal! That is disgusting and offensive and don't ever do it again."

Animals are a responsibility. When you adopt a cat, you are making a commitment to provide for them and take care of them when they get very sick. I can't comprehend anyone not having respect for that.

These are just the two most recent examples but almost every friend I have ever made has been like this. Why???? What is wrong with me???? Why don't decent people ever want to spend any time with me???

ALL organisms are "selfish".
Blame the evolutionary process.

Focusing on the other person usually takes effort.
Some can do it...
Most can't...

Nobody said the Truth has to be pretty.

To SummerAndSmoke:

I agree, pets are a responsibility. I can certainly understand prioritizing a pet's health emergencies over social plans.

At the same time, I can ALSO understand your friend's irritation about being canceled on repeatedly.

Here is my suggestion, given your cat's chronic health problems:

Instead of trying just to make individual friends, I would suggest trying to form a very small informal social group that is focused on some specific common interest. Instead of making plans to see each other in-person individually, you could make plans to go together, as a small group, to larger events pertaining to the group's common interest. That way, if someone has to cancel, the rest of the group still has something to do that is worthwhile in its own right.

Once the group gets big enough, at least 3 regulars plus at least 2 or 3 semi-regulars, it could then start holding its own small gatherings at a restaurant or diner -- NOT at members' houses. If you are NOT holding a party at someone's house, then there is far less reason for anyone to take anyone else's absence personally, in the event that someone has to cancel.

One-on-one interaction would still happen among the people in the proposed group too, but would be mostly confined to online chats and/or phone calls. That way, no one is inconvenienced.

What are your hobbies/interests, by the way?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 13 Jan 2023, 4:40 am, edited 2 times in total.

It would help a lot if more people could learn conflict resolutions skills, such as how to be assertive without being aggressive. It would also help if more people were committed to resolving conflicts with their friends.

Too many people in today's world are prone to what I call fragile friendship syndrome. Too many people seem to assume that a friendship should be perfectly smooth sailing, and will dump their friends as soon as they hit a bump in the road.

This wasn't a one-on-one hangout. This was a small dinner party which was not in any way dependent on my attendance in order to happen. Yet she still begrudged me my cat's health needs. The idea that a dinner party could be more important than my cat's life is nothing short of sickening.

I do understand how annoying it is when someone cancels multiple times (been on the receiving end of that myself). But if you can't provide compassion and empathy to someone when they are in a crisis, you are NOT a friend.

people > animals

Other factors being equal, yes. But, in this case, other factors were not equal. Aren't life-threatening health crises, whether of people or of beloved animals, more urgent matters than a dinner party?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 13 Jan 2023, 8:11 am, edited 3 times in total.

I agree, she should have expressed much more compassion regarding your cat.

But I have a question: Did she really say (1) that you should give her dinner party priority over your cat's health crisis? Or did she just say, on the other hand, (2) that you shouldn't be making social plans in the first place, as long as you have a cat with a chronic health condition that makes you highly likely to need to cancel plans?

Based on what you said in your first post, I got the impression that she was saying item #2 above, but that you interpreted it (perhaps incorrectly?) as item #1. I notice that you mentioned only item #2 in your paraphrase of what she herself said, and that you mentioned item #1 only in your paraphrase of your own response to her.

Anyhow, I agree with you that a dinner party can go on without one of the guests. Nevertheless, when a dinner party takes place at someone's home, some hosts do take cancellations very personally. So, in my reply, I suggested some other types of plans that could be made with less risk of annoying people in the event that one person needs to cancel.

Hi. What you expressed in your writing was that you have a pattern of choosing your pet's needs over your friend's. And that you cancel plans haphazardly perhaps. We live in a culture that is beginning to worship pets again (as many cultures have previously done, think Egyptians and their cats) so just take caution that you are not committing idolatry, which is the worse sin of all. The bible only speaks about animals in an animal husbandry/possession way or an idolatrous way, neither of which elevate an animal to man's status. And neither should we.

I read your post and I am so sorry that the second woman treated you like a piece of trash because you couldn't make a couple of events. Regardless of how old she is, you sound like you are more mature. For example, her guilt-tripping you with rejection because she didn't get her way is pretty childish. Anyone who dumps you like that is also probably pretty controlling as well. Beyond that, she is probably very insecure.

While it hurt, it sounds like you are probably better off because she's a person with low qualities and sadly, there are lots of people like that out there. As for not one wanting to hang out with you, don't take it personally, there are lots of people who don't care about anyone.

Hi Miss Mary:
I can see that your perspective is the right one and that you wholeheartedly believe that. However, I accept your faulty perceptions of other people.

Hi, Summer, I am sorry if you were offended by something I said. <3 I am sensitive too......so I understand how you may have misconstrued what I said. I think if you go back and slowly read what I wrote, you would see that I was not assigning a judgment about the OP, but suggesting she consider her behavior in light of the knowledge that people are more important than animals.

Being offended? None taken. However, you like to hear yourself talk don't you?

As for SummerandSmoke, she is other, isn't she? On the other hand, you were well aware that this is a public forum with lots of other points of view right? Therefore, we can agree to disagree. Last but not least, SummerandSmoke gets to have her own opinion about herself.

I didn't cancel because my cat was chronically unwell in general and I'd rather dote on my cat than go to someone's party. These were 2 isolated emergencies (completely unrelated to each other, health-wise) that both unfortunately coincided with social plans. That doesn't equate to being "highly likely to need to cancel plans." If my cat had these types of events every single day, there is no way in hell that I could continue to take care of him because the vet bills would quickly grow to be beyond my means. I already spent most of my savings on that surgery. I was in California for 8 weeks, during which time my cat was perfectly fine and I made plenty of plans to see people. I explained all of this to her. But she chose to go into full diva mode, melodramatically insisting that because of these two outings that I missed out on with her, he is BOUND to have life-threatening emergencies continually, therefore we can no longer hang out together.

A friend had cancer awhile back and during recovery, he often cancelled his plans with me. Not because he was constantly having medical emergencies at the drop of a hat, but because he simply wasn't feeling well that day. Never ONCE did I think of telling him that I wouldn't try to see him anymore because I didn't like being cancelled on. I said, "if you can make it to see a movie with me, great. If your stomach isn't feeling good this morning and you need to stay home, that's ok too. Let me know what I can do to help you during this difficult time." The whole point of friendship is that you are supposed to support each other when bad things happen in life. If a friend is going through a really rough time and all you can think about is how annoying it is that they can't keep their plans with you, that is the epitome of selfish douchebaggery.

Last edited by SummerAndSmoke on 13 Jan 2023, 11:41 am, edited 4 times in total.

Hi. I am not sure what 'she is other' means, if you want to clarify.

Okay. I understand you each have your own opinion and stuff. But for me to invest, I need to know who is who. Because while I love everyone, I am more picky about who I invest in. Does that make sense? Like. I really don't want to invest my time/energy in random strangers on the internet? I realize others might like guessing games, but I really don't have time for that.

Miss Mary,

I accept that this is how you feel and I’m happy to consider your wishes and preferences, and we at wrong planet would like the same from you.