When is an apology selfish?

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I came across a thread on Reddit earlier that prompted this. It was from a former bully who kept trying to apologize to one of their victims, and didn't seem to accept that they wanted nothing to do with him.
He was told by pretty much everyone that he shouldn't have even apologized in the first place - that such actions were only meant to make HIM feel better, not the person he had upset. I found this strange. Surely there's nothing wrong with an initial apology to acknowledge you've done something wrong?

I'm an anxious person. And I probably apologize far more than I should. Even if someone doesn't accept it/me afterwards, I always think it's important for them to know that anything I did to upset them wasn't intentional, or simply that I had been stupid and said the wrong thing. I've always thought it the best way to move forward in any situation, either with each other or without.
Where's the line between that kind of apology, and one that's "selfish"? Have you ever given/received a "selfish-apology"?

When a person says, "I am sorry you feel that way" instead of saying "I am sorry I made you feel that way".

Or "I am sorry you got hurt" instead of "I am sorry I hurt you".

These are examples of selfish people refusing to acknowledge their part in the injuries they caused, which is an essential part of a compassionate and sincere apology.

I would think the 12 step guideline could be useful: make amends (to those you’ve wronged) except when to do so would injure them or others.

When you've unintentionally upset people, sometimes whatever you say afterwards won't make them happy.

What you do: Try not to mention it again and move on
What they think: Oh he's acting like it never happened

What you do: Apologise and admit you did wrong
What they think: Oh he's trying to emotionally manipulate us into feeling bad for him

What you do: Express guilt or shame
What they think: Oh he's playing the victim

What you do: Admit you were an as*hole
What they think: Oh he's being all proud about it, like he's bragging

That does indeed sound strange to me too.

The person he apologized to was under no obligation to accept the apology, and in that case he should not have persisted but should have just left the person alone as soon as it was clear that that was what the person wanted.

But I certainly do NOT think it was wrong for him to apologize in the first place.

Maybe there was something wrong with the way he worded his initial apology? In that case, I would have to see the original apology to have any idea what the issue might have been.


I agree.


My idea of a "selfish" apology -- but probably NOT what was meant in the thread you've described -- is when someone uses their own apology as an excuse to avoid any further discussion of the issue at hand, including any discussion of how they could make amends or prevent the situation from happening again.

Hi RacoKula:
Yes, people do apologize for selfish reasons when they get caught but they are not truly sorry for what they did. Really, saying sorry means that you come to terms with what you did and try your best to improve your actions. However, these kinds of people are more prone to apologize when caught but keep mistreating others.

For example, I had someone who was not a good friend to me. For example, he originally invited a large group of us to go and see a movie with him for his birthday, which only lasted one day. Then the next day, he canceled the invite and then called me on a later date and told me that he had a smaller gathering with 10 people. Sadly, I was not re-invited. His excuse? He didn't want to be too overwhelmed as he also has autism. So when I called him out, he started crying. "I'm sorry, have I been a good friend?" Well no, he has no problem being flaky.

Then I have had people apologize to me for not being a good friend to me while also implying how self-absorbed they really are.

For example, I was dumped and betrayed by a fake friend and I was very hurt because she deceived me. After I attempted to tell her that my aunt died, who she also used, I called her out for not acknowledging her death and not being grateful for what my aunt did to help her.

She had the nerve to send me a sympathy card with a letter. In it, she apologized for the way she had been acting and for not being a good friend to me. Her reasons? She went off on a long tangent about how she was too busy wallowing in self-pity and how she was trying to make improvements in her life.

I guess it is, sometimes.

Its kind of matter of interpretation.
I think it is really about the two people, and whether the relationship has any meaning after the apology.
Apologies are just words anyway.
Its not that easy to tell when and where they are a thing.
I don't really have many people apologizing to me, so I don't know, but generally when someone apologizes I take it face value, ergo its hard to assume its fake. Partly because its not possible to tell whether the apology is real or not. Only time can tell.

If the motivation of the apologiser was mainly to improve their own public image or avoid punishment rather than to genuinely express remorse, that would be a selfish apology.

I have watched a movie called "Odd Girl Out" on Youtube where the main character, who was receiving the bullying confronted who she thought was her best friend. When in reality, she was bullying her indirectly by having other mean girls do the work for her. Her reaction was, "Ok, I am sorry for whatever I have done to you. (Then telling the other person with clenched teeth quietly) Let's not do this ok."

Looking back through the comments, someone pointed out that she didn't remember what she did but was only apologizing so she could make herself feel better.

i mentioned this to a friend and she made a good point. in the initial thread, by apologizing so many times the OP was demanding forgiveness, or at least not giving up until they got it.
i definitely agree that people have no obligation to accept apologies. still can't really understand why the first one was bad, but as someone said that depends on how they apologized/ if they acknowledged the damage they had done to their victim properly. and i suppose things like abuse/bullying (continually harming someone on purpose) can't 100% qualify for an apology.

Some people apologize out of obligation because they know the other person(s) so they can get themselves off the hook when they don't mean it.