I want to learn flirting

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Hi!
I have problems with communicating to women that I find attractive.
Even if I do get their numbers by being kind, a couple of days later I get those intensive feelings and just can’t stop thinking about the person. It develops to some kind of forced thoughts about them. And eventually that affects my ability to communicate as it makes me write wrong messages.

Example 1> Two days after getting a girls numbers I got so intensive in my thoughts and feelings that I literally wrote her a message that I had sexual desires and wanted to start a relationship with her. Yes she blocked me.
Example 2> I got a girls numbers and we decided to talk a walk on the weekend. During this time I bought her two presents and wrapped them myself, went to the barber and got handsome. She texted me ‘Can we meet tomorrow instead ?’ And I got so angry and wrote to her how sad I’ve become and that we should meet today etc. Yes she blocked me.
Example 3> A girl told me on our first phone call, how important religion is for her and I countered like a boxing match that I’m autistic and don’t like religion at all, which she couldn’t accept. I even said I was anti theist and disgusted religion. That is not the best way to express myself. Yes she blocked me.


I have two more examples but the point is clear.
All those mistakes can make me stronger, please help me learn!

It sounds like your problem is less not understanding flirting and more getting emotionally invested very quickly, a trait you have in common with serial killers. That doesn't make you a serial killer, but it also doesn't make you not a serial killer, from the other person's perspective. At a minimum, it suggests you are setting very high expectations that will lead to negative feelings when the person inevitably fails to meet them. This is going to spook people more than any awkwardness around flirting.

This is going to go badly for you until you figure out how to calm down, avoid setting unrealistic expectations, and be engaged and interested without being demanding or presumptuous. Then you will enjoyable to be around, which is a perquisite for anything more than that, and maybe even 'feel safe.' Someone who gets angry about a minor scheduling conflict is not enjoyable to be around and makes you wonder what other bad stuff might be in store.

BTW, I relate to getting overly invested to some extent. For me, I realized I needed to find more ways to meet my emotional needs outside a romantic relationship.

^^^
Pretty much nailed it.
Nothing seems to turn women off like desperation.
Once you truly accept that you're NOT getting laid before next year you will suddenly appear safer.
You might extract something useful from my second post in Perversity

Nothing seems to turn  women  people off like desperation.

There.  Fixed it for you.

Not so sure of the gender symmetry of desperation.

OP lists gender as female but also writes "went to the barber and got handsome." I think a woman trying to meet other women is a different dynamic than a man trying to meet up with women, so I wonder about this, is Op is a man or woman, or nonbinary. But I agree with previous advice that the OP needs to find ways to chill out and not have such high expectations right from the start, though they seem to know this already.

Hi Latimeria!
Yes, it is this intense feeling that gets invested and even setting high expectations. I overthink the whole situation and analyse to much which makes me desperate. Often a few days later all those mentioned just disappear and life goes on as usual.
So if I to say was a serial killer, is it really a fact that they get those intense feelings? Could you tell me any sources to this statement so that I could perhaps learn more please.
Being demanding I’ve never heard before. One thing that I thought about is if this actually is some kind of Insecure Attachment formed in childhood?
When she rescheduled I just lost all trust to her, got anxious that she was leaving me and couldn’t see the truth.

I agree, emotional investment is something that should not be overlooked.


Hi Carbonhalo!
I actually didn’t even get upset of sex, more that I was thinking this could be a future wife. Sure it seems like desperation and it really isn’t fun being like that…

Hi bee33!
I am a man with 27 years of age, so very interested in learning to flirt


My solution is this: every time I get emotionally disrupted, or even if trust disappears, I will take a white towel break and just give up for the moment. Ride off the feeling. I will avoid setting any expectations: I.e that this woman will be my wife. Also avoid being desperate (which idk how atm).

Thank you so much for all this wonderful advice and support!

Well then desperation is the root cause of my behaviour? Is it a total mix of serial killer intensive feelings, high expectations and desperation? I agree that desperation occur… This is a clue for further improvement.

I don't know you well enough to form an opinion on your behaviour; and, even if I did, it would not be the opinion of an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional.

But I do understand that flirting requires: (1) confidence, (2) patience, and (3) a well-developed sense of humour.

Do you have these traits?

Yes you’re actually right because it is very difficult to know the root cause of a behaviour, even for a licensed professional, which I’m about to see luckily soon!

In the flirting field, I am confident very much in my appearance which is to say my body and how handsome I find myself. That is because I am in no means ugly. Worth mentioning is that weight lifting have helped me look even better.
I do not possess patience in my communication, especially when feelings are overwhelming me and getting intensive. My sense of humour is not at all developed as it could have been.

So of those points I only have confidence, which I recently got since I’ve had anxiety in social environments and anhedonia.

Flirting is I would suggest more than your three points since you haven’t included (4) what to say, how to say it, body language and what not to say.
Thanks for participating in this discussion!

Well, this is what I get for bringing up serial killers. Serial killers are not, shall we say, my special interest and I don't want to dig up a lot of sources. I am basing this on a popular book called the "The Gift of Fear", so if the book is wrong then I am wrong. The book argues that people who engage in acts of violence are similar to the rest of us besides their propensity to use violence, which they often learned in childhood by experiencing violence and internalizing it as justified (as not everyone who experiences violence in childhood does).

It's safe to say serial killers have additional traits not in common with you, but having strong emotions about their target is one of them. The murders are a way for them to try to establish control and regain their sense of dignity they feel was taken away. You can probably see the parallels here, except you don't feel violence is justified as a response, but a stranger doesn't know that about you.



For me, discrimination and lack of friends growing up paired with living with a very critical parent was enough for me to get intense abandonment fears that sabotaged any relationships I attempted. What helped me was actually doing Buddhist silent meditation with a group of Buddhists, which lessened my sense of feeling alone. I haven't attempted relationships since then, but I am getting to the point I am considering trying again when I am living in a less conservative area.



You are really going straight to the wife fantasies, lol. Realistically, you should expect things to not work out with new people. You are probably not a good fit for each other and, if that is the case, your goal should be to find that out quickly and maybe have a pleasant conversation. If you do seem like a good fit for each other, being excited or enjoying seeing them is okay, but more than that early on will be overwhelming.

So why then are you making such an insulting remark? Judging from that I wouldn't trust you as an expert on flirting, to say the least.

I think I explained how I thought it was relevant in the post you're quoting from. If you think I didn't, I'd suggest rereading it, then letting me know which parts are unclear if you still aren't sure. Otherwise, everyone can feel free to disregard the post if it is unhelpful.

In terms of it being insulting, I can say my intent isn't to insult. If you are interested in women, we are forced to worry about violence. Men are physically stronger and men who are violent often target women for sexual crimes. Most of us will be thinking about this on some level with any man, especially if there is possible sexual interest in us and we do not know the person well. Rather than it being an insult for someone to be worrying about this with you, it is more that it would be a compliment if you felt safe to someone in a context where there is normally some degree of risk.

Of course, there is a whole range of harmful behavior one would also want to avoid that falls short of serial killing, but it's not a bad first bar to clear. Doing so in the ways I described would mean people are less worried about lesser dangers as well.

As for flirting, I explicitly didn't talk about it, as I don't believe it to be OP's true problem. I will not make any claims to be an expert in it. A lot of what people read as flirting is normal friendly behavior (eg, relaxed body language, being interested and asking questions about the person, laughing at jokes, etc), which I suspect OP is already capable of if they can be more calm and in the moment.

Anything in particular I may have done beyond that is probably less relevant to OP and, since I am very strange, I would be surprised if anyone here wanted to know about it.