Friend has AS, don't know what to do

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I'm near 30, and one of my best friends that I've known for over 5 years has AS -- I'm 99% sure. I love him as a friend, but he holds up a wall that he won't let anyone, including me, his best friend, get through. I invite him out with my friends, but he only wants to do things one-on-one.

I can't talk to him about AS, because he shuts down anytime I get too personal with him. This is what frustrates me. I want him to know that I care about him, as is, and he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not with me. How do I go about this?

My friends who've met him like him -- he's a funny, smart guy -- but they think he's odd because he doesn't make eye contact and seems to not want to not want to associate with them, just me. Any guidance on being a good friend with an aspie is greatly appreciated!

As you may have gathered from other posts, this is very common among aspies. I do it myself, though I don't understand myself why. I want to mingle, but I instinctually prefer one person in company.



Why must you talk to him about AS? It's wonderful that you have such love for your friend that you seek out information on his behalf. It doesn't sound as if he's receptive, though. And a closed ear hears nothing, though you shout the roof off.

Many aspies would rather not know their true state. It's a wicked blow to find out in mid-life that you are neurologically peculiar, autistic, socially ret*d, and, shall we say, damaged goods. I did, and I don't mind telling you I cried for a long time, and it had been a long time since I had cried, so much does it take to make me cry. It destroys decades of false self-views. It's a huge loss, even though it's the truth.



I advise, set a good example by being yourself, be content, and wait. Continue to love him as he stands, with his ignorance, walls, and false fronts. Keep your counsel close. At some point, he may well seek out the source of his own peculiarities, and his open ear will be pleased to hear your studied views. If not, don't worry. He'll be like virtually every other fellow on this earth, who cannot fully plumb his own depths, though his friend sees them plainly.

Wow.

I'm in the exact same situation as you except I'm on the other side.
I'm a self Dx'd Aspie as of late last year.
I've been aware of my differences for a while but couldnl't really look at them because nothing made any sense because I always compared myself to those in the NT (Neuro-typical) world and I'd always get down on myself because I'd get more confused, anxious, crazy the more I looked at me because I'm not like others.

Then I heard about the Autism spectum, and my friend has dropped hints that he has a facination with Autism,.... and then I found AS.

AS fits me like nothing ever has before and I can finally look at myself without beating myself up.

My walls never come down. They never have. I suspect they never will....in person at least.

I do want to tell him of whats going on with me but the only way I'm capable of doing that is in written form (e-mail)
But then if I do that, he'll know everything about me, and I'll be to vulnerable.....the slightest mention of anything related to what I've writen spoken to my face it would shut me down or send me into a frenzy. And I don't think it's fair for me to dump that on him and then apply all these conditons on what's acceptable and whats off limits and such.

So I don't know what to do.


I'd take Groovy Druid's advice and just be patient or accept him as he is now.

Thanks for the advice. Patience is the key here then. Groovy, you bring up some great points -- I'm wondering now if he even knows he's an aspie or not -- I just assumed he did.

Lurker, my friend says he doesn't like to get too personal with people because he feels "vulnerbale," just like you were saying. I'm hoping that will change over time as our friendship grows.

One other question: Is living a "double life" a symptom of AS? That may not be the best way to describe this. An example of this: I've known my friend for over 5 years but he tells me that he is one year older than he really is. There have been a few other things -- all minor things -- that he has lied about and sticks with when confronted. On these things, I've only confronted him once but quickly backed off because he became defensive (and hates confrontation), and they were subjects that really didn't effect our friendship -- I just thought they were strange things to lie about.

Thanks again for your inputs!

Be patient. He accepts you as a friend. He'll come through sometime, as he'll realize eventually it's something like a secret he can't hold back.

Hi,

I have asperger myself, and I too prefer to be in company of one person. If a friend wants to go out to a place with many people, it feels as if I'm not good enough. I'm good at social interaction when one on one, and enjoy that a lot. But in groups I have trouble. I also feel comfortable if with multiple people that I all know well though, but sometimes it gets annoying or even boring for me and I leave.

However I have learned to make eye contact and, unlike in the past, I like talking about my own feelings a lot and need people to talk about it. The eye contact thing has no meaning for you, aspies often don't make eye contact, and that's because they're aspie, not because they don't like you.

That you can't get through to his personal self, hmm, I don't know why that is. Aspies don't like it, but I do, but I admit I had troubles with it in the past too. What does he enjoy to talk about? Try to have good times, and maybe he too will open up one day.

Lying or living in a fantasy reality is not specific to AS, but it does come up for aspies, too.

The key to understanding this lies in the concomitant pains of a strongly atypical life. Many, many aspies have constant physical and emotional pain in their lives. As with many people who have such pain, they tend to take on other "valences," or personalities, as a way to appease this pain they can't explain: "If I'm not me, maybe I won't get hurt." It's an escape. After a while, they no longer experience the clean, excited feeling of dealing in realities and truths. I don't know, but I suspect your friend may have something like this.

Sounds like you're right. Honestly, part of it is my problem -- I feel like a big brother to him in some ways and I guess I want to be the "hero", the one that helps him break down those walls. But when I think about that, that's really selfish, because I'm doing it more for my peace of mind than his.

Thanks again for all of the advice. It helps to just hear other aspies talk about this since I can't talk to him about it.

I've been in this exact same situation. And if dragon2fire was still posting here, he could corroborate that, because he's the friend in question. For more than a year, our communication was strictly online because there was no way in hell I could have managed it in person. Eventually I was able to be honest enough to tell him why. And he didn't think it was unfair in the slightest... he was nothing but supportive.

I don't think it's expecting too much to apply conditions on what's acceptable and what's not, because the friend has plenty of conditions too (try cuddling up to a same sex heterosexual friend on a couch and see if they do or don't have conditions on what boundaries can be crossed! ).. the friend's conditions just happen to be more mainstream. Friendship's about give and take between equals, and so long as neither person asks something the other's not willing to give, unconventional requests can work perfectly well. And some people actually consider them a benefit, not a flaw... dragon2fire's a psych student and uses me as practice for dealing with potential clients, for example.

I know that getting shut down or completely freaking out when doing this stuff in person is a real issue. When dragon and I did start experimenting with communicating in person, we planned it far in advance and did it very slowly... the first time I went to his place "as myself" he went so far as to keep the lights down low, sit with his back turned, never acknowledge my presence, so that I could desensitize myself a step at a time. And this wasn't anything I forced on him... half of it were his own suggestions. He considered it part of being a good friend, the same way I'd accepted and helped him out without question when he'd come to me with bizarre requests in the past.

Well said.

OK, after spending time with my aspie friend tonight, I figured out what bothers me the most: the lying (as discussed previosuly). For example, I have a friend that saw my aspie friend at his store the other day, but my aspie friend totally denies that he was there. It's no big deal, but he was there and there's no reason to lie about that.

I guess I'm just really wishing that I can make those walls come down faster.

I've gotten caught up in lies at times myself. Mostly I did it as a way to avoid talking about something that was uncomfortable. I've gone away from that sort of thing for the most part. I certainly understand why it would make you uneasy.

As for the rest - I'm not sure what you expect to find when the "walls" come down. Keep in mind that he is fundamentally different from most other people - for him to make normal eye contact with everyone wouldn't mean the real him has come out. It would mean he's putting on a guise to make you more comfortable. Same with going out with you and your friends on social outings. He may simply not have any desire to engage in that type of activity and if he did it, it would be to humor you. Personally, I despise "hanging out" with friends. I'll do it in short bursts to help keep the friends happy but I derive little if any pleasure from it. I tend to focus my socialization around some type of activity - building something, playing a game, etc.

If you try to push him into behaving in a way he doesn't feel comfortable, such as going out with people he doesn't want to be around, talking about personal issues he doesn't want to, etc, it may just push him further away. Just stick to finding mutually enjoyable activities and if he wants to talk, he'll talk.

I think it's great that you have sorted out that you have an agenda and viewpoint about his behavior (the hero thing) and that certain aspects of your aspie friend's behavior bother you (lying).

Speaking both as a human being and as an aspie, I recommend frankness with your friend. Look at it this way:

You say you don't like him lying, and I agree with that. But what happens when he does something that makes you uncomfortable, but you smile and don't tell him you're bothered? Isn't that a sort of ... lie? Not the same thing, I know. But the point is, this whole thing is a vicious circle. Pretty soon, neither of you is being honest about your true feelings. At that point, you have no real relationship.

I recommend you forget about the wall crumbling. Jump the dam*ed wall. If he lies and you don't feel right about it, be honest with yourself that you don't like it, and be honest with him that you want to know what's going on. You owe it to both of you. He's an aspie: not a victim, a child, a mental ret*d, or someone who needs to be saved or sheltered. In fact, aspies are known for appreciating straight talk.

It takes some courage. Who knows what will happen? The absolute worst is that you'll lose a friend. But really, if you're here talking to us about his lying rather than to him, you've already lost him and are trying to get him back, aren't you?

Be the first one to stop the withholding of true feelings. You needn't be unkind, and you needn't evaluate him ("You're an aspie!", "You don't open up to me enough!" "You're a liar."). But you DO need to express yourself to him on matters that directly affect you. ("I know you're not telling me the truth, and I'm confused and saddened by it, because I like you and want to be friends.")

NT or aspie, friendships have to be built on honesty, or there's no real friendship there. You owe it to the both of you to hash that out.

Well, I did it. He opened up a little bit to me last night and we talked -- not as deeply as I would have liked. We were talking about romantic relationship troubles he's going through. Like I said, we didn't get too deep into it, but deeper than we normally get. So when I got home, I sent him an email expanding on the conversation, gave him some advice and said some really good things about him (he's a great catch and deserves the best).

Now, as expected, I have not received a reply, and I know from history that if I haven't received one yet, then I probably won't. Also, if history serves right, I probably won't hear from him for a few days (we usually talk everyday) and when I finally do, it'd be like that e-mail never happened and the topic won't be discussed again.

So maybe I didn't tear down the wall, but I chipped away at it more. But did I do more harm than good? I'm afraid I caused him even more anxiety.

I understand that you're trying very hard to be kind to your friend, and it's wonderful. What you say about fearing for his anxiety makes me suspect you've got some traces of Savior Syndrome, though. There are three kinds of business: your business, the other guy's business, and God's business. I won't say for sure, but I suspect you are WAY over the DMZ and into his business with your worries. This isn't a big crime, and lots of people--for good reasons--want to be in their friend's business. But it absorbs your time and energy with his baggage, especially when he hasn't specifically asked you to come into his business, and it does no good, because uninvited meddling fails, and 100% of the time.

I would say, make sure you're in your own business. You are a friend, and you owe friendship, nothing more. That usually includes honesty, good will, and companionship. It's your business to give those. It's also your business whether you're happy with the friendship. That's why you owe it to yourself and to the friendship to openly question things that make you uncomfortable, like lying. Are there other things as well? You have every right to question those, too. "My friend, the fact that you never go out with more than one person bothers me something fierce. Also, the fact that you can't manage a woman. It must change, or I'll have to stop seeing you, even though I like you very much." This is your business. But trying to fix him through the back door, trying to make him change so that he'll be someone you can really be comfortable with ... that's out of your business.You are deceiving youself and him. Accept him, be honest with him, or move the heck on.

That's all Dr. Phil has to say at this time.

Druid, you are so right. Thanks for the advice. I'm just going to sit back and be a friend, that's all I can do.