Should or shouldn't "be yourself" if you're on the

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* A. S. autistic spectrum.


We have all heard the phrase, "Just be yourself."

However, it is becoming more and more apparent that that was said by a person who wasn't on the AS, for people who aren't on the AS. I think.

What I'm noticing that "myself" is annoying, creepy, and generally unable to get along with. I tried to be myself all out my freshman year of college and... well, I had to leave because in the end no one would talk to me. People would see me and just walk away.

Now, a year after dropping out of college, I am desperately trying to make friends with no results. People who have sympathy tell me that I have to "be myself," but I already know where that leads?

What's people's take on this?

The best thing indeed is to be yourself-in theory, but it simply doesn't work in reality. In practice people don't believe in the story of ''being yourself'', they want you to be just like them. I'd love to be able to be myself, but people don't like that, they want everyone and everything to be predictable and the same. And than saying aspies are rigid.

People who say that probably don't know how you ehave when you are being yourself, or maybe they do, but they are very open-minded. Unfortunately most people aren't and when you want them to like you, you hav to adjust.

"Be yourself" means don't try to be something to impress someone. Be genuine. If people don't like you, then you aren't for them.

I will agree the words can be misleading because be careful who you say it to, if you say it to a jerk, then you are basically telling him or her to be a jerk because it's the way they are. But at least the person will see who they are and if they don't like it, that person isn't for them.

This is a really good question. Over the years I've come to believe that I could be myself only with a very small group of people, including a couple of friends and my kids. Everyone else did not really like the me that was behind the facade or role I used to play. In college I just stayed by myself a lot and was a good enough student that other "odd" people helped me through the system. In jobs that I had I basically copied the behaviorof the most socially adept person I worked with. If I interacted with lots of people I would collapse at the end of the day, exhausted. When I act like me--talk to myself, make no eye contact, complain about noise, stay focused on the computer, refuse to go to parties, etc. --in other words, act like an Aspie--people seem annoyed. The truth is painful.

There's a line from a song I heard recently that really struck me as amazing advice for me personally - 'Control yourself, take only what you need from it', seems a whole lot more useful to me in social situations than 'be yourself' ever did and as has been noted 'be yourself' doesn't actually mean 'be yourself' it just means stop doing what you're doing now and try something different.

I wish i could be myself and be accepted. I tried it, and it doesn't work. This is more NT oriented psychobabble.

When a neurotypical says just 'be yourself' it is not meaning that and is therefore contradicting him/herself when in fact he /she wants you to act like one yourself. This is so annoying to me when someone said this to me when I was younger. When you do this which for us Aspergians neurotypicals don't like it and complain about us being irritating. Just shows that when a neurotypical is saying just be yourself he or she is talking gibberish.

Sorry gang, I think this is a lot of pointless whining. The people worth knowing (and they are few indeed) will like you for the person you are. The rest can go rot. Why are you obsessed with pleasing and impressing people with whom you have nothing in common?

The 'in' crowd will screw you over every time - stop standing at the fence and pining over the color of the grass, trust me, if you get it, you'll only find you don't really want it, 'cause it isn't worth having.

Being yourself may very well mean being by yourself, most of the time.

There are far worse things in life than being alone. Like being lied to, cheated, ridiculed, abused or dumped - all things than can only happen when you interact with humans. Count your friggin' blessings.

Good luck with that.

Just keep trying and keep up your hopes and count your blessings (meant in an entirely atheistic way). A lot of social encounters are disappointing, even when they first seem promising.

People generally advise someone to just "be themself" when (a) they think anxiety might be the problem or (b) they think the person should stop worrying over not having friends/being socially rejected and just get on with their lives. It's often a lazy reply or given by someone who doesn't know you very well--if you're ACTUALLY suffering from social isolation and that RESULTED from acting in a way that comes naturally, there's a problem.

Have you met other lonely "freaks" in your area (aspie, mentally ill, transgendered, disabled, and of course poets or any other people who tend to get socially rejected)? Someone who faces stigma and social difficulties is likely to be more tolerant--even if you are being yourself.

One way to interpret the phrase "be yourself" could be more along the lines of "be true to yourself"--that is, recognize your need for social contact, your challenges, and try to learn about the social situations to be more successful. Of course, you're already trying to do that and have been for a while. All I can say is that you can and will find people who actually like you and aren't bothered by your oddness or who like you a lot and are patient enough to put up with anything that bothers you and to try to communicate to you what you're doing so that you don't drive them off by continuing a behavior that comes naturally to you but isn't taken well by them. But, really, the best shot at socializing is with people who don't mind you being yourself.

Do you know what specific things you do that people react to negatively? Maybe people here can help you sort out what things you can change to have a better shot at getting friends.

I have loved, in various ways, many people with ASD--and I'm not related to any of them. I know it's hard to be alone and it's hard to stop being alone when you have ASD, but it's not permanent. I can't give you any specific advice, other than find the freaks and rejects. It takes a while to build up a good store of them, but it's well worth the patience.

Be careful, I find the self styled freaks and rejects will do you over too. I guess it's just a matter of finding out what will/will not get you ostracised through trial and error. Unless you happen to stumble on people who aren't bothered by your self.

Good luck, I struggle with this too.

Well, a lot of the time counter-culture people have their own in-group and culture and are obsessed with doing the right things to have a higher social status, too. I do agree that, in general, it's just about finding the people who aren't like that, but they seem to be more highly represented among groups of people who suffer from discrimination and isolation. Some of those haven't recovered enough from the hatred/violence directed to them by society, and others form a tightly-knit subculture that might be even more exclusive than the society outcasting them, but others are very accepting.

And sometimes people fighting for acceptance (I'm thinking the LGBT activists here in Salt Lake City, and also NAMI) are very, very invested in inclusivity and acceptance and will extend it to other groups--and the bonus is that they're easy to locate because they're a cause and so have meetings and organizations and such. /shrugs

But, yeah, it's hard, and the vast majority people aren't going to want to be your friend--and that holds for everyone, but true social difficulties make it worse. But going from, say, a 1 in 15 chance of any particular person you meet wanting to hang out with you to a 1 in 75 just means you have to keep trying, not that you'll be unsuccessful over the long term.

ETA: Thanks for pointing that out, though. It's one of those things I've thoroughly accepted as "how the world works, regrettably" to the point where I gloss over it mentally, which isn't a great thing when I'm giving my thoughts on the topic.

Certainly be yourself, this covers what you like, your opinions, the things you find funny, what makes you angry, the things you can see that others can't (not in an esp way, I mean existentially), your history .etc

What you need to do is work on how you communicate yourself, don't compromise any of the above. To do this you need to think about all of the things above within the personalities of the person/people you are talking to and find the places where they harmonise with your own personality.

After this you just need to work on the mechanics, such as how much to talk, how much to laugh, when to leave a topic, if you are AS this can be the problem area. Just let someone else take the lead and talk about something that contributes to what they are talking about, but you can use your own personality (paste the first paragraph I wrote here) to achieve this. This doesn't mean that every conversation will be about or in the control of the person you are talking to, imagine that you are both contributing to some kind of construction, each adding layers and parts to make something more than either of you could do alone.

**edit** It takes me about three months to work out how to do this with every new person/group unless it's a situation where i know how to react (like work), so no rush!

be your best self.