A Question To Aspies age 30 and up

Post Reply New Topic

I am currently 18 and my social skills incrementally improve each year. But I am wondering. By the time that I enter my 20's, 30's, or 40's, would I start to become socially normal as if I never had Aspergers to begin with?

It depends on the person. Some people can continue having extreme social problems in their 50's, others can downright "grow out" of it in their 20s.

I'm 41 and when a person first meets me, I pass for normal. I've learned LOTS of compensations. However, my NT BF now is pointing out my literal thinking, rigid thinking, etc. and to him my autism is completely obvious. He just knows me better.

Nope, because the NT's around you are also changing. If your like me you will be about ten years behind everyone else.

I would agree, it does depend upon the person.

I feel that I can mask my autistic tendencies better as I get older. but on the other hand I am still learning how I stick out and what the problems are that I do have. As an example, I have realized over the last few years that I pick up on social skills one at a time through a situational basis. While this has caused some nasty and akward situations over the years, it is how I learn what is socially appropriate and inappropriate.

In some ways I am better than I was at your age, in some ways I am actually worse. So it is really dependent on the individual and the large swath of life you have yet to live until that point. Even beyond your primary growth years, life can change you in unexpected ways, particularly with focused effort.

if you wish to do so, you may 'fake' normality in many ways. Some autistics learn the little NT mannerisms and can mimic enough to continue the implied impression that everyone is 'normal'. Depending on how good mimic or actor you are you can deflect those who would peer into our behaviour too far by learning humor or charm. I have found professional efficiency to be an acceptable mask for public or work, as long as you can either meet their eyes now and then (look at the bridge of their nose) or take your gaze off their eyes (my personal issue) after a few seconds.

Think of it as learning another language. When we learn another language we also learn another culture, another way of thinking, actually, so we can express ourselves. I have found it is the same thing when integrating ourselves into the NT culture. Be 'bi-cultural' if you will

Merle

I just be myself and I don't worry about what the normals think.

I cant read social cues anymore than a wheelchair user can walk up a flight of stairs. It has always been this way for me, and I have never understood them very well at all. But I think my PET scan shows why I cannot do it, although I do try my best. I just tend to zig when others socially zag, and there is not much I can do about it to effectively communicate other than only communicate thru a computer screen (remove ALL the non-verbal parts of the communication). Otherwise, appx. 93 % of the communication goes not-understood by both sides, since Autistics can neither "read" nor use most non-verbal communication very well, especially savants. That's just how our neurology is.

Thusly, conforming to neurotypicals' idea of "normal" (conventional) social structures is not possible for someone with my neurology. On the other hand, it is also what makes me unique. (For example, my artwork)

~Equiis

It depends on the person, I suppose. I'm 31 and don't feel like I've improved much at all.

Though I don't quite meet age 30 by 1.5 years, I feel that I've become more-or-less normal, socially. I'm still a little awkward compared to my friends, I think, but not by terribly much, anymore. I feel this was possible due to lots of exposure to lots of different social situations, as well as a period of introspection, followed by focused self-improvement in the social arena.
That said, my AS appears perhaps milder than others'.
Although, I also wonder: Have the experiences in my life contributed to my AS symptoms becoming 'quieter'? Have I 'grown out of' some of it? If I lacked the social support in my 20s, an the period of focused self-improvement, how much different would I be? It's hard to say.

Teens - sore thumb getting hammered

20s-40s - gradually getting by more easily, partly because passing better, partly through moving into more welcoming environments. This is when I met most Aspies I know, also sidling through the holes in the fence.

50s- present : I am slowly loosening up, not trying so hard to pass. I yam what I yam: honi soit qui mal y pense.

If only people realized how exausting it is for us (me anyway) to fake normality.
As far as growing out of it, that's not something that will happen to me. As I grow older, the difference in how old I am emotionally becomes more apparant. I am 37 but emotionally I think I am in my 20s.

You'll be able to pass off as normal, but you'll always feel like an outsider. Of course, I think most people... even most "NTs" as you guys call them, feel that way as well.

But they don't have a label to define them

A fair point, but I need to nitpick: If you become successful enough, socially, you don't feel so much as an outsider as you feel... just different. And awkward. If you're successful enough, then you receive regular inclusion and appreciation, which kinda precludes a strong feeling of being an outsider. You're running with 'the pack,' you're with them, but yeah, you kinda lag near the back. But you're still with them.
At least in my experience.

I don't say that with all too much disappointment or regret - I worked hard to get where I am, and it's better than where I was. And I'm basically happy enough with the results. It could be better, but that would be merely icing on the cake.

So to reiterate: Outsider? Not necessarily. Awkward? Pretty much always.

This is my situation exactly (well, +9 months ). My emotional development seems to have plateaued years ago. The NTs around me kept going.