How does AS affect friendship?
I've been posting on another board about friendship troubles I have, and have been getting some quite harsh 'you are stuffing it up' replies. I think part of it is that they don't understand how Aspergers might affect the situation.
I was hoping to post something along the lines of 'aspergers means that in friendships...' with a list, but I'm not sure exactly what to say. Can anybody suggest anything?
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If you don't believe in dragons it is curiously true, that the dragons you disparage choose to not believe in you.
It makes things... lets just say interesting
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I have very few close friends, due in large part to my social awkwardness. Most of my friends are merely acquaintances; the kind that you would say "hello" to whenever you pass them in the halls and with whom you'd have a short small-talk session.
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What fresh hell is this?
CockneyRebel
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poopylungstuffing
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same here....
For most people I seem "not worth the trouble"
As others have said, i have a few close friends who have been around for a long time...
There come along people to whom I seem "Interesting" and then they try to make the effort to be my friend and maybe might succeed after a while...or rub me the wrong way so I end up fearing and avoiding them....because I do not entirely understand them or their motives, and/or doubt that they understand me...or they may continue to over and over again illustrate that they have not "gotten" where I am coming from...
I can be very nonreciprocal, unless motivated to be so...but then if motivates, I might alienate them by coming off as overly greagarious... and make a fool of myself...and then they avoid me..
My newest obsession...since my moderate recent mental breakdown has been "attempting to communicate"...but I still can only go so far.
In attempting to communicate...I mean that whenever it is necc. to introduce a new person into my "space" I feel the need to give them a disclaimer so that they know how to interact with me, and visa versa
I am part-owner, and help run a couple of businesses. I recently had to hire some help because I am overwhelmed and overloaded...I put an ad out on facebook asking for help, and to the one person who responded who did not know I was "spectrumy", I was compelled to issue them a giant disclaimer about how difficult it might be to get along with me if they did not understand me. This would a. either allow them to understand me...or b. illustrate that perhaps the job might be more trouble than it's worth...
My version of an interview had to be figuring out whether or not they could learn to understand/get along/ work with me...and in doing so, it turns out that she was "willing to accept the challenge" and thus far, we have gotten along great...and I can actually be a good "boss" to people who are able to "get" me...and not some "evil weirdo tyrant" as I may seem to my "employees" who are scared of me.
I might seem a tad bit "crazier" than I did back when you were acquainted with me because my life is a whole lot more complicated and stressful and things have sorta been "seeping out the edges" lately for me. It may not have seemed so when you knew me, but I am a little bit "touched" with the mild Autism...plus quite severe ADD....(pardon the use of labels, but I don't know how else to describe)...I have communication weirdnesses and space issues and odd hangups that might not make sense to anyone but me....despite all this, I currently help run two businesses: Super Happy Fun Land and also an online Herbal Business Mazatec Garden....Things here are a complete and chaotic mess and I need help with organizing...my friend Shane, who is suffering from all kindsa health issues and needs some extra $$ has been hired on a flexible part-time basis to assist in organizing the tornado of paperwork so we can eventually get our finances into some reasonable semblance of order.....bur there is still a whole lot of day-to- day cleaning and organizing that needs to be done, and in the past, people have been hired to help me, but because I did not go through the proper protocol of acquainting myself with them, I was unable to properly communicate with them and so working around each-other ended up being very stressful and uncomfortable because we were (i guess) mutually intimidated by each other...so she went to work at the other place...so she didn't have to be around me....(Mazatec processing/packaging)..and while some people have been nicely voluntarily doing some of the cleaning...there is still a tornado of other stuff that needs to be done....so it is more than just simple "office work" and even for the fabulous lavish $9 an hour, it may be more trouble than it is worth.
BUT....it is better than nothing, and we are somewhat flexible, and if you think that you might be able to handle dealing with me and my horrible quirks, and think that I might be able to be comfortable around you and communicate with you, then we could give it a try...
To illustrate the extent of my personelle-interaction issues, we've had a lady-person who has generously volunteered her time as the bartender for Super Happy Fun Land during the overflow fest...she has been doing this work for free...but she overstepped one of my personal boundaries to an extent that it violated my trust and so currently, for the time being, I am no longer able to speak to her and don't want to be anywhere around her because I am now scared of her...and want to stick my fingers in my ears when she tries to talk to me...(a loverly feature of my Autism-ness)
She is a really great bartender and technically did not do anything wrong..and since she is a plucky little thing I fortunately have not scared her away yet...because we really need the help...but she is now a source of stress...and so I have not been comfortable leaving the "back area" of Super Happy Fun Land while she is around...but I am sort of working on patching things up, and hopefully might succeed...I just have to explain a bit more to her about how I work so hopefully she won't do it again.
Part of my Autism-ness is that I have very bad "theory of mind"...I have bad instincts when it comes to understand how other people are thinking...so I need very clear honest and literal communication
from people...one does not necc need to walk on eggshells around me or talk to me like I am a kindergartner, but I do need assistance in knowing what people are really thinking, because it does not always come automatically to me.
A person who works with me ought to hopefully not take it too personally if I sometimes have a fit or react in an unexpected way
So I probably told you way more than you'd want to know..but the job is more than simple office work. It will consist of a variety of tasks and part of the job is the delicate art of knowing how to get along with me. I am also willing to learn how to work with "my assistant's" personal quirks....most especially if I am able to know what they are in advance....
I belong more in a nut-house really than I do helping run 2-3 businesses...but life gives you lemons....blah blah blah...
Other than that....hours are somewhat flexible...10-11ish till...whenever....Mon-Fri...occasional evening hours are often available....we might seem very flakey...but we pay cash daily
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http://www.youtube.com/user/MsPuppetrina
http://www.youtube.com/poopylungstuffing
http://www.superhappyfunland.com
"Ifthefoolwouldpersistinhisfolly,hewouldbecomewise"
For most people I seem "not worth the trouble"
As others have said, i have a few close friends who have been around for a long time...
There come along people to whom I seem "Interesting" and then they try to make the effort to be my friend and maybe might succeed after a while...or rub me the wrong way so I end up fearing and avoiding them....because I do not entirely understand them or their motives, and/or doubt that they understand me...or they may continue to over and over again illustrate that they have not "gotten" where I am coming from...
I can be very nonreciprocal, unless motivated to be so...but then if motivates, I might alienate them by coming off as overly greagarious... and make a fool of myself...and then they avoid me..
My newest obsession...since my moderate recent mental breakdown has been "attempting to communicate"...but I still can only go so far.
In attempting to communicate...I mean that whenever it is necc. to introduce a new person into my "space" I feel the need to give them a disclaimer so that they know how to interact with me, and visa versa
I am part-owner, and help run a couple of businesses. I recently had to hire some help because I am overwhelmed and overloaded...I put an ad out on facebook asking for help, and to the one person who responded who did not know I was "spectrumy", I was compelled to issue them a giant disclaimer about how difficult it might be to get along with me if they did not understand me. This would a. either allow them to understand me...or b. illustrate that perhaps the job might be more trouble than it's worth...
My version of an interview had to be figuring out whether or not they could learn to understand/get along/ work with me...and in doing so, it turns out that she was "willing to accept the challenge" and thus far, we have gotten along great...and I can actually be a good "boss" to people who are able to "get" me...and not some "evil weirdo tyrant" as I may seem to my "employees" who are scared of me.
I might seem a tad bit "crazier" than I did back when you were acquainted with me because my life is a whole lot more complicated and stressful and things have sorta been "seeping out the edges" lately for me. It may not have seemed so when you knew me, but I am a little bit "touched" with the mild Autism...plus quite severe ADD....(pardon the use of labels, but I don't know how else to describe)...I have communication weirdnesses and space issues and odd hangups that might not make sense to anyone but me....despite all this, I currently help run two businesses: Super Happy Fun Land and also an online Herbal Business Mazatec Garden....Things here are a complete and chaotic mess and I need help with organizing...my friend Shane, who is suffering from all kindsa health issues and needs some extra $$ has been hired on a flexible part-time basis to assist in organizing the tornado of paperwork so we can eventually get our finances into some reasonable semblance of order.....bur there is still a whole lot of day-to- day cleaning and organizing that needs to be done, and in the past, people have been hired to help me, but because I did not go through the proper protocol of acquainting myself with them, I was unable to properly communicate with them and so working around each-other ended up being very stressful and uncomfortable because we were (i guess) mutually intimidated by each other...so she went to work at the other place...so she didn't have to be around me....(Mazatec processing/packaging)..and while some people have been nicely voluntarily doing some of the cleaning...there is still a tornado of other stuff that needs to be done....so it is more than just simple "office work" and even for the fabulous lavish $9 an hour, it may be more trouble than it is worth.
BUT....it is better than nothing, and we are somewhat flexible, and if you think that you might be able to handle dealing with me and my horrible quirks, and think that I might be able to be comfortable around you and communicate with you, then we could give it a try...
To illustrate the extent of my personelle-interaction issues, we've had a lady-person who has generously volunteered her time as the bartender for Super Happy Fun Land during the overflow fest...she has been doing this work for free...but she overstepped one of my personal boundaries to an extent that it violated my trust and so currently, for the time being, I am no longer able to speak to her and don't want to be anywhere around her because I am now scared of her...and want to stick my fingers in my ears when she tries to talk to me...(a loverly feature of my Autism-ness)
She is a really great bartender and technically did not do anything wrong..and since she is a plucky little thing I fortunately have not scared her away yet...because we really need the help...but she is now a source of stress...and so I have not been comfortable leaving the "back area" of Super Happy Fun Land while she is around...but I am sort of working on patching things up, and hopefully might succeed...I just have to explain a bit more to her about how I work so hopefully she won't do it again.
Part of my Autism-ness is that I have very bad "theory of mind"...I have bad instincts when it comes to understand how other people are thinking...so I need very clear honest and literal communication
from people...one does not necc need to walk on eggshells around me or talk to me like I am a kindergartner, but I do need assistance in knowing what people are really thinking, because it does not always come automatically to me.
A person who works with me ought to hopefully not take it too personally if I sometimes have a fit or react in an unexpected way
So I probably told you way more than you'd want to know..but the job is more than simple office work. It will consist of a variety of tasks and part of the job is the delicate art of knowing how to get along with me. I am also willing to learn how to work with "my assistant's" personal quirks....most especially if I am able to know what they are in advance....
I belong more in a nut-house really than I do helping run 2-3 businesses...but life gives you lemons....blah blah blah...
Other than that....hours are somewhat flexible...10-11ish till...whenever....Mon-Fri...occasional evening hours are often available....we might seem very flakey...but we pay cash daily
I would like to come work for you.
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Darth Vader. Cool.
My best friend the only person I really trust is my wife. It's been hard for me to make additional friends though I try. I feel like no matter what I do I just rub people the wrong way. Sometimes I do rub people in a bad way, but I feel like even when I am not doing anything wrong I just don't fit. Neither do I really want to fit. I'm sort of addicted to feeling different. So, I'm working on not giving a s**t unless I have done something really bad.
ValMikeSmith
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I have a few friends-for-life, which such deep bonds that I know them as much
as myself and I am not aware of deeper relationships except between
identical twins. I am too shy to make friends so the initial attraction is usually
the manifestation of a common special interest OR the natural and true
ability of someone to be friendly with everyone including myself.
I am very easy to get along with if you are a nice and friendly person.
I do not start fights and avoid people who do, even if fighting is NORMAL.
I am not a fool or pushover. Non Sequitur.
In a perfect world, there would be no enemies and therefore no fights.
It's quite complex isn't it? It means people often fall out with us because of misunderstandings. It means we often can't keep up with them, or they with us, in one way or another. We tend to miss all their secret little signs, and fail to give out our own. I'll keep thinking on this, and maybe return.
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CockneyRebel
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Well, with me I feel like I can't spend enough time with them because I get exhausted by a lot of social interaction. They could say one thing that seems innocent to them that could set me off. I find they sometimes say offensive things without realising it. Then there's the whole sarcastic teasing thing. It's just so stressful being around them sometimes.
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poopylungstuffing
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I have found that it is helping for me more and more...I am getting older...I can't just keep fearing and avoiding people....or letting people cross my boundaries, because they don't understand how my boundaries work and their importance..I need some kind of friendship...I can't just be completely dependent on just the very few people who I have known forever who totally "get" me...I was really hurt by someone who claimed to "get" me...but illustrated that either they really did not..or they simply did and didn't care and/or were even willing to use it against me....
I have a really hard time being around people who make me uncomfortable...and so on....
So...yes...I am finding disclaimers to be helpful....in my long rambly post about hiring a person to work for me...that would be similar to what I would have to express to someone who, for whatever reason wanted to be my friend.
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http://www.youtube.com/user/MsPuppetrina
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http://www.superhappyfunland.com
"Ifthefoolwouldpersistinhisfolly,hewouldbecomewise"
I have terrible difficulties with friendships. At the current time, I have my immediate family and a guy I send funny links to over instant messenger and that's about it. Most of my friends from high school just drifted away. One of them stuck around until I got really drunk one night and disclosed a really painful incident that I'd never told anyone about. I guess it must have come out wrong, as though I was bragging or something, because she said something like ".. and I used to think you were a good person," and made herself scarce soon afterward.
I am so thankful for the internet. I'm so much better at writing than at face to face conversation. As a matter of fact, I met my husband online. For me, it's difficult to meet new people right now, and it's twice as hard for me to connect with women, for some reason. I think NT women seem to have a whole other layer of complexity to their interactions. They also tend to like really ridiculous television shows and oftentimes are so catty and backstabby that I avoid them.