Being friends with people much older than you?

Post Reply New Topic

I generally prefer to have older friends, but being a young teenager, most, if not all, adults do not want to be associated with such young people as they believe they will not be able to have the same relationship or conversations. This is the exact reason I prefer to have older friends! Adults generally are much more mature and one can actually have a vaguely intelligent conversation without me having to explain and analyse what was just said as I find I do frequently with people my own age.

Now, here is the question - how do I explain this to a 29 year-old, award-winning writer, who has a PhD in English and is extremely, extremely clever. She lives with her boyfriend, used to lecture at the university and has taught at our school for a brief period of time (just under a month) while our normal teacher was off on sick leave.

We both share a great amount of interest in the same subjects and hobbies, have similar view on life and have the same social, uh, preferences.
But, as you might have noticed thus far, due to her age and the circumstances under which we met, a normal friendship would not be appropriate. We have spoken out of the class environment and have got along well, I think. A few books she no longer needed were also given to me, books that I was very grateful for. She has given me her email address and I have exchanged one or two messages with her regarding a book I am looking for that she knows about.

I do not know how to explain this to her and how to ask her if we could keep in contact. Any suggestions?
Oh, sorry about the long, rambling explanation, but I was trying to give the full picture. Thanks!

How old are you? I don't think it would bother a man dating someone younger as it would a woman. I don't know this for sure.

I've always made friends with older people. I've felt they've been more sympathetic, but not always. The longest relationship I've had was with a 40 year old, and I was 23. The age difference never really bothered us, and he looked like he was in his 30s.

I've found when I've dated older guys that they can still be very immature. And with older people, conversation is only more interesting if they're intelligent in the first place and have added knowledge as they've got older.

From about 12 to 17, my only friends were adults.

I suggest broaching the subject of friendship in the context of "mentoring" and explaining something of what you shared here (i.e. that you want the opportunity to have mature/intellectual discussions with someone who shares your interests, and find that your age-peers either aren't interested or aren't able to have those kinds of discussions with you).

Unless this person is subject to official policies regarding any/all out-of-school contact with former students, I don't think there would be anything inappropriate about a mentoring relationship.

Hmm, I misunderstood.

Hmmm...
Mentoring would work, but how would one broach that topic? I do not want to scare her off. She has also mentioned to me that she is not very social AT ALL, so very cautious as to what I say. I don't know when I will see her again, if ever, but if I do I will definitely try ask her. Thanks so much!

Does my husband count? He is ten years older than me.

My ex was 18 years older than me. He was an aspie too but things didn't work well between us so we split up when he had to move out of his apartment and I didn't feel comfortable staying at his parents apartment with him so I lived with my aunt and uncle. Then I decided that month I wanted to break up with him. But us agreeing that we both aren't compatible for each other as we were moving out was the break up my mom told me.

But I never liked limiting ages. It only has to depend on the person.

It is good to see that there are people out there who don't feel limited by age, the question is how does one explain that to someone without upsetting them or pushing them further away? I am terrified of doing the latter as this person really brilliant and I would like to keep in contact with her. I don't know how to explain that just because I am literally just under half her age does not mean she has to censor her conversations with me or treat me differently. I understand she may not want to talk to me, but I am struggling to find a way to get my point across effectively. I need her to understand that the person she has taught at school is not my normal self, I am a lot more mature and less excitable. (I find that being my normal, lonely self that prefers not to speak to anyone makes my life hell. Hence, I smile and talk to everyone with a fake accent that is common in our area to blend in.)

Oh, there seems to be confusion - I do not want to date her, only have her as a friend. Sorry, bad communication on my part. Thanks for the posts!

It sounds perfectly OK, as long as the older person doesn't have a hidden agenda of some kind.

Alright, how do I tell her though?
Maybe if everyone could respond how they personally would feel if someone under half your age who previously had been hiding her true personality explained why she had not revealed her real self, then asked to be friends. How would you feel, honestly and truthfully?

Also, any suggestions on exactly how to say that are greatly appreciated! Thanks.

Most of my friends are/have been older than me, because I've never been able to get on with people my own age - they're like aliens to me speaking an alien language! However, like you I found it difficult to form friendships with older people when I was much younger as they saw me as a child and didn't want to know, which unfortunately triggered a few perseverations on my part....

Anyway, I got a summer job when I was 18 and found a really good friend in a 28 year old colleague. She was continually amazed at how mature I was for my age and how she could have proper intelligent conversations with me and confide her secrets to me knowing that I would not break her trust.

The oldest person I considered a "best friend" was 32 years older than me and we were friends for nearly two years. My best friend now and of the last 4 years is 24 years older than me.

The best advice I can give is don't push it. Older people can be very contented and comfortable in their own lives they have made for themselves and don't always feel that they need anybody new to add to it. They have spent a lot more time making friends than you have and maybe already have a close-knit circle that they are quite happy with. Older people often know who they are or at least like to think they do, and don't see how "some kid trying to pal up" with them could possibly add anything to them. The second you're perceived as "jumped-up" or a nuisance you're out.

Just keep cool, be friendly and demonstrate your maturity, reliability and your ability to have intelligent conversations, but be ready to accept that this woman just might not want you in her life right now.

Hope this helps

Thanks, Pinnygig.
Um, she is not that much older than me, only about 15 years. Though your advice does make mountains of sense, you sound as if you have been the older as well as the younger one at some stage maybe?

I used to enjoy speaking with "old people" (like in their 60's,)

Very few were like me, but those who were, became my friends.

Society doesn't seem to allow old and young people to get along, there is a big discrimination going on.

My old friends, It took me sometimes very long to call them by their christian name, they forgot my age, when we were discussing, we were not pretending we were talking, to spend time, but really communicating.

I was scared to have nothing more to learn, so many ideas and concepts I shared with them.

My memmory is very selective but truly amazing, I hardly forgot anything they told me.

I'm still evolving, but they stopped after helping me reach a next level. And I'm not friend with most anymore, I just see them, some died.

But I really appreciated their company while they were still awake. We were happy,thinking together, it could not last forever.

I realized, some died, without knowing half of the things I knew, but did they really want to know anyway.

I wonder how old I am, 40,50,60,80 yo? my ID says I'm younger, than that, but I can't tell.

Last edited by Catperson on 24 Oct 2011, 5:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry I may have become a little embedded in my own experiences there rather than relating it to your situation

No I haven't ever been the older one although I did once have a girl who wanted to be friends with me more than I did with her. She acted really weirdly, staring at me all the time without speaking, getting possessive and making too many demands on me, and she really started to freak me out when she started registering on internet sites using my username! So as much as I liked her when she was normal and as much as I felt bad for her, I had to just cut her off. Sorry, I've gone off on one again, I am definitely not suggesting that you might behave like that!!

Mostly however, my advice comes from me being on the receiving end of older friends backing off from me because I had overstepped the line, got it wrong, seemed to be demanding too much attention, trying to push my terms rather than just accepting theirs, being perceived as not appreciating when husbands/children/grandchildren/friends they've known for years have to come first.... It hurt at the time, but I've learned how to chill out and back off and that when you're friends with older people (especially much older people), you do have to accept the friendship on their terms.

A large proportion of my friends over the years have been significantly older than me and my husband is also nearly 20 years my senior and it has never seemed to be an issue. This having been said, as you yourself allude to in your original post, the fact you are a young teenager and that this woman has taught at your school would mean that there are very strict boundaries for her in terms of her relationship with you. It is unlikely that she will respond to your desire for friendship as, even if she does think you are mature for your age, it simply would not be seen to be appropriate and could even lead to difficulties for her in terms of her career or the law. I suspect that it would probably be kinder for both of you not to pursue the relationship too far.

i prefer people older than me, not sure why.
the person i'd class as my best friend is 36 (15 years older)
and my boyfriend is 26 (so only 5 years older)

It is good to see that I am not alone in my preferences.
From what I have gathered here, most of you have had personal experience regarding having friends older than you. I have also come to understand that my friendship with this particular woman is either not going to work at all or be kept to a minimum because of the unfortunate circumstances under which we met. However, if I see her again, I intend to talk to her about some English/Latin stuff anyway so I will try to see her view on this subject without saying it directly or, if all else fails, I will explain myself and ask her bluntly. But we are a lot alike, so maybe she will understand, but I am not banking on it. One can only hope!