Aspergers as a crutch?

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My roommate and I recently got into a heated argument about being more open with my condition. I've gotten to the point in my life where I can attend social events without panic attacks or meltdowns, I've had a steady job since high school and a regular group of friends, my condition is essentially nonexistant. As a result I prefer to only tell people I trust (he is among this group) because I'd rather be seen as an NT than someone on the spectrum and move on with my life. He believes I should be more open and unashamed about it and has brought it up (although in a positive light) with his friends and when I tell him I'd prefer that people didnt know about it, he tells me to quit using it as a crutch. They praise me up and down for coming as far as I have but I'd rather not be praised OR ridiculed for it, I just want to be seen as a person, not a person with a condition. Am I being overly sensitive or is this something I should put my foot down on?

I don't see how not sharing it is using it as a crutch. You want to be seen for you, not for the label.

I don't see how keeping the fact you have diagnosed autism to yourself is using it as a crutch...that's sort of the opposite of that. Using it as a crutch the way most people mean it means like someone who uses their diagnoses to excuse or justify negative behavior they could avoid. For instance if someone with autism is being rude and claim they can't help it because they are autistic...even if it is something they could keep from doing. Though a lot of people throw that phrase around a lot where its not appropriate like if an autistic person has meltdowns due to sensory overload and they explain that someone might say they are using it as a crutch or excuse but in that case they are just attempting to explain why they freaked out when they ended up in an unplanned situation causing sensory overload.

yeah that confuses me. I get that phrase a lot but for explaining why I have a difficult life, ie finding work, social interactions, dating(no job, car, etc) People tell me I'm using those as a crutch. Crutches are used to help people get around, those prevent me from doing stuff. I fail to see the reasoning. It seems to be the same as grow up, pull you boots up, etc. saying my problems are not true and I should some how be able to just be successful. I highly doubt they would go up and say those phrases to a physical disable person though, that's just rude. but someone with a mental or social disorder its a crutch. blah went to a workshop and learned about handicrap from incight. interesting ideal that seems logically, but meh

i don't see what you do as a crutch. I don't go around telling people anymore either. I'd rather be normal, where as it seems most Nt would prefer to be weird. Why they want that I have no idea.

That guy is being very disrespectful when he outs you like that. It doesn't matter what he thinks; any dx, is for the sufferer to reveal, no one else. That goes even more for labels like ours.

The only person who is allowed to tell anyone about my AS diagnosis is me. If anyone outed me I'd be through with them, it's a total deal breaker. I don't forgive that kind of betrayal. Better alone than with "friends" like that IMO.

Yeah, that's a conundrum. We just wanna be normal, and they wanna stand out. Only because they don't though. If they did, they'd hate it as much we do.
Not being different or noticed in any way, just be seen without being seen, would be a dream come true


By the way, OP, using AS as a crutch would be the very opposite of keeping quiet about it. "I can't do that, I'm aspie", "I don't understand why insulting you is wrong" those kinds of things would be using it as a crutch.


And those pals of your room mate sounds really condescending.

It's possible it's more obvious than you realize. I think I'd be wondering if he was acting as my friend, or like an older sibling. It doesn't sound like you think he's making fun of you. That being the case, if you want him to stop and he doesn't--he may based on your heated arguement--maybe try humor? Something must be triggering him to mention it. You could also ask him to point out (privately) what you do that seems atypical.

Worst comes to worst, maybe a new roommate?

So......is your roommate NT, or does he have AS too and is upset that you're trying to hide it? That info would bring further clarification to the situation.

In other words, you want to be seen as Neurotypical, not as one of the rest of us conditioned freaks. Good for you.

Same here.

When I think of crutch, I think of someone bringing up being autistic in every single conversation or trying to use that as an excuse when someone gets mad at you for whatever reason.

I don't really get why the phrase came to be I mean considering crutches can be helpful for broken legs.

I'm kinda glad this topic is being asked because me and a group of friends are having a discussion about what is the hardest thing about dating you, and we need to be honest. Among other things, I think me having Asperger's should be listed.

The thing is though, I feel like if I say that it'll seem like I'm pandering on people's feelings and trying to get pity out of it. At the same time, if I don't then people won't know about that and thus not know what to expect from me.

I'd rather be seen merely as a person myself. I'm not ashamed to be on the Spectrum, though. It's only a disorder if you allow it to be a disorder.

Honestly, I'm the same way. I'd rather just tell those closest to me about it and let everyone else assume I'm NT so they don't start prejudging me. It's not "using it as a crutch", in fact it's the opposite. If you were using it as a crutch, you'd be going to his parties, acting unnaturally weird and rude and when people call you out on it, say "Oh, I have ASD. You got something against people with a disability?".

To be frank (well, to be Jerry and be concise), it's your decision to tell people and if he's infringing on that, he's not a real friend.

I'm all about being open about autism.

There's all kinds of labels NT's give themselves with the expectation of being treated a certain way that I don't see why I/"we the autistic people" shouldn't do the same.

I've used this example many times before but for me it's like someone saying they are a vegetarian (or needs to have a certain diet from birth due to a medical reason) and their friends keeping this in the back of their minds when going to a restaurant or having a dinner party by making sure there's veggy (special) food available. If the vegetarian friend never said anything about it, and would end up not eating anything at the restaurant, or cancelling/not going to dinner parties any more without explaining the reason, I don't think you can blame "the other friends" for taking it "personal" and not being as good as friends as they could/would have been if they had known the food was the problem.

I've got a best friend and I'm friends with her friends "by proxy" and they all know about my autism. Sometimes when we're hanging out and more people show up, I reach my limit and just have to go home/get away. If they didn't know about my autism it could look like I'm being rude/have a problem with one of those people who just walked in, but because they do know, they "respect" it. Even if I end up talking to my friend for another 30 minutes at her front door/in the hallway.

None of them sees me as having "a problem" which was proven to me (and resulted in me starting to cry out of "acceptance(?)", which I never felt before), when some distant friends of her started to pity me by saying "aww I'm so sorry that you have autism" (when I said I had a meeting with my autism councillor the next day and they asked what it was and I explained it a little) and my friend and her closer friends looked at them like "what the hell are you talking about" and said I lived by my own code but was just as "differently normal"/"normally different" as every one else and am an awesome guy who doesn't need/deserve any pity.

That would piss me off. I don't tell anyone about my AS:
1. I don't feel like explaining it and how it applies to me. Even if I tried to explain, it wouldn't make sense anyways
2. I despise being pitied. Such a useless sentiment.
3. I don't wanna be seen as anything other than me. I'll give no explanation for my eccentricities (which I am well aware of). Accept me as me, simple solution.

Telling people about my AS only causes problems. It would be just another thing separating me from them. A source of complete confusion and misunderstanding. I've worked damn hard on myself to be where I am at now... not by trying to emulate NTs (a very exasperating task), but by forging my own way. My struggle is not apparent... I am as capable as anyone else, moreso in some areas, less in others.
I am certainly not ashamed of having Asperger's, but I feel telling people is detrimental to the progress I've made. Using it to explain any shortcomings would feel like a crutch... and my diagnosis being disclosed without my permission is disrespectful. So yeah, that's my perspective.