Why do you need friends? (NTs respond too, pls)

Post Reply New Topic

I define friend as someone that you don't only interact with for practical/functional reasons.

Here is what I think I'd like to have friend(s) for:

• To talk about things that we specifically find interesting. This implies having similar interests (in my case mainly programming, maths and economic policy).
• When something interesting happens to come to my mind, talk about it (whether something related to a news story I read or an interesting grammatical rule I stumble upon). Actually these are the times I tend to feel lonely, having nobody to talk to.
  
  This implies spending significant time together, but not talking continuously, but only when we have a reason to talk.

Actually I had such a friend, a classmate in high school, but we only rarely talk since the end of high school. Another good situation to be together could be working together on something, but I suspect it has to be something interesting, as opposed to being forced to work together in an average workplace. (E. g. we voluntarily worked with my friend on programming projects for our school.)

In contrast, I have the impression that most people come together on occasion, and then do mostly things and talk for hours on end about things I don't find interesting. I also notice that they mostly talk about things that happen to them, while I mostly like to talk about things that exist irrespectively of us. But I may be wrong.
With my friend our thinking was similar, in the sense that, as far as I can tell, we typically found interesting what the other had to say. While I have the impression that most people would find it boring if I started talking about these random things. But again, I might be wrong.

A note about trust: People tend to say that mutual trust is very important to friendships and other close relationships. I never really got this. When it comes to practical things, I can pretty much go on with my life alone; this means I don't need to put myself in situations where I need to be able to trust the other (that is, where he could hurt me if the trust wasn't warranted). I think most people are like this, at least in developed countries. On the other hand I realize maybe a trust-like connection means that we can say whatever we want to each other, not just things that are functional or socially expected.


So the question of the topic:
- Why do you have friends? Why do you need friends? What do you do with friends?
- Secondary questions may be related to how to get (such) friend(s). But I'll perhaps open separate topics for that, to keep one topic for one question. (Well, three, but related.)

Thought-provoking post. Your definition of "friend" is one I sometimes have found myself using, though these days I wonder if I was being too broad. There were some people on Facebook I used to interact with who had some of the same interests I did, but I never saw these people regularly face-to-face. Can that really be a "friendship," a relationship where people never talk to each other in person? I've started to have doubts about that, hence why I deleted Facebook (among other reasons) - I think I was spending too much time on there without really interacting in the everyday world. I mean, I love writing about as much as anything, but I must admit there is a certain intimacy lost with that medium, you know?

Considering your situation, is there a reason you and that friend no longer talk much anymore? It looks like you knew him from school and thus face-to-face, so he sounded like a real friend, even in the stricter sense I just outlined above.

To answer your final questions, I'm not sure I have friends at this stage of my life, but it would probably be nice to have them for sharing things of importance and interest, especially face-to-face. It's hard for us Aspergerians to make them, though, what with our tactlessness and strangeness. Right now, I only have that kind of "friendly" and more intimate relationship with my fiance and family. That may be enough, so to answer your second question, we may not necessarily "need" friends, per se. However, at the same time, I find myself getting concerned sometimes that my perspective on life will get too narrow and warped if I just limit myself to such a tiny circle. I have a schizophrenic relative who almost never socializes - even less than I do, and I'm talking about not working or even going to stores or the community much (things I'm able to do without too much struggle) - and he can get quite ridiculous and non-linear in his thinking at times while being completely oblivious to it, and unable to see just how bizarre his thought processes are. I'm not sure what the magic balance is, but I know that extremes aren't good: that is, people who live in garages and don't get out, or people who party and socialize almost non-stop all day.

Finally, as to what to do with friends, that would be sharing things, discussing matters, and seeing face-to-face regularly, IMO.

Thanks for your answer. I gave my definition mostly as a "working definition", to be broad. Most people have a narrower definition, even if I'm not completely sure what it is.

We went to study different areas at the university. On top of that by now we are in different countries.



If you can think back, can you please tell something about what kinds of things do you tend to (and/or enjoy to) discuss? Thanks. (By sharing things do you mean discussing events in your life, as I assume?)

Sounds about the same for me. People seem to use me for a sounding board for problems sometimes, which I don't really mind listening to. I don't feel a specific need for friends, but it's nice to share topics of interests that both parties enjoy.

I'm NT. I don't find I need lots of friends so much as a close relationship with someone. I have gone through most of my adult life with only my husband as my friend and that is all I need. I think it would be the same if it was a close friend or if I had a close relationship with my mum/sister etc.
As for the reason for any contact/friendship with others I suppose I find it fun to be around people who I get along with and can share jokes/conversation with etc. And sometimes if you are doing something you are uncertain of doing by yourself - a friend can give you more confidence - eg going somewhere new for the first time. They can also boost your self esteem as they will tend to be nice to you and compliment you which is nice to hear even if it is only said because they are your friend!
I think you are right that a lot of people just find the act of speaking with someone pleasurable in itself regardless of whether the content of what is said is particularly interesting.

not having friends puts a crimp in lots of things, like if you need help moving something large and you have no friends, who ya gonna call? or ya need a lift to work one day 'cause the jalopy won't start, with no friends you are stuck calling a taxi. having friends is a survival thing.

am LFA not aspie and have never had what everyone calls friends before,never felt a need for interaction and socialization, have always seen people as objects and dont connect or relate to them.
however will do things with other people if it means getting to do a favourite group sport like ten pin bowling.

Sharing and discussing life events is one thing, but not the only thing. I also like it when people can discuss in-depth topics and subjects of interest, like neuroscience, philosophy, or even sports strategies (I'm a basketball fan). Most neurotypicals, however, have a wide variety of interests without much depth, so they can only spend so much time on something. They get bored with having to focus on one thing too long, especially in an analytic fashion (it's one thing to play a video game or party for hours straight, which is easy for many neurotypicals, but another to actually pick apart and dissect something - very different neocortical activity required and demanded there).

I've always thought that I had friends, but I've only recently realized that those people only associated with me to have someone to make fun of. When I was younger, I wasn't aware i was being mocked, I was just always confused by their behavior, and so returned the favor, trying to confuse them, too (I love being confused because i love problem solving). I did a good job at least, they think Im the weirdest person in the world. But strangely, as i got older and smarter, they started to actively hate me. They would ditch me and steal from me, tell me to do things they knew i wouldn't know aren't acceptable. After a while, the only reason i associated with them was because their behavior was so bizarre to me, it's another thing that directed me towards loving behavioral neuroscience. But now that im older, im beginning to feel the effects of having never had a real friend. I find myself sitting on my bed in my dorm, looking out the window and staring at all the stupid happy NT's, wishing i could be so comfortable around another human. But every time i try and speak to someone, i can't think of anything to say. Often I'm able to vocalize problem solving, but that just comes off as me being a dick. People dont like it when i try and help them get smarter. Why did my obsession have to be with thought? I can't just let people be wrong... can't just let myself be wrong... Im just going to get a dog, animals have always loved me; more than other humans, even. Maybe just because i understand their psychology so well.

Friends are good when you want to do something that wouldn't be so funny or possible alone. Going to swimming pool, a festival, stargaze, a trip, vacation, RPG sesions... All the stuffs that are easier, saver, more fun or only possible when done in a group.

One word....context.

Friends are good ways to learn about how the world sees you. They can help bring out your better qualities. Being alone, you never get a good, honest view of yourself from the outside observer.

I believe in having friends because your own perspective on the world is too limiting. Isolation breeds ignorance.

I like the companionship of people, at times. I like the camaraderie.

I like playing group sports, competing, but I hate constant bickering.

I enjoy talking about different cultures, I enjoy talking about current events, to a certain extent.

I'm not introspective when it comes to "relationships." I just let things happen.

I don't think "relationships" should be a topic of intellectual debate--it's viscerally irritating to me.

I enjoy meeting people fleetingly, exchanging "hi's," speaking a little about our lives.

I don't enjoy extended time with people too much, unless we're playing a board game, or watching sports.

I don't like the Ingmar Bergmann type of thing--sitting around a table discussing "feelings."

I consider a friend someone who shares similar interests with you and does like to spend some significant time, regularly, sharing those interests.

Still, in my humble opinion this is only a sort of golden door of a friendship; actually a friend is first of all someone who shares many similar opinions about deep subjects , the meaning of life, the values , etc., and of course someone you trust unconditionally.

On the other hand, if someone is a friend of mine, I tend to accept his point of view even when it is different from mine, and this exchange of opinions is a great thing, to me

Thanks for the responses.

I get this. Though in some cases I'm not exactly sure to what part the activity is enjoyable in itself (and made more so by doing it together) and how much the activity is more of an excuse to be together.


This is something I didn't think about. Though I cannot really imagine starting talking to someone in order to get their perpective on me/on the world, but it may happen while talking.


Well, if I just let things happen, they don't. (Note that I didn't ask the questions to say) that friendships are not important, but in order to see what other people think about this.


Now this is, as I wrote before, something I never understood. Why do you need to trust someone unconditionally? (I also think that complete trust is always irrational. Many people have thought they could trust someone else completely, and it turned out to be unwarranted.)

Are you sure you completely don't want to socialize/interact? You seem to interact with other people pretty much here on this forum. It is a different medium than face-to-face and it may be more functional than some people's "talking for the sake of talking" but still.

I have friends to maintain a social aspect of this little drama I call my life. It wouldn't be too much of a drama if it was just me looking at the rain outside my window (that's just too peaceful).

I don't need friends.

I do everyday stuff like taking walks, eating dinner, watching movies, and talking over a cup of coffee (preferably in the comfort of my own home). I mostly like to talk about "deep" (other people call it that, I see it as superficial as anything else in this world), existential stuff, and laugh about it when the seriousness becomes absurd. I can also enjoy listening to someone else's relationship dramas, and analyze them and try to come up with solutions to imagined problems. I read too much teen magazines when I was 12-18 and tend to see my conversations with other girls as an advice column where they post their worries to me and my role is to give best advice possible to solve them (also, I've been a counsellor). I'm trying to solve my issues on trying to solve issues, though.
My current best friend is my ex boyfriend and while I do give him advice sometimes, we mostly just keep each other company in everyday experiences or talk about existential issues (or, well, I talk, he listens).