Mechanics of forming friendships

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Apologies if this has already been covered somewhere, as I have only just joined in here and haven't yet trawled through all the threads (but yeah, I probably will end up reading most of them), but one big confusion I have around socializing is the actual 'making friends' part.

Let me explain. I have noticed that when you read articles or books about making friends, they tend to concentrate on a couple of aspects. First there's the 'how to get out, meet people and start talking to them', with advice like taking classes, participating in hobby groups, etc, smiling, being approachable, making small talk. I already know how to do this quite well. Then there's lots of stuff about how to be a good friend, for example, being there for your friend, being a good listener etc, which I do try to do. But I can't seem to find any instructions on how to get from the point where you have an acquaintance who you see every week at pottery class and chat to, to the point where you can phone her for a chat at random times, or drop in at her house for a visit.

I have always been lost as to how to do this. Whenever I am in some kind of group, it seems that one day we are all doing polite small talk, and the next time other group members have magically turned into real friends who see each other outside of the group and know each other's personal information. The process is totally invisible to me, and I feel like there is some secret magic spell that everybody except me knows!

Any answers would be greatly appreciated.
Or even if anyone else has been in the same boat and can sympathize (I don't believe in the idea that ASD people have no empathy lol)

Last edited by KezC on 21 Aug 2014, 5:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have the same problem! I meet people at work or a playdate and we have a good time but then it seems like I don't know how to transform it into a real friendship! The only people I've hung out with more than a few times (2) in 3 years invited me somewhere randomly so I went. But yeah most of the time I watch all the other parents sit together and grow closer or hear of people all going out and I wasn't in the clique. My mom says part of my problem is reciprocity. If someone invites me somewhere I'll go if it doesn't sound too awkward or inconvenient or long. Like I won't go to a big party or biking (too dangerous), etc. Then I forget to invite people places myself or can't think of where to invite them so I never ask anyone over my house or to a movie etc. I've been getting better because I invited one of the 2 friends (the one I just started hanging with) to a play date because I wanted social interaction for my son. I was surprised that she agreed on short notice. Then she invited me somewhere and I didn't go. I saw her at a play date and I know I need to invite her somewhere soon to keep the ball in the air, not sure where though. And my other friend has probably only not faded away because I see her at work and we catch up there but I need to invite her somewhere too. My mom says I should invite people to eat at my house but it's kind of like I don't want them here. I want friends to have other kids to play with my son and go to the movies or other places with but I don't really want them coming by all the time into my personal space. I guess that's part of the problem, I'm not friendly enough.

I just realized that someone invited me somewhere and we went 2 weeks ago. I think I'm due to invite her somewhere now before that fades as well. It's hard 😁

I don't really have anything helpful to say except that I have the SAME problem. It's always been so confusing and frustrating!

I really like AspERMD's tip about reciprocity though. That's a hard thing for me - I fear looking awkward or inappropriate, or being outright rejected. I suppose I just need to figure out a few nice, reasonable types of invitations I can extend to friendly acquaintances with whom id like to become "real friends". It's funny - the few Very Close Friends i do have, I can't for the life of me figure out how that happened!

I'm only 15 and a lot less experienced, and I think social interaction becomes much more complicated into adulthood, but I wanted to say what I do and what works for me.

I think this all depends on the person and what you do with them.

I'm good at socializing and have a small but good circle of friends. I make friends through small talk and getting to know someone, and doing all the things you've mentioned like being empathetic to their issues, helping them with tasks or favors, etc.

What I do at some point is, pure and simply, once someone is a good acquiantance who I talk to more than the others and they talk to me more than the others or equally as much as anyone else, I'll invite someone to do something with me or my family or friends or anything like that, or even just ask them if they would ever be interesed/like to meet up/hang out sometime outside of school.

The thing about friendships are is, at least in my opinion, is that most of them may start off very awkward. Even if you are two very confident people who become fast friends easily and quickly, most friendships are going to naturally start off a little uncomfortable/awkward; which is natural - they're a new person you barely know, with hidden interested you want to learn about and a new family you will meet and get to know better.

So my advice is, just do your best and do try to just ask people to hang out sometime, even after pottery class ask someone if they want to go have lunch together.

The "magic trick" is just trying to hang out with VERY good acquantances outside of class/work. The awkwardness goes away the first couple times you start hanging out.

Double posted, my mistake.

Well I guess I do sometimes flake with the whole inviting people thing. I tend to get a lot of negative thoughts and wind up talking myself out of actually asking people because I assume they won't want to spend any time together.

Another thing I do sometimes is take the reciprocity thing too far. I will invite somebody to do something, then sit back and get upset if they don't invite me in return. I have found there are some people who do want to hang out, but won't ever initiate, although they are pleased when I do. I have to remember that those people are different from people who are just not interested (they are the ones who will make feeble excuses like "oh, we've been really busy lately, but we should do something some time").

I think the third thing where I have a problem is that I tend to have periods of self chosen isolation when I don't want to interact with anyone. I guess when I ignore phone calls and emails just because I'm not up to any communication, other people might think I am avoiding them.

I experience the very same problems myself!

I've been a part of a studio where I practice martial arts for two years now. It seems that all of my classmates have a sort of bond, but I still remain an outsider. Sometimes, it's actually kind of hurtful, because I've put so much time into practicing with them.

I think it's a lie that people with ASD can't empathize. It's just that we express it in a different way. See, when I'm trying to relate to something that someone else is expressing to me, I often start relating a similar personal experience. (Just like the above). I think a lot of people see it as being self-involved, but that isn't true at all. So, people start regarding it as the opposite of empathy, or like I am only interested in involving people in my own sob stories. Again, that can't be less true.

I feel like I seem to do everything right too. I put myself out there, and I'm open to conversation. I try very hard to use appropriate body language, although it makes me very uncomfortable to make eye contact. I've worked really hard on my filters, and scripted small talk to make things easier. I've even remembered to follow up many things I say with questions. I'm polite (and that took awhile to figure out) and I'm friendly and nice. I stay positive and try to make myself a pleasant person to be in the company of.

But, I don't seem to be able to make the transition from people that I know to real friends!

I too fear rejections, because it's been a common theme throughout my life. But, even when I find the courage to invite someone to do something, they seem disinterested.

Do you ever feel like you just don't have anything in common with the people around you?

Only advice I can offer is to see who's interested in talking about more than just pottery (your other interests, things that have been on your mind, other common ground, etc) and who might want to go do something you'd both like on the weekend.

One thing I've discovered is that it is much easier to make friends, or go from casual acquaintance to a friend if you find something you have in common, that means you want to spend more time with them. It doesn't necessarily have to be a particular interest, it's often better if its more like a common feeling or way of thinking, or shared experiences you can relate to.

Often the best way is to look for people who have needs that you can fulfill. For me, one of these needs is music, and last year I met one very good friend through a musicians website and we now do gigs together. She was really looking hard for a guitarist who was reliable and committed and I was able to fulfill that.

In a totally different situation, I have made one really good friend this year, by meeting him at a church service, just chatting briefly, adding each other on facebook, and seeing him post loads of statuses saying that he's bored and lonely and desperate for friends. Because I used to be like this, I could totally relate to everything he said, and asked him if he'd like to meet for a coffee, which we did. We became good friends because I could help him socially, by putting him in touch with people he could get to know and inviting him out - giving him what he really wanted - and we can relate to each other because of similar life experiences.

You can still make good friends even if you can't find these types of commonalities. There are actually loads of people out there looking for new friends.

It's very much a question of getting into a wide social network through meetup groups. online socialising, clubs, classes, church, singles groups, or whatever interests you, getting to meet a wide variety of people that are open to new friendships, and just finding the people you connect with, relate to, and enjoy being around. Unless you are a complete social disaster, you will find people who value your friendship.

I have no advice, but I have the same problem. You described it very well how the situation is for me. I just made this experience during my volunteer year again. I met a group of other volunteers during the year about once avery month. During this time I could see all the things you wrote: Most of them have never met one of the others before, but started to become closer rather soon. It began with small talk and so on, but then - after a few meetings - they became friends, met outside of the volunteer meetings and so on. "Magically" is a good term for it, that was exactly how I feel about it, too.


I also often do this with similar experiences. That works rather well for me. But if I have found a solution to a problem and others tell me something similar I try to tell only the advice because I guess that seems to be less self-centred. On the other hand it takes me a while to empathize with people who talk about something I have really no connection from personal experience to because I have to think about it first.

KezC, the transition from co-participant to friend is difficult for many people, me included. What I do is try to hook an invitation to something that is happening during the event. For example, when I took a pottery class, we always broke for an hour at lunchtime. The class was in a neighboring town, so I asked someone where to get a sandwich. They told me, said they were going there now, and would I like to join them. Then, I knew the spot most people went to, and I invited someone new the next time. That type of invitation can be related to a particular time, such as noon or dinner time.

Another technique is to listen for a person's interests. Say, they mention during class that they have been meaning to go to XYZ's kiln opening. You had also planned on going, so you could say, "Hey, I'm going this weekend. Do you want to go together?" Offer to meet at the location, so everyone is comfortable about having the flexibility to leave if they want.

If you are a member of a gaming meetup and hear your "target" plays that game, tell them about the next meeting, and maybe you'll see them there (if so, be sure to welcome them; if not, tell them later that you missed them and hope they can make it another time). I can think of lots of examples, but I hope these give you an idea you might try.

Hey thanks for the tips everyone, and also to those who shared similar experiences, because it does help to know that I'm not the only person in the world with this issue!

It's good timing, because I have recently joined a couple of new group activities and so should have the chance to try some things out (shhh, don't tell those people I am experimenting on them )

(By the way, in the interests of honesty, I should probably point out that I don't actually take pottery classes. That was just a random example I thought of .)

I have a hard time with this one. I'm really being pushed to "put myself out there" and of course friendships should just spring up like dandelions or something. Right now I just feel resentful about it, and am digging my heels in.
I like sticking to routine. I don't want to give up what quiet time I have. Just because people are of a similar age doesn't mean we have jack in common.

Good luck to everyone else. I just feel pretty pessimistic in my own situation right now.

KezC, I did take a pottery class and it provided a ready example, but I didn't relate the story specifically to help at a pottery workshop. I was terrible at turning - my pots flew off the wheel! But, laughing about it also helped make friends

MjrMajorMajor, I do not agree that "friendships *should* *just* spring up like dandelions or something," (emphasis added). Friend-making comes more easily for some people, but it also takes commitment and work to sustain friendships. I am shy (test result borderline introvert/extrovert) and understand the difference between getting energy from people (extrovert) or losing energy from being around people (introvert). There are ways you can stay true to your tendencies and still socialize. One thing I do is play the hostess, so I have an excuse to leave the room to "take care of things" and regroup my energy.

My husband, who is also sometimes not confident in social situations, prefers listening to a conversation and only speaking up when he has a suggestion. Almost all of his social activities (a lot, 4-6 per week) involve tabletop RPGs, so mostly everyone welcomes his comments and perhaps values them more since they are less common. Is there a special interest you have that you could incorporate into your social life?

Callipat, in my experience, most people only half-listen (or less) to other people, but they like hearing and talking about themselves. Typical human self-interest/protection. Perhaps try the often-discussed mirroring method. Instead of relating something about yourself (which does demonstrate you were listening, except many people don't notice that fact), try rephrasing what they have said.

Here's a simple example.

Scenario one, which closes Linda's ears:
Linda: I was late for work today, because my cat got out the door, again!
Tim: Well, when Tiger kept escaping, I installed a cat door, and...

Scenario two, which holds Linda's attention, because she is perhaps feeling sorry for herself and is seeking empathy or just wants to release some frustration, not get a list of potential solutions:
Linda: I was late for work today, because my cat got out the door, again!
Tim: You were late for work after doing so well this week? It is frustrating when you prepare so hard to make it in time and something like a cat escape delays you anyway!

If Linda's head starts nodding or she looks more directly at you, you have perhaps engaged her attention, and she is relating to you (the beginning of friendship). At that point, you could try some more of the body language methods you mentioned, which also include mirroring.

Be kind to yourself and keep trying little by little. Social interaction can be such a painful exercise!

It seem that forming friendships must hurt some times! Tony Attwood said that people with our condition have special hearts that normal people don't have in the same way. I forgot exactly what he said. Anyway, normal people go into relationship and know they will be hurt. Asperger people want to avoid it at all costs it seems.
You can even get hurt if you have goos friends.
The more people you invite in your life the better executive function you need, right?
Humans are not like Latin grammar!
Let us suffer?