Social Skills/Rules Learned The Hard Way, Not Intuitively?

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Great quote, and it gives me an idea for a new thread
I thought maybe if we shared some of our blunders or questions to which we've gotten answers, it might help someone. What have you learned that you wish you had known sooner? Or, for parents or siblings or friends who see their loved ones make mistakes, what rules/strategies/tips do you wish they'd learn from you?

I've got a bunch of these. One big one is the art of giving advice or, to put it another way, the art of not giving unsolicited advice. I've had so many people get frustrated with me over that, and I had a really difficult time understanding why people wouldn't want advice if they vent about a problem.

So now, I learned to first ask, "Do you want to talk about it?" before I "ask too many questions." "If I have an idea, I ask, Are you looking for advice?" and "What have you tried so far?" if the question makes sense.

I also try and give advice in the form of little snapshots/stories about my own experience or the experience of others, asking if any of the stuff might work for them. That way I'm not directly telling them what to do and don't come off like I know all the answers.

I find that this works well. They tend to either explain why the advice won't work, which leads me to understand their problem further, or they say they'll try what I suggested. If they just want to vent, then I find that out also, and I listen and try to understand how they're feeling, less about why. I'm more likely now to get responses like, "Thanks for listening/understanding," or even sometimes, "Good idea."

When a woman mentions in passing that she is fat, she is not actually looking for diet and exercise advice (a topic I can go into great detail about).

People also saying how they wish they could be skinnier is also not an invite to start lecturing them about how to lose weight and to start commenting on anything they eat you feel isn't healthy for them or how much food they are eating you feel is too much for them.

I have never had to learn this the hard way but I had figured out just from reading online that people purposely don't answer their phone when they don't want to talk to you (yeah do that to me I would just keep on calling and calling and calling hoping you would pick up) and also when people are busy every time you try and ask them out, it means they are not interested or don't like you as a friend. And also another sign is if they don't even try and initiate the friendship because they never call you or invite you. These are all signs of rejection and I was so blind to them until my young adulthood. I even had my number blocked one time because I called someone too much and then I found out I was calling her so much she couldn't even be with her friends and enjoy her time and I felt bad about it. So after that I had learned to call someone else like three times a week when I was 16.

If it was me you were trying to call I wouldn't answer because I just can't deal with talking on the phone. Send me a text instead and you'll have a much bigger chance of getting a response.

These are all good ones to share. How about the one about not directly saying, "You're wrong," or "You're not making sense." Instead, it's "That's not what I believe," or "I learned it differently." I also used to correct people as a kid because it was all right for teachers to correct kids. It took me a while, through asking lots of questions, to understand that people felt embarrassed or just plain annoyed at being called out on a technicality. Maybe they felt it got in the way of them speaking their minds, which certainly wasn't what I intended.

Just trying to connect with others is excruciating, no matter how much I may crave it. I want to befriend others, yet I have little more than bad memories with friendships in the past that dissolved for a myriad of painful reasons. I don't want to isolate myself, but I am so afraid of getting close to someone that I have learned to avoid others. I wholly-understand that it isn't a healthy mentality to have at all, but I'm not sure how to overcome my atrocious social anxiety that I'm pretty sure is more of a phobia than anything else.

In the past, I've learned not to ask personal questions of others or things like one's relationship status, academic grades, or salary.

I could definitely use to adapt my "advice giving" techniques. I also see everyone's voicing a problem as a platform to try and help them solve it. It's maddening to know that most people don't work this way most of the time. I know when I vent I'm usually hoping someone will guide me and I don't really know how to ask people for help. On the other hand, people who know me, which are really the only people I talk with, generally really appreciate my ability to break things down.

I've also learned to not speak in definitive terms when speaking to someone else, or having a disagreement. Declaring things in the absolute drive people nuts. Unless you are 100% sure you can prove something 100% factually you shouldn't be presenting an idea as an absolute. Ever. Softer responses are key to being a comforting person to talk with.

In a similar vein, I'm teaching myself to try and control conversational intensity. Sometimes I can get so irritated or excited, my voice goes up several decibels until it's literally hurting the ears of the person I'm talking with. Don't do this I'm learning.

I've also learned that I don't have to always be brutally honest about every little thing. Sometimes I get myself in trouble because I'm being way too honest. Don't lie, but you don't have to spell out the truth in every circumstance either. Small inconsistencies and occasional contradictions are normal for people. People don't always express all of their emotions in an articulate, verbal way. Keep it simple and to the point, then slowly expand or your going to drive people away.

Whether you think there's a such thing as age appropriate behavior or not, realize that there most certainly is. What you did in your early 20s will not work in your late 30s. If your perspectives haven't changed, you're not looking or thinking hard enough. Acting bizarre or making an ass out of yourself in public is funny at 21 and will make you friends. At 38 it will make people think you are mental and not want anything to do with you.

Always learn to take breaks when speaking. If you don't you'll turn a conversation into a rant. Don't do this.

Even if you like to argue, don't constantly disagree with people in an effort to stimulate debate. This isn't debate class/club. Being able to argue both sides effectively will not get you a better grade. It will not score you points. It WILL piss people off and not make them want to talk with you anymore.

No one take this the wrong way... it's not sexist (at least I don't intend it that way)... but I've learned women are still women no matter how atypical ("cool") they may seem. Most women require certain things in the way of emotional support and romance even if they act like they don't and even if they say so explicitly. Don't believe them. It doesn't mean they don't want these things, maybe just want them in an atypical way. This is very very important.

This is what I've learned so far. Unfortunately I have little use for such skills at this point in my life...

Novac96, that seems like such a lonely experience. I wish I knew how to help. Hugs.

BeakyBird, I can definitely relate to enjoying argument and learning the hard way that many people don't, and others just use emotional attacks. Even those who enjoy it rarely enjoy it all the time.

I love the bit about extreme honesty. Gradually, I'm learning ways to be honest without being overly so. For example, "I't's not my style/thing/whatever," instead of saying either "I really don't like the food," or pretending badly to love it. Also, "Not bad," and "You made this very well," for people I don't know, who probably don't want my opinion.

I know lots of people who don't take proper breaks in conversation. I never know how to deal with them without either interrupting with a question or just listening. Also learning how to interrupt people nicely in business situations: "We'll definitely try and cover all of that in our meeting." "Sorry to cut you off. I think we're getting a bit off track." Also doing more listening, even if someone's been talking for several minutes uninterrupted, and even if they're not sharing a well formed story or theory.

Oh the personal questions thing: such a tricky balance of sharing and asking questions, getting deeper over time. One way to get salary or quality-of-life info though: "I'm sure you probably don't want to tell me what you make personally, but what do people usually earn when they work as XYZ?" Or "You probably don't want to tell me what you pay for rent, but I'm trying to get an idea of the cost of living in ABC City."

I've learned my social skills from books and articles.

One thing that really helped is learning to keep the critique to myself. Most people don't want to hear anything bad about themselves, their opinions, their tastes, so I always ask myself if speaking my mind to them would benefit me in any sort of way. If someone is talking nonsense I try to change the subject or give a neutral impersonal answer. I don't argue with people unless it's for my own good. I only give honest opinions to family and close friends, if I think my point of view would benefit them. Otherwise I limit the negative stuff even with them.

And people love compliments, especially if they're honest and you tell them at a time when they least expect or when they're feeling down. There are plenty of jerks out there who live to make others miserable; those who are nice tend to keep their niceness to themselves not to appear weak, so most of the things humans hear from one another are critique and negative opinions, so you don't need to add to that. Also, people love giving advices (more than hearing them), so if you appear greatful for their advices, no matter how useless they were to you, they'll like you better. Even if you don't follow them. Being an active listener is also a sure way to make folks like you.

But it can all make you very tired after a while. Social interaction can be fun, but it's more exausting than most types of work.

I so get what you are saying....text me anytime, I get back to you when I'm ready. But phone me and I disconnect. I think I'm not seeing the face with the voice. Very confusing

The last overweight person that tried to tell me about dieting pretty much got their soul crushed by me. I wasn't too hard on them but I did tell them the insignificance of diet shakes. They claimed they work so much and yet they weren't skinny ... I have a small frame so that's probably the last thing they wanted to hear from me but since they brought up the topic they pretty much opened the door.

I still am a social failure, but at 26 having been diagnosed at 19 there is nothing for me and I've accepted that.



That kinda thing has happened to me where people didn't want to be bothered with me. Luckly I didn't know enough about them to lay them into the metaphorical ground before cutting them loose. Now had they been honest then I wouldn't have the desire to hurt them back.

When you first know someone, do not talk about your personal problems. When I was 14, I had a pen pal from New Zealand and that didn't last long. I started to get personal because I talked about my bad childhood and being an aspie and how hard school work is for me. I never heard back from her. This was when we had only exchanged a couple of emails and I think I broke a social rule with this. I didn't really figure it out until I was 17 when I wondered if I said too much and if it was because I talked about my bad childhood and shared my diagnoses. Yeah don't do it, most people get uncomfortable when you tell them your drama stories or sob stories. They don't want to hear how bad your life is when they are first getting to know you.

People aren't interested in your special interest and you're annoying them. Because I struggle so much with reading body language I didn't realize I was annoying people for years. Finding out was really embarrassing.

Just because people seem nice doesn't mean they're nice. I tend to blindly trust people, because it's hard for me to imagine wanting to use or manipulate or harm someone, and I've had to learn to be suspicious of people.

I agree about learning not to talk about your personal problems when you first meet someone. I prefer to and have no issue if the other person does too, but it scares most people off.

I was also blind to signs of friendship rejection for a really long time too. I'd desperately try to get people to like me and spend time around me and didn't get that they didn't like me or were just humoring me.

And yeah people do not like when you critique the things they like. I've always critiqued things I like, so I thought it was normal, but it seems to irritate a lot of people. Same with personal critique, but since I've never taken it well it seems ridiculous that I didn't notice other people wouldn't like it either.

Don't tell people you don't know about personal things like your disability. If you become good long time friends or better then reveal it. If they still care they'll be there no matter what.

Also don't use your AS/Crutch as a crutch. This also applies on the internet, just because you have AS/Autism. Doesn't give you excuse/reasons for your bad behavior. Internet-wise, it's how you treat them/others as well AS/Autism or not on the internet. People won't forget things so easily.

Filtering what you say. This will save you a lot of drama and pain. You just can't say what's on your mind. There are times you have to keep things to yourself even if it's true. I'm still working on all of this.