Not allowed to talk to people

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Seriously. This is why I was worried about being on WP. If she knew, she'd ban it.

Mum doesn't understand that her 30 year old slightly aspie daughter might want to actually talk to people other than her, her friends and her husband.

It's not even about having friends. If I go somewhere where there's friendly banter and I get involved in the banter, she tells me it's dangerous to talk to strangers.

True if you're 4. True if you are more autistic than me or if you have learning difficulties so you don't stick to boundaries properly. True if you're approaching people or they're approaching you in unnatural situations.

But I'm socially anxious already and I'm just trying to make small talk with people. Perhaps eventually to get a feel for people and make friends, but initially just being friendly.

Ugh, she just annoys me so much because she won't let me do what other adults do. I don't even go places alone. Always with her or my stepdad! She isn't as much like this if I go somewhere with her and she sees how the conversation goes down, but my stepdad obsessed over what the other person said as if it's gold dust and keeps hammering on about the conversation as if it was a request for a date.

Which - um - people used to meet strangers in bars for sex. Nowadays people meet on Tindr and Grindr for the same. I wouldn't do that myself, I wouldn't even pick up dates like that, I'd have to get to know someone really well and probably through family etc. But there's a big stretch from small talk to friendship to dating to sex. All I want is to be allowed to make small talk!

The joke is, when I was a teenager I was allowed to develop friendships with adult. When I was 10, I was allowed to just go off with adults we didn't know all day. But now I'm actually an adult? Not allowed. Also not allowed on social media etc.

As you can probably tell, I feel angry with her and I need a way to persuade her that 1 I'm not doing anything dangerous 2 as an adult, I should be allowed to make small talk (and even friendship, and even if I wanted to - romantic relationships!) with other adults.

Ugh she can be so damn patronising at times.

Always tough when we don't have the other side of the story, but you're at least acknowledging things like boundaries or potential risks, so it doesn't sound to me like you're in a kind of naive bubble like I think autistic people can be. It's possible your conversation style is, as mine probably is more than I like to admit, somewhat "socially awkward," but I think that's like saying someone can't walk because they limp.

If your description is accurate, I'd say your parents are propping themselves up by taking their guardianship role too much to heart, which isn't good for them.

Probably going to sound like a jerk, but if you're living in their house rent-free, you owe them something, though, and this seems like what they're saying they want, so if I was in your position, I'd try to, like, check in with them and things, ask for their permission for some things, see what things you can do to allay their fears if that's what their problem is. Try to meet them halfway, let them know you care what they want AT ALL, y'know.

I'm not living in their home rent free though. I'm paying rent and I don't begrudge paying for other things.

Yeah, my social anxiety breaks me out of my autism bubble. Before I was ill, I was pretty naïve. After it, I got scared I could only talk to mum. Now I'm trying to figure out what the middle ground is. I know it isn't mentally healthy to just rely on parents for company, especially since they won't always be here.

We've had a bit of a conversation. Apparently I was triggering her fears of what happened when I was 13. Some adults hurt me back then.

But I've since been to uni. I've had work. I've gone to college. I've learnt, in short, how to interact.

Her triggers are setting off my triggers. I have diagnosed social anxiety and used to be scared to leave the house. But I feel it's healthy to talk to other people. To set boundaries and to only talk about socially acceptable things, sure, but to talk.

(and online, in case anyone's wondering at this strange description of me, I'm kind of 'no holes barred'. That's why I only go on anonymous sites and why I never say which town I come from or what my name is. Basic '90s netiquette. I'm a lot more guarded face to face about topics of conversation as it feels like a real conversation)

Then the way they're acting is really odd. They're still your parents, but there should be a definite "roommate" strain to the dynamic.

I think my suggestion somewhat still stands, though. Even roommates have to wonder if their roommates are going to come home or bring home others at all hours of the night, etc. I would try to be somewhat open about your intentions with people so they know what to expect from you now and in the future. No one likes to be ignored or abandoned. It's just if you're paying for things, I don't think they get to demand it on their schedule to their taste as much.

True.

And yeah, I would never go out after dark. Sometimes I go out as it gets around dusk and come home in the dark but that's rare.

Mum doesn't go out in the dark either. She makes sure my stepdad is there before going out in the dark. In case of strange men.

TUF: Me being relatively new to WP, I obviously don't know you or your situation as it appears Dan does. It sounds like you're already working out some sort of middle ground as you've said and he's suggested. All of which sounds good, so what I'm gonna say probably won't be of much use to you.

It does, however, sound like your mom and step-dad are babying/kind've trying to control you, as you sort of imply. You said it yourself in your second post on this thread, you've LIVED and experienced alot in the last 17 years since whatever happened when you were 13. In short, you're a grown, at least semi-independent woman now and you have HFA, not LFA. Besides the fact that you're paying part of the bills, which should give you some authority in the decision-making about your own life. For what it's worth btw, as someone who can't really work myself, I admire that you've been able to do that.

I'll go further than Dan and say (guardians or not), you pretty much have the right to do what you want, when you want, w/whomever you want b/c the situation you're in now is kinda toxic, not just unhealthy. I mean that in two senses: one how your mom's babying you and not controlling her own emotions/triggers and not respecting your maturity and two how your current social life sounds suffocating. Who the hell would wanna live like that?! I know there are people on WP who seem either to want to live that way or have decided/accepted that as their "fate", so to speak, but that's apparently not you at all. It's beyond normal (it's healthy and necessary) at least to have friends and, as you hint at, possibly to date in the future, especially if you've been in this situation for many years. Pardon the cliche, but your inner social butterfly wants to spread her wings a bit and explore the world beyond your own home/family.

In short, by all means have the talk(s) w/your mom and step-dad, but this is your life, don't let anyone stand in your way of living it how you want to. Good luck!

Your mum has some mental health issues of her own, doesn't she?

If you really feel ready to be an adult, move out. Share a flat with some roommates. Your mum will have to adjust. It will be an adjustment for you too, but in a good direction.

I was gonna say what Bea did, but I held back. But yes, that's your other option.

I don't know TUF's situation. She's a woman, so I only try really hard to look like I know what I'm talking about around her. (Which is a joke.)

This. Your mum only gets a say In your social life because you're living under her roof. If you want to be your own person, and do what you want to do, then you'll have to move out, either alone or with roommates. Your mum doesn't get a say when you're no longer living under her roof. You have a lot more power in the relationship if you're not living in her house with her rules.

No she doesn't. She has physical health problems.

The plan is that I eventually live on my own within this 5 years.

At the moment, I live on their land but in a separate building which I pay them rent for.

I need to move somewhere bigger so that I can learn to cook and do things like that properly.

I don't think she'd let me have flatmates considering she doesn't like me interacting in the first place with other people and that's a heck of a lot of interacting with other people. And, I wouldn't want them. The plan is that I live on my own.

But surely there's a middle ground?

"middle ground"?

This is not "a wrinkle in Time"

There is no happy medium


What method does your mum use to enforce the rule that you don't talk to anyone?

How is that physically possible?

It's mostly just if I get into any sort of conversation.

She sulks and says 'I don't like these people, I don't know them, they could be anyone'.

I hate to upset her and the 'they could be anyone' triggers off my social anxiety.

I need to get to know how to 1 enforce boundaries 2 know if someone is safe or not 3 trust people who are safe. But I can't do that unless I'm allowed to talk to people. It's a trial and error type thing.

And she came down really hard on me having social media with my name on it.

It's more that I disappoint her and I can't handle that. She cries...

And you don't think she has mental health issues?

Not diagnosed.

She has this sort of superiority complex to me and my stepdad cos I'm autistic and he's gullible.

I've specifically had to warn her off people, ironically. She seems to think it's ok for her friends to pick on her.

Also she apologised four times today because I kept bringing up how scared she made me yesterday.

You went to school. You have a job. What more does she want, grandkids? That would be really weird if she won't let you talk to men.