Aspie having NT friends and socializing

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One of my second cousins reckons he's on the spectrum, but seeing his Facebook statuses makes me have doubts.

He seems to have a lot of friends his age that seem NT, and his Facebook statuses are full of recent pictures of him at parties, nightclubs, stag parties, restaurants, etc, with a group of friends.
But when I last saw him he said that everyone else has more of a social life than he does, but according to his Facebook page it looks like he has more of a social life than some NTs that I know (and myself, of course).

Yes I know people say that Facebook is fake and that people in photos at social events are really unhappy and lonely in real life, but how can this really be so? And how can a possible Aspie (and he's always been a socially awkward introvert) have the mental energy to keep up with attending all these parties and nightclubs, and be socially skilled enough to be accepted in a big group of party-loving social butterflies? Yes I know every Aspie is different but the main symptom of ASD is a social deficit of some sort, and no matter how mild or masked a social deficit is, it can still affect the way you make friends, what sort of friends you make, and what you do with your social life. I'm very high-functioning and my social deficits are only mild and I have learnt to mask and my social skills have improved, but I still don't have a large group of NT friends in my age group that include me in all these big social events. If anything I just get excluded, which hurts so, so much.

Sorry to generalise the Aspie community, but I just cannot figure out what some Aspies with huge social lives have that I don't.

maybe he's known them for a long time. i'm a completely different person around people i've known for years vs complete strangers. (i like some manifestations better than others)

is it the same group of friends? totally possible that he's gotten close to them enough over time that he's comfortable and secure in doing things with them - such as going to "parties, nightclubs, stag parties, restaurants, etc" - things he wouldn't like doing on his own or with anyone else.

i mean that's what happened to me. until they all MOVED AWAY i used to hang out with my small group all the time, meanwhile with anyone else eye contact is still excruciating

I’ve never been into socializing in that matter.

I am a dull, boring Wolfman.

It just throws me how he does it. I'm an extroverted Aspie, but even I can't socially accomplish what he does.

My mum says I'm being jealous but I don't think I'm being jealous. I can't think of the correct word for how I feel about this but it isn't jealousy or envy as such.

I agree with Kip. I have a small group of friends I used to work with and we go out for a curry once a month. It's usually fine, but if anyone invites someone else it's excruciating. It's been happening a lot lately and I'm thinking of quitting.

I’d prefer fish and chips myself......

If an ASD person makes socializing a Focus it can be done. I had a time that I was social appearing (trying different groups). One of the ASD memoirs I read was written by a past cheerleader. Oh, wait, I could have done it recently if I wanted: I went to a bunch of holiday parties. People have always said about me: "Everybody knows Sharon!" And yet.... sigh. I scored 4% for social "normalcy". I don't call them, they don't call me? If a made an effort I have no doubt I could appear as social as your relative, but it would be transitory or at a price.

The truth is at parties and nightclubs you don’t have to have good social skills. It’s loud and people are often intoxicated so they don’t care if your eye contact is off or you can’t keep small talk going or whatever. When I was younger I spent a lot of time at nightclubs, raves, and parties and I’ve always been an introvert. My nervous system could only handle it because I would drink or do drugs. I would go with my boyfriend and another friend or two and the people I went with would be friends with more of the people there and I was sort of part it but all of those other people I was friendly with weren’t friends that I had to keep relationships going with. I think that’s what I liked about it. I could go out, get wasted, dance and feel like I was part of something when in reality I wasn’t really a part of it like all of those other people were. The larger group of people were my acquaintances but they were friends with each other. Whenever any of these acquantances would invite me to a group dinner I would have anxiety attacks and either couldn’t make myself go or I would have a few drinks before I went. I couldn’t keep friendships going with my few friends but I’m probably in many photos from that time, surrounded by people.

Now that I’m older with less energy and sober and understand what masking is there’s no way I could handle being in those situations again. I’ve always had limited energy and when I was partying/socializing more often I couldn’t have anything else going on in my life, using up my brain power. When I went back to university I had to stop socialing completely.

That’s my experience. Maybe he’s got something similar going on. I’m not diagnosed either but I’ve obsessively researched the topic and I can’t ignore how well AS fits me.

I just get so upset about it because being excluded and left out is the story of my life. About a year ago I worked with 4 other people all in their twenties, so we were all similar age. I got on well with them as a group. But this Halloween event was coming up that they got 6 tickets for, and it wasn't a party or drinking thing, it was more of a fun event that was like an intense version of a ghost train but for adults and teens, and I would have loved to have gone to that. I overheard them talking about having one ticket left over and I didn't want to dive into their conversation and invite myself, but it would have been nice if they'd asked me. The next day I asked one of them if they had got a sixth person yet, and she said they had asked this girl who I knew before they did, just because one of them had a crush on her even though she was happily married. I hinted that I'd like to have gone, but she just said, "well, it's past the deadline to buy a ticket, maybe you go another year with your boyfriend". But I know that wasn't my boyfriend's sort of thing, also it would have been nice to be included and invited out to a fun event like that with my colleagues. It would feel like a social achievement and a chance to get to know them more outside of work. But no, I don't even get thought of.
The following Monday all they did was talk about how much fun they had, and I had to hide how hurt and depressed I felt. It still hurts to this day.

I’m sorry Joe. It is hard. When I was socializing with those people I thought they were my friends but now I realize they weren’t. I was hiding my issues from them and from myself. There were small signs that I ignored like when someone from that group would have a house party and I’d see photos of it or hear other people talk about it but I hadn’t been invited. Looking back I was always on the outside but in my delusional head I didn’t realize it.

Even though I am well known, my experience is the same as yours: not invited. Once my boss was talking about an afterhours BBQ that "everyone" goes to. Am I supposed to say "hey, invite me to the next one?" Probably not, I'm supposed to be part of the "circle" somehow. Would I want to go? No, not really, although individually I would find some of the participants interesting. Even my ASD co-worker met other co-workers off hours --- not me. I'm the outsider of outsiders.

When you’ve met one Aspie, you’ve met one Aspie. The Aspie I met the other day is fairly outgoing and people obviously like him, but I could tell from other traits and quirks he has that he is definitely on the Spectrum.

He seemed to have an easier time socially because he wasn’t too worried about following social rules and was fine with being himself.

I tend to get anxious and clam up which inhibits my ability to make friends.

I swing both social leanings for some weird reasons...

Like varying issues; not every aspie can afford it.
Other than simply seeing one aspie means one aspie in terms of their personal placement and individual differences...


Some aspies, can afford sociality despite being asocial (which is my own case being) and leaning towards introversion.
Some aspies, cannot afford sociality despite being socially driven and leaning towards extroversion.

The latter's unfairly and definitely unluckier.
If you happened to be the latter; what can you do about it, really?


So what are the odds an aspie can truly afford the sociality that can match and accommodate their social drive, wants and needs?
What are the odds an aspie cannot?
And what are the odds an aspie who has a lot to spare yet chose not to do so?

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