Are my feelings justified or am I overreacting?

Page 1 of 2 [ 23 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

27 Feb 2020, 1:50 am

I have a friend whom I've known for a few years. I met her at the university I was attending and we became close (occassionally intimate) friends until she moved back to China. I would say we had a pretty good relationship for the most part and we'd always try our best to help each other with our problems, whether they were academic, work-related or social.

Anyway, we lost touch for over a year after she moved back but started talking again through social media over the last couple months. Turns out we had both been going through pretty dark times over the past year or so and were suffering from depression so we had a lot to talk about. We were talking nearly every day and had been discussing the possibility of visiting each other. I told her I had recently been considering visiting her since I missed her a lot and she said she she had considering moving back to Canada for a while since she missed me too (as well as her other friends and Canada in general). I was starting to make plans to go there (the plan was to stay with her for a couple weeks and then travel back to Canada together where she would stay at my apartment until she found a permanent place) but my plans got waylaid due to me needing to apply for a Chinese visa and then, of course, the Coronavirus.

We continued to keep in contact, however, and she kept telling me how much she liked me, possibly even more than a friend, and brought up the possibility of dating since she found me more attractive than before due to her perceiving me as different than what she remembered. She would also repeatedly bring up how lonely and bored she was there because of the virus and how excited she was to come here (even though she still needed a visa and wasn't sure when it would arrive).

Long story short, she told me on very short notice that she would be arriving in a couple days and that her friend would be picking her up at the airport but that I could meet her there too if I wanted. Unfortunately, her friend ended up bailing on her because she was nervous about getting infected so it was just me meeting her at the airport and taking the bus and subway back to my place. Problem was, once she saw my place, she said she didn't want to stay there anymore. She claimed it was too messy, that she couldn't breathe (it's a basement so it gets a bit mildewy but I'm so used to it I don't notice anymore), that it was like a cave (idk, low ceilings perhaps), that she didn't like anything about it and wouldn't be able to live there no matter what. As well, I didn't have a bed for her yet due to the short notice and the fact that it would need to be delivered but she had told me earlier that she was ok with it since I'd still be able to make other accommodations. I told her I'd be able to make modifications to the place to better accommodate her (though, tbh, there's only so many changes that can be made) but she still refused and said it would be impossible, and started searching online for other places to stay.

I felt very hurt and offended by this sudden turn in events and immediately became sullen and withdrawn (which I tend to do when things of this nature occur). After realizing that it might be more difficult than she expected to find a place in just one night, she asked if she could stay at my place that night but I was so taken aback by what she said earlier that I said I didn't feel comfortable with her staying over if that's the way she felt. I later took it back when I saw how much difficulty she was having finding something and said she could stay but she kept saying it was ok because she didn't want to make me uncomfortable. It also bothered me that she called her friend up shortly after and told her repeatedly that she was off to a bad start because she had "no place to stay", eventhough I kind of knew what she meant. She eventually found a place and I ended up paying for an Uber to pick her up since she didn't have a bank card yet.

So the question now is whether I was justified in my feelings or if I overreacted. I know she had the right to refuse to stay at my place but I was still shocked and now I have negative feelings towards her. Considering how much I had been helping her with emotional support, helped get her visa by writing a letter and paying her fingerprinting fee when she said her card didn't work (though she did pay me back after I reminded her about it), putting her up at my place and offering to buy her a bed, etc., I felt kind of used and taken advantage of. It also doesn't help that every place she stays at, the landlord has a no visitors policy (this is literally like the fifth time already since I've known her) and even though I've explained to her multiple times that it's literally illegal for a landlord to do that, she doesn't seem to care. So, basically every time we meet (if) it would have to be in public- can't watch tv, listen to music, have any private time- which is very different from how I thought it would be.

Last time she was here, I was frustrated that I didn't have my own place (I was still at my parents') and believed that it got in the way of us having a closer relationship. Now, it's like nothing has changed. Sometimes I feel regretful for not having gone to visit her when she offered to let me stay at her place, virus or not (the outbreak was very low in her region and I have a very strong immune system anyway); I keep thinking maybe things would've turned out differently but I guess I can't prove anything now.

*Of course, there's also the possibility that she was simply using me to get her Canadian visa (it's not exactly the first time this has happened with someone but the first case was a little more complicated and ambiguous) and that now she doesn't need me anymore so doesn't have any need to stay with me, which she may consider an imposition. I mean, one of the first things she mentioned to me when I contacted her was how much she had been wanting to come back to Canada and later admitted that she tried earlier but wasn't allowed. But I'd rather not have to draw that conclusion.



Last edited by GammaRayBob on 27 Feb 2020, 2:49 am, edited 3 times in total.

Karamazov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,979
Location: Rural England

27 Feb 2020, 2:37 am

Well, if she’s been longing to return to Canada and all her friends (including you) then she’s probably been daydreaming to a certain extent of how great it will be.
Being confronted with a cellar apartment with a bit of disrepair and in need of a little tidying after a long, tiring flight was probably disappointing: which is natural.

And on your side, you’ve been looking forward to your friend returning, even having hopes of possible romance: her disappointment & tiredness will naturally have been hurtful for you, particularly when you’ve been willing to improvise outside of your tenancy contract to make her move possible.

Not the best start it’s true, but a little calm honesty, compassion and forgiveness for hurt feelings should smooth it over.

As far as the ”using for immigration” theme goes, it’s not impossible, but it is natural to turn to your friends for help when enacting such a massive life change: I’d err on the side of generosity of spirit on that one.
If she really was out to use you for a visa, she probably wouldn’t have risked offending you by being honest about her disappointment.

File the thought away carefully, but don’t dwell on it. Then do what you can to mend hurt feelings and enjoy your friend.



traven
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 30 Sep 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 14,574

27 Feb 2020, 3:13 am

i do not immediately sense emigration, but somewhat you weren't the nbr one destiny
depending how you steer the conversation and with the interpretation of flattering statements that might not mean much, but a form of politeness, taken too personal

in the neutral light of accomodating a traveller, bringing her to your place was a mistake, then there's not even a bed, what would you expect she'd think of that

making a reservation at a place to stay the night would've been appropriate

better luck in the future



GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

27 Feb 2020, 3:32 am

Karamazov wrote:
Well, if she’s been longing to return to Canada and all her friends (including you) then she’s probably been daydreaming to a certain extent of how great it will be.
Being confronted with a cellar apartment with a bit of disrepair and in need of a little tidying after a long, tiring flight was probably disappointing: which is natural.

And on your side, you’ve been looking forward to your friend returning, even having hopes of possible romance: her disappointment & tiredness will naturally have been hurtful for you, particularly when you’ve been willing to improvise outside of your tenancy contract to make her move possible.

Not the best start it’s true, but a little calm honesty, compassion and forgiveness for hurt feelings should smooth it over.

As far as the ”using for immigration” theme goes, it’s not impossible, but it is natural to turn to your friends for help when enacting such a massive life change: I’d err on the side of generosity of spirit on that one.
If she really was out to use you for a visa, she probably wouldn’t have risked offending you by being honest about her disappointment.

File the thought away carefully, but don’t dwell on it. Then do what you can to mend hurt feelings and enjoy your friend.


Ok, I'm not sure if it's a colloquial British thing but my place isn't a "cellar"... a cellar is for storing items. The basement I rent is larger than many full-size apartments, has two bedrooms, a den, bathroom and kitchen. Hardly a cellar by any stretch. And it wasn't all that messy either, I did a lot of cleaning before she arrived. Not spotless but hardly messy. I also showed her what it looked like on video chat over a month ago so she obviously knew. I think she even said it was nice. You could argue that she was just being polite but then why not be polite when you're actually staying at the place or, better yet, not agree in advance to stay there at all if you really didn't like it?

Also, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "generosity of spirit". As in hers? Like for asking for my help? When I asked her if she had anyone else who could help her, she made it pretty clear that I was basically the only one or at least that it would be much more difficult to ask anyone else. I was still happy to help her but I'm aware that there must've been at least some modicum of desperation on her part.

Last, by the time she had arrived at my place, it was too late for me to not help her with her visa issues so there would've been no risk in offending me at that point. It's not like I could've taken her visa away from her.



GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

27 Feb 2020, 3:41 am

traven wrote:
i do not immediately sense emigration, but somewhat you weren't the nbr one destiny
depending how you steer the conversation and with the interpretation of flattering statements that might not mean much, but a form of politeness, taken too personal

in the neutral light of accomodating a traveller, bringing her to your place was a mistake, then there's not even a bed, what would you expect she'd think of that

making a reservation at a place to stay the night would've been appropriate

better luck in the future


Thanks very much for your input. Unfortunately, I could barely understand a single thing you wrote in your first paragraph. As for not having a bed, I told her in advance there was no bed at the moment and she said she was ok with it. She also said that if I had already bought a bed for her, it would've been really bad because she had no intention of staying there, bed or not.

Better luck in the future.



Karamazov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,979
Location: Rural England

27 Feb 2020, 4:29 am

GammaRayBob wrote:
Karamazov wrote:
Well, if she’s been longing to return to Canada and all her friends (including you) then she’s probably been daydreaming to a certain extent of how great it will be.
Being confronted with a cellar apartment with a bit of disrepair and in need of a little tidying after a long, tiring flight was probably disappointing: which is natural.

And on your side, you’ve been looking forward to your friend returning, even having hopes of possible romance: her disappointment & tiredness will naturally have been hurtful for you, particularly when you’ve been willing to improvise outside of your tenancy contract to make her move possible.

Not the best start it’s true, but a little calm honesty, compassion and forgiveness for hurt feelings should smooth it over.

As far as the ”using for immigration” theme goes, it’s not impossible, but it is natural to turn to your friends for help when enacting such a massive life change: I’d err on the side of generosity of spirit on that one.
If she really was out to use you for a visa, she probably wouldn’t have risked offending you by being honest about her disappointment.

File the thought away carefully, but don’t dwell on it. Then do what you can to mend hurt feelings and enjoy your friend.


Ok, I'm not sure if it's a colloquial British thing but my place isn't a "cellar"... a cellar is for storing items. The basement I rent is larger than many full-size apartments, has two bedrooms, a den, bathroom and kitchen. Hardly a cellar by any stretch. And it wasn't all that messy either, I did a lot of cleaning before she arrived. Not spotless but hardly messy. I also showed her what it looked like on video chat over a month ago so she obviously knew. I think she even said it was nice. You could argue that she was just being polite but then why not be polite when you're actually staying at the place or, better yet, not agree in advance to stay there at all if you really didn't like it?

Also, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "generosity of spirit". As in hers? Like for asking for my help? When I asked her if she had anyone else who could help her, she made it pretty clear that I was basically the only one or at least that it would be much more difficult to ask anyone else. I was still happy to help her but I'm aware that there must've been at least some modicum of desperation on her part.

Last, by the time she had arrived at my place, it was too late for me to not help her with her visa issues so there would've been no risk in offending me at that point. It's not like I could've taken her visa away from her.


Yeah: in British English cellar means the both storey below ground in a domestic building, regardless of its size and use, and a below ground storage place in a domestic building/small business premises.
Basement in British English means the below ground storage of a large institutional building... the image I get in my head at the word is a big dark modern concrete space full of service machinery and supplies.
(And that’s dictionary not colloquial: different country, different usages).

Well, you said she found it messy: trying I know but she must have different ideas in this regard to you.
(Not seeking to imply any right or wrong there, merely observing that her perception is her perception: regardless of how much effort you put in... frustrating I know, come across that one regularly with my wife)
And yes! She could very well have been being polite when you showed her over video link: prioritising your happiness with l your home and not challenging that with her private opinion wouldn’t be surprising behaviour from a human who cares about you.

By generosity of spirit I meant that she’s just uprooted her entire life and moved a about a third of a way around the world, that’s an enormous decision: I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s got loads of doubts and self-questioning going on under the surface that are emerging sideways (humans do that: yes, it is frustrating, but you may as well object to the sea being wet)

Generosity of spirit on your part. She’s just torn up her life in her homeland and turned to you for support in fashioning a new one: she’s probably on high anxiety about it. Bear it in mind.



Teach51
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2019
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,808
Location: Where angels do not fear to tread.

27 Feb 2020, 4:54 am

I see it from a different perspective, a less benevolent one. Lady wants desperately to escape the Corona virus and all its restrictive implications. She took advantage of your help which was enormous, providing a visa, enabling her to enter Canada without forced quarantine ( she wouldn't have been admitted to my country at all.) A roof over her head ( massive help for heavens sake, with her coming from the den of Corona)
You have provided refuge. She has given you false romantic hopes and is completely devoid of gratitude for the risks (yes) you have taken and the lengths you have gone to assist her. Ungrateful, rude, spoilt, insensitive perhaps she is even manipulating this whole escape fron . In the NT world she would have been politely or impolitely shown the door for her total lack of appreciation and rudeness, this is, after all your home and she is throwing your hospitality back in your face. I would have checked her in to a hotel at her expense. Not worthy of your love, admiration or kindness in my view.

Edit: half this post will not appear for some reason. Escape from the sickness and quarantine, should be. If its back then consider this double emphasis.


_________________
My best will just have to be good enough.


Fireblossom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jan 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,577

27 Feb 2020, 9:38 am

Completely justified, but please don't be too hard on her, either. There might be some cultural differences at the picture and you did say you've both had it hard recently, right? She's probably under a lot of stress.

Of course, the possibility that she is using you also exists. Don't do anything hasty, but keep it in mind when you interract with her. If she has the habit of contacting you when she needs something but not any other time then that's a bad sign.



GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

27 Feb 2020, 9:00 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Completely justified, but please don't be too hard on her, either. There might be some cultural differences at the picture and you did say you've both had it hard recently, right? She's probably under a lot of stress.

Of course, the possibility that she is using you also exists. Don't do anything hasty, but keep it in mind when you interract with her. If she has the habit of contacting you when she needs something but not any other time then that's a bad sign.


It's hard to say if that's the case... I just know that I did used to help her a lot with her work and other stuff when she was here but I wouldn't exactly call it using, even if it was. And she did say that she tried to come here in October but wasn't permitted so she definitely needed my help this time. It's just now things are awkward between us and I'm not sure if there's even a friendship anymore after our last conversation.

There's also a bit of an elephant in the fact that I found out from a Facebook post that she was here last year for her graduation (I don't know for how long) and didn't contact me. Maybe she had her reasons but I never brought it up with her, possibly because I didn't want to hear the answer.



hariboci
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2020
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 121

28 Feb 2020, 8:15 am

It's difficult to say who is right and wrong, because we can see only your thoughts and feelings.
Whether she used you or not, I cannot really say. But one thing what nobody mentioned in this thread yet: when you are desperate, lonely, depressed etc and someone reach out for you, I think many people tend to idolize that person and start to develop romantic feelings (girls at least very often do that, you know the typical "hero who saved me"). There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality can be different i.e. when you finally meet.
Also seeing someone and something via webcam is so different. Even if you guys knew each other before. Whether she liked your apartment before entering or not, and changed her mind when seeing and smelling in live - only she can say that. Messy indeed means different for people, I remember when I visited a friend who said he just tidied up and his whole flat looked like some nomad family would camp over there, big piles of clothes, magazines, objects everywhere.

Answering your question: she was still impolite or maybe even hysteric. :roll: If you come on a short notice and someone invites you to his place it's very rude to express your feelings with these words. I would have been offended the same way like you were. And my reaction would have been the same, because she hurt my pride.
At the end you both hurt the other (yes, she started it)
And yes, probably she was and is very stressed out. Let her calm down a bit and try to talk to her again some later time. Maybe she really didn't like something in your flat or she remembered you as a different man (webcam truly distorts things) look wise, but too polite to mention that.

Hope this story will have a happy ending


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 73 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,507
Location: Indiana

28 Feb 2020, 8:47 am

I guess if I was going to give any advice it would be, "Walk with eyes wide open".

The first thing that entered my thoughts was "Is she a carrier?" Does she have the coronavirus?

I suspect that her visa was predicated on you providing her support during her stay. Refusing to stay with you upon her arrival is rude but it also seems to break this governmental commitment.


_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."


GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

28 Feb 2020, 7:50 pm

hariboci wrote:
It's difficult to say who is right and wrong, because we can see only your thoughts and feelings.
Whether she used you or not, I cannot really say. But one thing what nobody mentioned in this thread yet: when you are desperate, lonely, depressed etc and someone reach out for you, I think many people tend to idolize that person and start to develop romantic feelings (girls at least very often do that, you know the typical "hero who saved me"). There is nothing wrong with that, but the reality can be different i.e. when you finally meet.
Also seeing someone and something via webcam is so different. Even if you guys knew each other before. Whether she liked your apartment before entering or not, and changed her mind when seeing and smelling in live - only she can say that. Messy indeed means different for people, I remember when I visited a friend who said he just tidied up and his whole flat looked like some nomad family would camp over there, big piles of clothes, magazines, objects everywhere.

Answering your question: she was still impolite or maybe even hysteric. :roll: If you come on a short notice and someone invites you to his place it's very rude to express your feelings with these words. I would have been offended the same way like you were. And my reaction would have been the same, because she hurt my pride.
At the end you both hurt the other (yes, she started it)
And yes, probably she was and is very stressed out. Let her calm down a bit and try to talk to her again some later time. Maybe she really didn't like something in your flat or she remembered you as a different man (webcam truly distorts things) look wise, but too polite to mention that.

Hope this story will have a happy ending


Thanks, this was very insightful. She did invite me to dinner the following night but I told her to reschedule for the next day because I wasn't ready in time and she needed to be back by a certain time as she didn't have her key yet. When I asked her about visiting her place and she said she wasn't allowed to have guests, we started arguing and haven't spoken since. I'm not sure if this is going to have a happy ending.



GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

28 Feb 2020, 9:20 pm

jimmy m wrote:
I guess if I was going to give any advice it would be, "Walk with eyes wide open".

The first thing that entered my thoughts was "Is she a carrier?" Does she have the coronavirus?

I suspect that her visa was predicated on you providing her support during her stay. Refusing to stay with you upon her arrival is rude but it also seems to break this governmental commitment.


Thanks, but contracting the virus was never a concern of mine since I typically don't worry about those things and assumed she wasn't a carrier if they let her through.

Also, I don't believe there was any contractual obligation to stay at my place as it was supposed to be only temporary until she found her own place. I was merely trying to do her a favour by making things easier for her and understood that it was something she would want to do.



jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,507
Location: Indiana

29 Feb 2020, 12:23 am

GammaRayBob wrote:
Also, I don't believe there was any contractual obligation to stay at my place as it was supposed to be only temporary until she found her own place. I was merely trying to do her a favour by making things easier for her and understood that it was something she would want to do.


Was your name used as a sponsor on her visa request form?


_________________
Author of Practical Preparations for a Coronavirus Pandemic.
A very unique plan. As Dr. Paul Thompson wrote, "This is the very best paper on the virus I have ever seen."


hariboci
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2020
Age: 49
Gender: Female
Posts: 121

29 Feb 2020, 1:08 am

GammaRayBob wrote:
When I asked her about visiting her place and she said she wasn't allowed to have guests, we started arguing and haven't spoken since. I'm not sure if this is going to have a happy ending.

For me it seems she changed her mind and doesn't want to stay privately with you :cry: It happens, as I said before the reality is different as you imagined before. I changed my mind often too in the past 8O
If you can accept that (at least right now) there won't be any romantic thingie or "close contact", and still want to stay friends, try to only ask her how is she doing, is everything fine. And later ask her out to public place. It can happen that you two will be only friends, but friendship is still great if you don't have any feelings for her.



GammaRayBob
Raven
Raven

Joined: 9 Oct 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 107

29 Feb 2020, 3:47 am

jimmy m wrote:
GammaRayBob wrote:
Also, I don't believe there was any contractual obligation to stay at my place as it was supposed to be only temporary until she found her own place. I was merely trying to do her a favour by making things easier for her and understood that it was something she would want to do.


Was your name used as a sponsor on her visa request form?


I don't know, I didn't see the forms. All I know is that I wrote her a letter of relationship proof, saying that I knew her for a couple years. That's about it.