Why Do People Refuse To Practice Social Skills?

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I understand that many of us struggle with social skills, yet some of us seem prone to flinching away from any sort of social interactions that might lead to improving our social skills?

Has anyone here gotten good at something without practising it?
Well, why would one expect social skills to work differently?

If you have poor social skills, more social interaction is the only path towards improvement.

In my case, back when I thought it was just "social anxiety" I had, I spent 8 solid years manically grinding away at becoming more social. Result: burnt-out wreck with social skills no better than when I started.

Changing my gender presentation to match my voice and mannerisms has made it much easier to socialize!
Seems obvious but it took me decades to figure out!

Trying to match my birth gender put me in the "uncanny valley" between male and female.

Last edited by BTDT on 17 Apr 2025, 8:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's a strong case for finding a healthy balance, but not a case for just giving up and moping like some people seem prone to.

It's always been hard for me to separate "social skills" from "masking". For a while I tried to learn social skills until I could talk to someone for a couple minutes and (I like to think) sound almost normal. But I didn't enjoy these conversations and I didn't feel like I was connecting with these people. The first time I did enjoy a conversation and feel like I was connecting was with an autistic person who, I realized, was conversing exactly how I would if I hadn't tried to learn social skills. That was when I realized I wasn't just learning social skills, I was masking, and I needed to stop if I ever wanted to actually connect with people. That friend and I always have very unorthodox conversations that we both enjoy. I still practice basic politeness, especially with people like professors where the point isn't just to chat, but that mostly amounts to not being a jerk, rather than trying to be like everyone else.

My point is that social skills haven't really helped me very much. What's helped me is finding people who don't care if my social skills aren't good.

The people who are practicing and having social lives are taking action, so you don't see them here as often. The people who aren't are making 50 vent topics a month on here.

yep, that's the rational argument

Like with any skill, people want to have the skill, but still don't like to put in the work. It's why some ppl invent narratives that assert that NTs are "just born with" the ability to socialize, or that people with skill are "just born with" natural abilities, rather than it being from lots and lots and lots of practice - thus absolving them of the need to even try. It's always easier to wish or want than it is to work.

An important note about effort and practice - the practice has to be guided by people who know more than you do, or else you have no idea if you're doing the right thing, or doing the thing right. Practice does no good if you're practicing the wrong stuff.

Not all social cues or conventions can be deciphered via observation - that's why kids - or sometimes even adults - often have to have it explained to them why this or that was actually rude or impolite or inappropriate. But a lot of ppl also don't like feedback, or being corrected - or don't listen even when they do ask for feedback.

I'm also not even trying to argue that practice will make one good, only that it will make one better.

To be fair, the concepts might be overlapping circles. Like, a person could describe learning to mirror certain gestures, or other things that people do with people they are friendly towards as being forced to mask because they're uncomfortable with doing it, but at the same time that kinda just seems like not learning to signal to the other monkeys that you're part of their group.




I would say that learning to find people that you know how to engage well with is an important social skill. They also make it easier to learn to be yourself when talking to people. I'd say that's another important one.

Another one I'd say is to recognize that not connecting immediately with someone doesn't always mean one won't ever connect with them, especially if they're people you've come in contact with on an ongoing basis. I'm not saying that eventually a deep friendship will develop, but sometimes it takes awhile to notice where common ground exists.

I'd expect, now that you have a comfortable circle to engage with you'll be better able to recognize what's a social skill, what's masking and where they overlap for you. The benefits of the practice will likely carry forward even with people you don't connect with. Sometimes the benefit is just being better equipped to deal with an awkward, unpleasant or menacing interaction.

Some people believe that learning social skills is a form of abeleism. Athough being civil and learning to control your filter in certain settings are fine. Additionally, learning how to be mindful of others in that setting are also good.

When it comes to things like telling a person to stop masking as a part of the social skills, then it's abeleistic

IME - The more intelligent people are the less likely they are to regard your level of ability re social skills, as a good measure of whether you are worth knowing or not.

I've heard the idea that you need to be aggressive when you first meet someone so you don't get bullied in subsequent interactions. I think this is a distorted social skills born out of a toxic environment, and unwillingness to learn.But I don't have the ability to tell at a glance whether the environment is really friendly.

I too have spent way too long learning / "buliding a mask".
Though I have made a lot of progress, I am paranoid about my deficits, burnt-out, tired, and far behind in my career where I would have been if I had not spent so much time.

I may yet see rewards later, we shall see.

I have had a lot of practice over the years and I have come to the conclusion that autism is not just about a lack of social skills but prefering a different kind of communication style in social interactions. To get any enjoyment or benefit from social interactions with other people or friends you have to behave in a way that somewhat reflects you thoughts and feelings. If it's too much acting, performance and pretending in order to project a certain persona there's a point where the strive for "improvement" is pointless and even toxic.

I think it's wise to ignore anyone who wishes to argue that position.

Self-improvement is ableism is certainly a take, just not a worthwhile one. If they wish to self-sabotage their lives by not making any attempt to grow as a person, they're welcome to, but I wouldn't want to allow myself to be infected by that attitude.