Making friends: Is it worth the effort?

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I love having friends, but I hate meeting new people. I really wish I enjoyed it, but I don't. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm even capable of having a social life, and if I even really want one. Isn't making friends supposed to be easy, effortless, enjoyable? I feel like, by even having to try, I am failing. So why do I hate making friends?

1. Finding new people to meet is difficult.

Now, this is probably just a personal difficulty of mine, but some of you probably share it. I don't even know WHERE to meet people. Around here, all there really are for social gathering places are bars, and I really hate bars. Especially when you're a girl...going by yourself. No way. There don't seem to be any common interest groups around. I sometimes hang around places by myself, like Borders, coffee shops, or little niche stores, hoping to strike up a conversation with someone else who wanders in there by themselves. Generally I get ignored, and I usually end up leaving because I feel like a loser sitting there by myself.

2. The work required in making a new friend is huge.

Okay, so on the rare occasion I meet someone new, they almost always already have their own circle of friends, a job, and a boyfriend or girlfriend that keeps them with very little free time to get to know me. It's easy for me to make acquaintances, but not people who want to get to know me and go out and do things with me. In short, there is no real reason for a normal NT to want to make big changes to their life just because they met someone they thought was sort of cool to talk to.

3. Knowing virtually no one to begin with.

My social circle consists of about three acquaintance level friends from work. I notice that most of the people on this forum with the most social trouble are males. It seems like there really aren't any girls with NO friends, even here. If I even had one, I could drag them places with me in order to meet new people. Even the bar wouldn't be so bad. It's hard to get a social foothold when you know NO ONE. I'd like input from other girls here: Do ANY of you have the kind of difficulty I'm having, or am I really on my own out here? Seems like every girl but me has a big circle of friends she meets everyone else through...

4. It's boring, tedious, scary, and all around unenjoyable.

I rarely feel like socializing to begin with, especially leaving the house specifically for that reason. It truly feels like work to me. Work I don't get paid for, and leaves me without any kind of rewards.

Finding someone I really enjoy talking to is rare. I hate small talk. I hate it when people don't get my sense of humor and I have to explain my jokes. I'm very self conscious about being perceived as boring, weird, or creepy. So I spend most of my time talking to people I don't know being anxious, bored, or annoyed. I go home exhausted and feeling worse about myself than I started. I try to maintain a positive attitude and be my best self, but it almost always feels like any effort I put into making friends is entirely fruitless.

Can anyone shed some light on this for me? Do you relate to this? Do you have any ideas on how to make the process of getting a social life a little more pleasant? Maybe this belongs in The Haven, but I'm not really upset...just frustrated and would like some input from people who can relate.

I'll be your friend

Well I'd say Borders was a good bet, or other "coffeeshop/bookstore" if you're into books.... you didn't list interests on your profile, but that's my other suggestion, find some people who share your interests. A local club, or class maybe at a community college, or community center even. If it's applicable even a support group. I got lucky and found two dear friends who are closer to me than blood relatives, at work. But it took 15 years. If you're 'on the spectrum', and I see from your profile you aren't sure, and that is perfectly ok , you may find it easier to relate to, and to be friends with others on the spectrum. That's been my personal experience. I think you're quite right when you say women may have greater difficulty with this area than men, and I would caution you to BE SAFE AT ALL TIMES. Women who are on the spectrum can find themselves victimized by acquaintances because they weren't able to read warning signs an NT would have picked up. Another good place to find people is boards like this. It may be long distance and text only, but I've made good friends online playing MMORPG's, and we've kept in touch even though they've dropped out of the game. Good luck, and welcome.

i can relate to you 100%...i feel exactly the same way. i don't have any close friends, either. i did have one, but she moved to the other side of the country a year ago, and i've talked to her maybe 3 times since...and so i don't really consider her as much of a friend anymore. (i know, that sounds harsh, but i did try to make an effort to stay in contact, just didn't get much of the same in return.)

i've met another person recently who i think i could be good friends with eventually, and she i met through a job i had briefly...she showed up shopping at another job i had just got about 8 months later...and she wanted me to come to her birthday party that weekend...but i didn't, because it just felt kinda weird that i didn't see this person for a long time, she shows up out of the blue, and wants me to hang out (and at a bbq at her place with a whole lot of strangers i don't know?...ummm...no.) so i didn't wind up getting back to her for another six months. funny thing, i told her how i don't make friends easy because people just tend to find me a little 'strange' or they just don't like me for whatever reason...and she found that odd. (that actually made me feel good!) so now we're friends...and i really hope this one lasts.

i have made a friend online from here who i talk to somewhat regularly...not recently because he's been hibernating or something and i've been waiting for him to get back on im because we haven't talked in a while...*hint hint* but we still message on a regular basis. my hubby and i have plans to go to san francisco either this year or next for our holidays, and i'm going to actually get to meet him...it should be fun.

i as well do not have a lot of options on where to meet new people...i live in a small town with not a lot to do. so i really have no advice for you...sorry. just keep trying...eventually someone will make it easier for you to make friends with them, or you will just find someone who is easy to be friends with. hell, you can try me if you want.

but i do understand exactly how you feel.

Making friends...is it worth the effort?

Well to be honest, I don't think it's worth the effort.
Firstly, you have to actually make the friend. Then there is trying to keep them as friends, which is even harder.

I do like having online friends though. Real life friends can sometimes be too much work, though. Although I do want real life friend...the struggle for me personally is not worth it.

I can understand that, but how do you deal with the social stigma associated with having few or no friends?

Various people I've known have made me feel as though there was something seriously wrong with me because of my social habits. I guess I still haven't gotten over caring about what people think of me.

I don't want 20 friends, I agree with you that would be way too much work. But maybe...2 would be nice.

PS: Thanks for the suggestions everyone

I feel like I should be making more friends, but I don't feel it's worth the effort. I don't need friends as much as other people do. I'd be totally ok with hanging out with the few friends I have at college during the week, and then going home during the weekends. I realize that this would prevent me from deepening my existing friendships or making new ones, but the stress and boredom and confusion of making new friends doesn't seem worth it to me. I have a few friends from high school, and I'm basically ok with seeing them during school breaks and then just socializing with people whoa re more acquaintances than good friends at school. I hope I will make more friends once I'm in a job, but I really don't need outside socialization if I have somewhat to chat with in class or at work.

I think that it depends on the person.

Some people are content being alone,some need others in their lives,others are somewhere in between(like me).

If you want friends,go for it! If you are happy by yourself,I SALUTE you!


-SpaceCase

I'm at the point where i've found that most of my friends are through work. My best friend I met her less than a year ago at my old job and just seemed to click.

Sorry my ADHD has stopped me from replying sooner.

First you have some misconceptions. No bother, it is not anything extraordinary.

The main one is about opportunities. I think you have partially answered this. It isn't that there are no opportunities, but more that you are having difficulty accessing the right ones or finding people you relate to. Opportunities are always there or you can make them. When you get the opportunity (no pun) to look back in hindsight you'd probably find that you may have missed a few.

The second point I'm not going to lie, you do need to put the effort it. The good news it is time heals. Personally the way I did it was try to use what I had. I got out very little at the time. I was able to find people that I had something in common with online. It doesn’t have to be boring. The main thing they had in common is they were socially anxious and the site was to do with this, but also I was looking for people who shared my interests.

I would reply to meets and also try arranging some myself. I would recommend small improvised meets over large formal regular ones. Do feel free to go to formal meets just to try and familiarise, and maybe case out the people that you think you'd get on with.

If is really true that there is no special interests in you area you could maybe try making one. Before above I did actually try organizing a cook club from an ad put on a rental site similar to gumtree. It was a stab in the dark but I had nothing to loose. Hint on making an ad read up on copy writing. Also be prepared for odd responses. Keep you wits about you. Try to use common sense at all time. We did actually have one meet but I didn't feel I could relate to them, plus they didn't actually like each other, thus why there wasn't another meet. I also placed and ad for an art club, which go many more replies, except they were a lot more vague and odd and I felt I couldn’t go through with it at the time. I later did an art club with a friend for socially anxious people. It turns out it in not something that people wanted continually, but we may do it every now and then.

One thing that I can't recommend enough is none of the people I met knew each other that well. This seems to make it a bit easier somehow. I guess you are all meeting on the same level if you like. It is also a bit easier to manage if you are not a social butterfly because you are able to find people that don't need/have to see you every day and have their own stuff to do.

Know you limitations and possibly build on them. If you only think you can do an hour don’t commit to more than an hour. If you stay longer, all the better. You aren’t going to gel with everyone. To start of with you can’t put all you eggs in one basket, just got to thing with people sharing similar interests. Get to know people. Then seek out those that you get on with, try to have an objective/focus for meeting especially at the start.

Yes it can be very scary. Again you can improve with time. I would recommend a good CBT book, like Gillian Butler’s. While it isn’t written especially for AS it does help you deal with social anxiety (for whatever reason). There is quite bit I can say on the subject, but I don’t want to hijack the thread. You sound like you are not a total recluse. So that been given you already have something.

Hope that helps.

You are right, and I know that I have ignored, missed, or denied a lot of opportunities to meet people. This thread wasn't really about how I CAN'T meet people, it's about how it's DIFFICULT to meet people and I don't want to/don't feel I am able to put the necessary work in. I know it is hard work and I'll have to do most of the legwork myself, but I find it very hard to get motivated to do so. Don't worry about hijacking my thread, you have good suggestions and I'm glad to hear them. I guess I know what I need to do, but my level of social comfort and my nature makes me not want to do them. But you are absolutely right, all I can do is take it one step at a time and put the necessary work in.




I am quite uncomfortable with the idea of forming my own special interest group. I live in a very small town and I would either need to hold it in a nearby city and commute, or invite lots of strange people to my home. I decided that this year I am going to try to get better at noticing and seizing opportunities to meet people. Gradually as I get more comfortable and meet a few people it should become easier.

I am quite interested in behavioral therapy and I really think it could benefit me. I'm the type of person to look for solutions to problems instead of wallowing in them. I agree that there is no sense in whining - I need to either take action or accept my life the way it is. But I am not 100% happy and I don't want to sell myself short. I know I can do it....it's just a matter of getting a start.

there's over 6 billion people out there, it's kinda hard to avoid people..

no one has a stock number of friends. There's no reward for being a social butterfly (well, not financially, that is.., and no one's keeping score. So you don't have to make any more friends than you're comfortable with.

Just be friendly, pleasant, polite, and a little helpful, and you'll find people reciprocating. There's no set way to make them, you just find yourself with a few after a while.

Weird, last night I became worried I had written 'copyrighting' rather than 'copy writing' but it turn out I did write 'copy writing' the art of writing 'copy'.

Well I put some suggestions in there I don't want to put too much on you plate because it is easy to get overwhelmed by the big picture. Actually focusing on specific details one after another rather that the bigger picture is the way to go.

Coffee shop is not really a social opportunity unless you interest is coffee or you are a social butterfly. You do need to find opportunity where people have something in common with you. Although you might have to think a bit laterally.

Do you think you might be exaggerating about your town? If not you may have to travel to see people.

You need to find CBT that is roughly in the right ballpark then adapt it to you. That is crucial. Personally I had a shrink who had some training in it, however she actually put me on to some books. That may be a better option than hiring somebody, because they are not going to be with you the whole time, and they won't necessarily be better at coming up with ideas or know you better than you do. However I can see why people do, it can be a motivating factor having somebody to asses them each week, and if they are particular intuitive it can put a fresh perspective. Word of warning my friend was royally ripped off for a year. So make sure you ask them for accreditation and check the accreditation up with the charter, which can be done online nowadays. Maybe ask if the have recommendations. I believe CBT therapists are generally more willing to do that, because they don't have the same attitude to patients as say psychotherapy, which doesn't even record results. To start with CBT you need to have an identifiable and clearly defined problem, also you do need a bit of motivation. You might want to do something else to improve you motivation.

I tend to theorise that reason we have various 'oddities' as humans is because we exist in such high numbers.

It is very true what you say. I have a couple of close friends and I am happy with them. They have many more. One of them is rarely satisfied, even though he goes out every night and knows lots of people.

How do I deal with the social stigma? Well...heres the thing...I don't go to school or work at the moment, so there is no one around me to critisize me for having no friends.
I'm sure that if I were around people a lot of the time, I would feel differently and probably would want to make friends...but since my situation is not that, then why should I care?....answer: I shouldn't.

I can relate to your problem. I do have friends but not what most would call very close. I do agree that making and keeping friends do take a lot work but I think it is worth it. I have moved around a lot so I've had to start over each time with meeting new people and making friends. Even though, I hate not having the friends to do everything with, I have learned that I can do things by myself. It was not until I went away to university, that I realized how important my family had been for me, like having people to do things with on the weekend. So, I've started to put myself out there to meet new people at university and I'm slowing learning how keep friends, but it is slow process and takes time but it does pay off. Side note, I'm female also, so I know what you mean by the social stigma. So you are not the only one out there having the same problem.