Talking to people who are "more Aspie" than you

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Do you like it, or do you find it hard? I find it hard. This news kind of has me feeling down. If I can't relate to Aspies and I can't relate to NTs, who is left?!

Until recently I think I had never met a person who was more socially awkward than I was. Recently, I have met two of them. I previously thought I would like this, because they would be easier to talk to, and there would be less pressure. I was wrong. They are both clearly Aspies, and I am filling the NT role in the conversation. This has given me some perspective into how people must feel when they are talking to me (and other Aspies). I sometimes am embarrassed for them, irritated by them, or feel sympathy for them. I feel really guilty about this since I am supposed to be understanding of this kind of stuff since I am the same way!

Both of them talk to me pretty frequently. I think they feel more comfortable around me than other people because I am closer to their level of social comfort. Just the same, they're very hard to talk to. They say very weird things, segue off into obscure topics never to return, and do and say things that are totally socially inappropriate. They sometimes say interesting things, but it comes out so bargled and piecemeal that it's hard to string together a cohesive conversation. One is incredibly intelligent and gets so excited about what he is talking about that he stutters and repeats himself like fifty times. The other one is super friendly, almost so friendly that he is a caricature of a 1950s next door neighbor or something. He is my age but he talks like he is about 55. He is, in my opinion, very boring and annoying.

Do you think that Aspies also have a hard time relating to EACH OTHER because of how they are? Is there anything I can do to draw people like this out of their shell and make conversation a little more comfortable for the both of us? Is it wrong for me to be irritated by them when I suffer from a lack of social skills too? Is our lot in life to bore, annoy, and amuse all the NTs in the world?

Just some thoughts.

I know what you're saying. It feels so wierd to have more experiance in the social talk area than the person who has less experiance in the same thing.

Talking to Talking Heads topic

I have only met one admittedly Aspie person (a girl aged 20), in my life, and when I told her I was also Aspie we had a great old conversation, which is unusual for me since I have a hard time with oral speech.

I have met one other person who may have been Aspie but with whom I did not engage in conversation. I did not know what to say. It may well be difficult to speak to people who are less communicative, but I do not know if this makes them "more Aspie". Perhaps this young man (aged about 24) was just shy.

I am a woman in my fifties; perhaps this makes me "very boring and annoying"?

I know what you're talking about. Some Aspies (or suspected) I get along great with - it's like meeting a long lost friend. Others make me want to run when I see them coming. There's a guy I work with who drives me nuts. He stands too close (other people have complained about it too), interrupts private conversations, and is just all around annoying. I have no patience with people who annoy me so I just try and avoid him as much as possible.

Of course, then there are the Aspies who are just outright as*holes, but I guess that's a different topic...

Yeah, I suppose everyone is different. I usually get along with shy or introverted people splendidly. I guess being an Aspie doesn't automatically make a person someone I'm going to get along with better.

By the way, please don't think I'm bashing Aspies - I'm just telling what these two individuals are like.

I share at least some of their qualities! I know I'm very boring and annoying to lots of people myself, always weird, often awkward, and occasionally a rude and ornery old bag .

I found out quite recently that my best friend is an even bigger Aspie than I am. We met each other online some time ago and we've been inseparable since then, even though most of our conversations are done online and we have only hung around each other in real life twice. On both occasions, it became very apparent to me that she was an Aspie as well, but she is still in denial about it despite all the signs and the fact that her younger sister has autism as well.

Anyway, I do find the interaction more hard than likeable. I do like hanging out with her, otherwise she wouldn't be my friend in the first place, but it gets very difficult and stressful for me more often than I'd be able to put up with due to all the things she credits to "habits" which I happen to find extremely annoying.

Offline, she is much more awkward in terms of eye contact than I am -- she recently stayed at my house for two weeks and I realized only by the end of it that not once did she look at me, which I found to be perplexing since I thought I was the worst when it came to it, but even I try to make an effort whenever I get the chance. She also likes wandering off into other topics and changing the subject even though the discussion is nowhere near finished, and this irritates me a lot particularly when it's an important matter that needs some concrete answers. Then there's the extreme pickiness over food, which may or may not be an Aspie thing, but it makes things very awkward for me since I am rather picky with my food choices as well but am willing to adjust to a certain extent while she absolutely refuses to budge, which I find to be a bit offensive even though I know she doesn't mean to cause any harm.

I feel bad for feeling irritated or angry about other Aspies who are more socially awkward than I am, but at the same time I see it as an opportunity to lean more on the NT side out of sheer necessity. This way, I end up learning more while adjusting to their own level of comfort.

All I can say is don't feel bad about what you are feeling. It just says you have mild Aspergers. I have experienced identical feelings after meeting several other Aspies and could not entirely relate to any of them. As bad as it sounds to say this yes their awkwardness in public situations embarrassed me in ways I must embarrass my NT friends. I just could not deal with that plus having the same conversation every single time I was around another AS...its like I've heard this story before... plus some of them have this strange language they have created. There's actually a word for that strange language, but at the moment I forget the name of it, but its something people with brain damage sometimes do. My therapist told me to just understand that it means I have mild AS and not to feel bad if I cannot relate to other AS I have met because its really not required of me too. As she said "they can't help it; its just the way they are & if you can't stand to be around them then don't." So that's my advice to you. And just use everything you've noticed about them as a learning experience for you on how not to act in public.

PS: My therapist also told me with having mild AS it is harmful for me to be around worse AS people and that I should stick with NT's. And for what its worth--that's her professional opinion, not mine. I'm still up in the air as to my feelings. I feel kinda guilty about the whole thing still.

Yes, definitely! It's not something I am proud of, either. It's basically a matter of survival. Having been shunned and picked on by NT peers all my life, I soon learned that if I wanted to be accepted then I had to cut myself free from anyone else who was not socially accepted. It doesn't always work, because the NT world has ways of letting us know what we are just in case we should ever forget. I am sorry, but I don't enjoy being treated as a second-class citizen, and I feel very threatened by someone who puts my present--somewhat accepted--position in jeopardy.

There is a single man in my neighborhood who clearly displays Asperger's traits. Everyone feels sorry for him but because he frequently behaves in a loud, obnoxious manner, no one really wants to be around him. A while back I had an embarrassing episode which Dave found out about. Ever since then, whenever he sees me, he broadcasts this to all listening, no matter who the audience is. Needless to say, some of my neighbors, who don't know the first thing about Aspergers but know that there is something "different" about me, think that Dave and I would make a great pair. since we are "both single." It just so happens that I am not "in the market" for a boyfriend, but if I was, having Dave in the picture is not going to help me attract the kind of person I want to attract. I am sorry, but as my neighbors constantly point out, you are who you associate with. I have worked very hard to get where I am at; I'm not going to throw it away out of misguided pity.

So, I guess I would say that there are certain Aspy traits and behaviors I have zero tolerance for. I know I am not perfect in the social arena, but I do try to "tone down" things that are pointed out to me as being not socially desirable. For those of you who think I am being too harsh, all I can say was that I am very much a product of my age and upbringing. I did not--and still do not--have it easy by any means. I fought every step of the way for the right to live independently and to make my own decisions, I still fight. It has taken a great deal of courage just to log onto Wrong Planet as it goes against EVERYTHING I was taught.

This is a good topic! I have often had these thoughts myself, and felt badly. But maybe we are being too hard on ourselves, by thinking that just because we are Aspies ourselves, that we can empathize with other Aspies. I have several siblings on the spectrum. When I talk to them on the phone, the conversations veer all over the place, and God forbid if we've something important to discuss. We just never get to the point. I have also hung around with other Aspies who embarrassed me in public, with observations or stimming that appeared odd to others. But it was a mixture of embarrassment and sympathy, which is progress, for me!

i myself can be very tangential, but i HATE when other people are if they then DO NOT RETURN to the first topic. it makes me very frustrated and the conversation takes a lot more work and energy that way, since i am compelled to remember all sorts of irrelevant fragments of thought that they will not come back to and explain properly.

sometimes bargled piecemeal appeals to me, because i feel clever when i can follow it.

i haven't talked with enough Aspies to be able to really know, but i think that it is not any easier than conversation with more "normal" people. Normal-people-talk follows rules, so that is easier, but it can also be very fake and boring, which is depressing. I think i sometimes find Aspie conversations to be depressing, because even though they are not fake, i don't relate to them either.

so yes, i also feel that i do not relate to either. (but that doesn't mean i relate to you! )

I'd have to know some first. Aside from the present company, I know of only 1 other aspie, and he's 15. I doubt I'll every meet him. Only other autistic I've ever met was LFA, mute, and just got on my last nerve, bless his heart. He's probably in his early 20s by now, but was a danger to himself and others, so he's under supervision, somewhere.

Aside from that, I probably know some Aspies, although they don't admit it, or don't know it. I just try to treat everyone the same, and hope for the best.

I think Hartzofspace has it right. Why should we expect ourselves to get along with other Aspies just because we're on the spectrum too?

Then you can look at it another way Aspies generally all have issues with interpersonal relationships, so why would you expect someone like that to get on well with another person who has the same problem? Reminds me of the adults of autistic kids who try to insist the Aspie adults all form a club. Just because we have the same developmental disorder why should that mean we all have to "play together"? Its like expecting all people that have diabetes to all love each other and be friends. Some people click when they are together and some don't. Life is just like that.

ClosetAspy- I've been dealing with the same thing. There's two very weird AS guys at work that have tried to ask me out and I've had several people remark how "cute" we would be together. Yeah if that's the case why doesn't one of those women date these guys? Truth is no one can stand to be around them because they are embarrassing. One acts like a 4 yr old and yells across the room and the other is so shrill voiced, sissy and follows women around like a puppy that its pathetic. And nope I'm not in the market for a boyfriend anyway.

I have enough trouble not drawing attention to myself so I don't need someone even further down the spectrum chasing after me drawing even more attention. My tolerance of others is very low so it doesn't take much to turn me off.

I've chatted on the Internet with Aspies who sounded like extroverted NTs and who made me feel self-conscious about my social interaction with them. On the other hand, about three people I've met on WP were observably unusual, from their text chats.

Most interesting is one young woman from WP with a door closer as her avatar. She's just three years older than me but she sounds like a sixty year old retired male mechanic at times. She can sometimes be girly and silly, but then she seems /younger/ than her age.

I feel guilty for admitting it, but I've shunned people in the past who I thought weren't good enough for me or would drag me down with them by association. I've tried on various occasions to not care what anyone else thinks but inevitably social pressures get the better of me. So that' makes me just as bad as all the people that do the same to me. That thought I find more than slightly depressing but I guess it's human nature.

I haven't spent time with many other aspies, however I have two very dear friends who work in special education exclusively w/ autistic teens. They both have noticed my traits and sometimes try to use me to figure out their kids. It kinda drives me nuts because I can't figure myself out let alone people with lower function than me. I tend to come across as a very extroverted NT when people first meet me, but I have learned that as a masking technique. I work in customer service and my NT coworkers are always a little shocked at how quickly I reset between customers. I put on the same "up" persona every time. Things get tricky if I have to interact with people for more than an hour or so. My next door neighbor was an aspy, but we DID NOT get along. He was a drug addict and his social skills were way worse than mine. I tend to agree with ClosetAspy on hiding it as much as possible, it helps to blend in, but I have a lot of advantages too, it's kinda like I'm a little more "tuned in" with my senses. I wouldn't want to be entirely NT because I would miss who I am.
Sean