I'm tired of not being respected !

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Yesterday I just saw it quite clearly, I'm way too forgiving with people, I realized I smile too much, I laugh falsely a lot, I try not to get mad or raise my voice, although I'm not friendly, in the sense of being a good and caring person, yet I project the image of an insecure weak guy, I have to stop trusting people so much, I know they talk about me, even if they don't even notice it, they make fun of me. I won''t be weak anymore, I'll raise my voice and make people respect me. Be careful with people, they will hurt you if you let them.

I agree entirely. Being a nie guy is well and good, but there are times when not being nie is the right thing to do. You have to maintain your boundaries...

N

I find it hard to stand up for myself as well. The fake smiles, the fake laughter, the fake niceness...I'm there with you. I think I do it because I don't know how to truly relate to people, and I don't want them to dislike me. It winds up biting me in the ass though, because I come across as weak.

I have been working on growing a backbone, but I'm finding it difficult to find the right balance. I either come across as spineless, or a complete b***h. Sometimes I just want to be a b***h. lol

I never quite know where the boundries are, so am reluctant to stand up, never know if I did/didn't do something or if they are just being a jerk.

I have the same problem. People don't respect me. It's always been like this. I've never been able to spot why.

Well, just adopt a motto I'm trying to: "If no one else respects you, then respect yourself." Your own opinion about you is the only one that matters anyway.

I once had a psychologist tell me that passive people deserve what happens to them and passive aggressive tactics are the choice of the cowardly. While the guy was, for the most part, a clueless asshat (as are most of the "professionals" I've seen), this has stuck with me for awhile. No one respects you if you don't make eye contact or act as everyone else does. They may pretend to in some contexts, but when all the monitors of political correctness disappear, you get to see the Lord of the Flies in people. You can't shy away when a loud noise bothers you or someone enters your larger than average personal space. These are signs of weakness, marking one as the lagging antelope. People are animals, and adopting pack behaviour is key to survival and acceptance. We can throw off these outward affectations in our private space, but nowhere else.

The alternative is to be shunned and left to rot on the margins as social lepers.

I think in my case the problem lies in between Social and Ignis's truths. I don't respect myself enough on one hand, and I'm too different from the herd on the other.

My advice is over-react if someone pisses you of. Calm and nice=weak, and frankly people prefer a dick.

^ Maybe it sends that impression but it doesn't really mean that a person is weak. Though that impression is what makes the difference. What I mean though is you shouldn't read a book by it's cover. I'm calm and nice but anyone would be a fool to underestimate me.

I think we need to turn it around. We need to question the disrespector, not the disrespectee. Taking the necessary steps to protect yourself from negative attitudes and treatment--isn't arrogance...rather, it is healthy self-esteem.. When you're different from the herd, you need to have different strategies as well. What most people call respect is really herd member acknowledgement, recognition or sanction. It isn't really respect at all.... It's a nod and a wink--
"yeah, they're all right/they're one of us/they're a member of the herd/they've accepted their rank in the pack..." When this type of social sanctioning is withheld....it feels like they don't respect us.

um...may I suggest we take it as a compliment?

The strategies we need are:
1)Try to be pleasant and courteous around others, consider it obligatory.
2)Establish definite boundaries. When people cross over your boundaries, it is they who are trespassing. When people continually do so, be minimally courteous and give them as little of your time as possible. Or else find a way to cut them out of your life.
3)Try to develop at least 2 methods of escape from any situation, no matter what it is.
4)Work on maximizing your options.
5)Always have at least one backup plan, the more the better.
6)Try to be resourceful, have your own projects, and practice solving problems as far as you can on your own.
7)Remember the pecking order tends to be those above you don't need you as much as you need them....so try to need them as little as possible.
Learn the fine art of killing with kindness.

This is similar to what I struggle with.

This sums it up perfectly!


In the workplace, I actually stood up for myself a couple of times, and this is with verbal communication and boundary difficulties. One time I even did it over the phone! I'd gone into work and set up lab equipment for some students, but when no one showed up, I packed it away. At home, 2 of the teachers called. I forced myself to answer because I guessed they were going to blame me for something (as usual), and if I didn't, it would reinforce my guilt from their perspective. They both started to have a go at me, accusing me of not showing up.

Usually, that would have been overwhelming, but something changed in me, taking over, and I started arguing back, raising my voice, and not letting them butt in. I'd never experienced it before and haven't since. After that phonecall, they showed much more respect.

In that situation, the boundaries were slightly clearer to me, and I also didn't have much to lose. Usually, it's very hard to determine whether to make a complaint to someone. I waste much time deliberating--considering it from every angle--before proceeding, whereas others will attempt to persuade me I have a clear-cut case and should be more confident. The only reason I can proceed is because it is in writing, my natural mode of communication, and so feel very competent (and can always outclass them ).




Agreed. I never really thought about how it's a nod and a wink they provide, not real respect.

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Last edited by alba on 24 Apr 2009, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

I often find myself in the same boat with the fake smiles, fake laughter, etc...and I have no idea why, particularly even with people I don't necessarily like. Is it somewhat of a cowardly thing to do? Yes, probably, but that also all depends on the situation of the person being disrespected. In my instances, I only do it for the reason being that I hate conflict and not that I cannot stand up for myself. I find it much easier to avoid getting into a discussion that I have no desire to engage in rather than directly confronting the people disrespecting me or talking about me. It's because I do this that I can go home at the end of the day feeling better about myself knowing that those people need to command respect to be respect, whereas I need not. The ones who respect me for who I am are the ones that truly fortunate...as in the sense of having an open mind and looking at other people as equals. Everyone else is just someone that pisses me off because they're so self-absorbed with everything materialistic around them that they forget the important things in life.

My problem is coming across to weakly or far too strongly when standing up for myself. I don't know what a healthy normal limit looks like based on each individual situation and if I really take the time to think it all through suddenly it is night time and the dis-respector is long gone.

That's exactly my problem. Very well explained!