Why Are You So Quiet?

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I just posted a similar topic (I need to learn to look before I post smh).

YES I get asked that all the time. And you want to know what's so ironic? I'm not really that 'quiet' when I get to know someone. I can be very talkative actually when given the chance. It's just people who expect me to be loud and shallow ask me that but never bother to hear my response. Sometimes I think they just like the sound of their voices (extroverted NTs).

I do tend to be quiet around people I don't know or uncomfortable with. I don't do well at parties, social settings, group outings, anything that involves more than one or two people. I think the only exception is my workplace because half the people there like me and know me well, I have no problem talking with them.

I'm usually quiet because I've been hurt a LOT over the years through bullying, manipulation, family dysfunction, dating woes, society and their unfortunate prejudices, so I do admit to having a wall up. But most who approach me find I can take down that wall quite easily if I find them to be nice folks (and I do give the benefit of the doubt in spite of all the crap people put me through, probably because I know I don't want to treat others the way I don't want to be treated, partly because I don't want to be by myself and partly because I really do need friendships).

My only question is just how do you respond when someone asks you why your so quiet? That one always bugs me.

I never knew how to respond to this question when I was in High school, middle school, and elementary school. I normally just shrugged as I didn't know the answer to the question These days I respond "I'm not that quiet. You just don't know me." If they push me for a more convincing answer then I explain my asperger's to them. It tends to open their eyes and look at me in a different. Sometimes its not the light I desire to be seen in but it puts any of their prior thoughts of me being shy and reserved to rest.

If I were to answer honestly to that question, I would say "Because I have nothing to say that anyone wants to hear".

But I'd rather say something that shows a bit more self-confidence. I haven't really been asked that question, though.

I get that question a lot. My response always is: "What do you want to talk about?" It keeps them quiet!

"Because I have nothing to say that anyone wants to hear"- YES I agree with you there. When I do say something it flies over peoples heads. Then they wonder why I withdraw...

"What do you want to talk about?"- I think that's absolutely perfect! Thanks

In such situations, my answer would be "I don't want to irritate you by talking about my special interests."

Tell them you're a scout for the invasion army!! No really, people used to ask me this all the time in high school and honestly, I just smiled at them and shrugged it off. It's a hard question to respond to. I mean really, what do you say. So I say nothing, Let them guess. Be yourself. The moment you start faking it, you lose your true self.

Agreed. I never thought of it that way, but you're absolutely correct.

Well, there's always "why do you ask?" but I don't know if that's a good one or not. I think this question is a subtle attack, its meant to make you feel isolated and small. If you turn things around when people are doing that, they often become more overtly hostile.

I learned to use that phrase when I didn't like the question and felt uncomfortable answering it. However, I started to realize that my only reason for not answering was because of my ego, and I've been working to get my ego out of the equation as best as possible.

You're right, the reason why the question makes us feel uncomfortable is because it is a type of an invalidation attack. The other person is being judgmental and assuming when s/he gets involved in another person's life like that, even if it's being done of out genuine concern for the other person. What I find is that it's not so much a matter of them trying to make things better for me, as much as it's a matter of them trying to minimize their own discomfort, because in their minds my being quiet is making them uncomfortable for one reason or another. Other people get uncomfortable when they think someone around them is ill or in a bad mood. Other people get uncomfortable when they suddenly realize that they're doing all the talking and there's someone else in the room completely content with not being a chatterbox. There's all sorts of reasons why the other person gets uncomfortable. It's all tied back into what's known as Joint Attention, where other people HIGHLY empathize with those around them and allow others' emotional states to affect their own emotional state. This is why I stick by my original response to this thread:

"I'm sorry. Does my quietness bother you?"

It forces the other person to evaluate why they are asking the question in the first place without necessarily putting them on the defensive the way that, "Why do you ask," does. I am completely acknowledging that they are correct and that I am being quiet, so they have no reason to get defensive. Putting the other person on the defensive is a sure fire way to get them to be more offensive (in both senses of the term). The issue isn't that I'm being quiet, but that they are for some reason bothered by it. I'm not obligated to fix their own cognitive discord, but I can bring attention to it in a nice, fair way.

That's another really good answer. Because quietness DOES seem to bother many people.

Here's 9 Pages of comments addressing this exact same subject heading in this same sub-forum no less!

I just want to add that not all men are into those things. I think by not saying anything they probably think you are judging them. Sounds like you need a new group to hang out with.

Based on my own experiences, some people use "Why are you so quiet?" as an icebreaker. They mean no harm when they ask that.

I was always asked this when I was at school. Teachers actually made fun of me for it. There was a teacher who always mockingly 'admonished' me for being so 'loud' and 'talkative'. There was also this one time where another teacher randomly walked up to my desk and in the middle of a class lesson, said something like 'Hey, you, how come you never talk? I want to hear you something for once. Go on, say something, anything. Say one word.' (He didn't even use my name).
Because it was so unexpected it took me a couple of seconds to process what he said, and I automatically said 'What?' and the whole class laughed, including the teacher, and not in a nice way. Another one of my teachers, at almost every parent teacher interview told my parents I needed to 'speak more'. Which is an absolute joke, because the time I wasn't speaking I was using to actually do my schoolwork, while other kids were talking and disrupting the class.
These days if someone asks me why I'm so quiet I just say 'I'm thinking. You should try it sometime'

"Because I'm bored to tears with the drivel surrounding me."