New girl in my office

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, the preparatory classes had more racial minorities than the college's general population. I don't think anyone complained.

Granted, I am Aspie, but I would totally love it if someone came up to me and said, "I know (or I am told) I often look standoffish, but often I FEEL open and curious - so feel free to ask." It's works with NTs too if a person unmasks and the NT is halfway tolerate of differences. I am an ("overly") expressive Aspie, but still have the problem that it doesn't match. When I had a great personal loss, I said to my co-worker: "I know there is a have a huge smile on my face and it actually means that this is the most horrible thing I have ever experienced." My BFF and daughter are both ("overly") unexpressive. I didn't know my BFF nor I were Aspie at the time, but here is our college interaction: BFF - sitting against wall motionless (something I can't do much). Me "Are you angry with me?". BFF - "No". " Me "You are frowning." BFF - "No, I'm not angry." Me - "What are you doing then?" BFF - "Just thinking." … We are BFFs today. I was reading my college letters and there was a lifeguard who I wrote was "the grumpiest person ever" and he came up to me and complemented my energy - which proved to me that he was NICE inside and I just knew it! BTW - If I hadn't already mentioned, you can purposely put on and practice an open expression: eyes relaxed, lips slightly parted. I read it in a book and use it myself (when I think of it).

(more "but"s)

Of course the feeling of rejection applies to both genders. It's a **social rule** that the male gender has to ask. I, like many Aspies, am a non-conformist so also disagree with that rule, but there it is. BTW, my NT dad and NT husband are non-conformists - married my Aspie mom and I, respectively.

I'm surprised you are not applying logic rules to what I write. Feeling of rejection includes A, does not mean Feeling of rejection excludes B. Or perhaps the "But" is confusing me again. "But" implies contradiction to what I wrote, rather than clarification.

So glad there was no "but" - you even have a "yes" (in contradiction, but feels good anyway, really). Ah, yes, relatively it would make a difference, especially with NTs and "likeability", but absolutely it doesn't, especially with "deserving". I read that Aspies can be B&W and would self-report that I am not, but this might be an example that I am. You are deserving (of good things).

Actually, my family and my friends are "projects" in a sense. I am surprised you picked up on that. Is it so obvious? I have horrible Executive Function and focus to be a parent, focus to be a partner, focus to be a friend. I also live very much in the moment --- which has pros and cons.

This is how I would normally communicate. I mostly can't (IRL and even this site's security feature rejects my style). Just yesterday my NT boss said "you overthink" and I told a co-worker what he said and my co-worker clarified "you *accurately* think". I love to mentally doodle, but the majority of folks don't like to "play" like that.

It applies to both of you. Rhetorical Q: Who do you have the most influence over?

Nah, that's like my NT husband not wanting to be "angry" (his dad was violent) and so he is passive, passive, passive until he is ANGRY. Screw that. He needs to be upset, be frustrated, be angry... appropriately. Applying this analogy to you ---- totally off the wall --- you don't want to be "nice" (vulnerable?) and so you are in opposition, opposition, opposition until you are NICE. LOL. Maybe not, but it's there somewhere.

I'm not one for CBT, but I am pretty sure I am suggesting exactly that. Change your focus. I find work unbearable and rather than ruminating on how unacceptable it is, in SOME situations, I am starting a calming mantra "I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving" in order to drown out the "This Is UNACCEPTBLE!". (In other situations, I am using my feelings as Fuel to create Change.) So theoretically you could drown out "does she want to talk to me?" with "do I want to talk to her?" but I'm not CBT person and there's times to do that and times not to and again, I'm no expert. I'm just throwing out possibilities. I'm an idea person. Someone else gets things done. There's time for me to feel something and act, there's time for me to distract myself. The wisdom to know the difference.... that stuff.

LOL: Thanks for relating to me. It didn't ruin it.


I read here about selective mutism, so I suspect it was that. I didn't tell anyone else at the time. In general I don't mention it much. It was a private moment.

Yes, they would.. in general. By the way, if the non-racist white male (or any person) were willing to exclude/belittle others, s/he would be included in the clique, but I don't think of that type of person as non-racist. Folks looking to exclude/belittle others typically go after isolated or marginalized folks, which tends to be along race (or gender, or disability, or any other differentiation) in my part of the woods.

You later described what's called reverse discrimination I think. I have a cousin that experienced that to some degree. It happens. That said, I firmly believe it's less common than the other side of the coin based on my experience being a minority (in Engineering) and being married to a minority (racially) - and seeing the responses of said cousin and relatives when I explain what my husband and I experience. My dad -who is very liberal- also didn't realize the extent of discrimination (and his privilege) until he crossed a US border with my husband and witnessed the treatment firsthand. I had a near meltdown another time when -as usual- my husband was pulled aside for interrogation and I was left alone at 2am with a toddler, a baby and five pieces of luggage in a room full of cacti. I yelled out "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! !! !!" And yes, my toddler did touch the cacti but thankfully there were no injuries, and I was not jailed. That would have been ironic: if my husband was released after the "routine" questioning and I was detained for "unusual" behavior. Albeit my husband can handle two young children for a longer time than I can.


Sigh.

My husband is VERY passive, so asides being stoic he's not "calling" for the receipt. On the other hand, I do have lots of energy so come across as "childish". Could be something to that.

I do not know if she is NT or ASD. However, the NT "theory" was being stated as fact and I was questioning that assumption. I didn't rule out the possibility of NT. You are using logic to be illogical, and another "but".

https://proofreadmydocument.com.au/writ ... c-writing/

This one is a little over the top ("good idea"), but...
http://www.hellomynameisblog.com/2007/0 ... d-but.html

If you remain oppositional, then I concur with others: leave her alone. If you have made efforts to be welcoming and she's rejected those, then I concur with you: not worth the effort. My opinion was that this was an opportunity for growth for you to find agreement.

Recall, I am in a hostile workplace right now, so am trying to navigate this myself. Have I been open, assertive and made enough of an effort? Mostly so. Has my mgmt been open, assertive and made enough of an effort? Mostly not. Time to move on.

By the way, my user name is QFT, not CBT.

QFT = "Quantum Field Theory".

Are you being cute ("I notice details"), and/or pedantic ("you made a typo")?

The other day my NT husband quoted a news program he had been watching in a later conversation with me. I happened to have walked by during that part of the news program so knew he was incorrect but refrained from saying anything b/c it was immaterial. He would have considered me pedantic. My young (Aspie-like) daughter who was nearby and not part of any this but listens to Everything, didn't miss a beat and corrected him. We both thought that was cute... for now.

Frankly it's rather a Freudian slip to keep saying CBT instead of QFT?