Your gripes about peer-led autistic adult support groups?

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Labeling these meetups “support groups” is probably not going to attract many lonely people. Many people don’t like the concept. Too much like going to a shrink or group therapy.

Like Smudge said, people want to have fun—like in pubs. Like playing pool amid a discussion that wasn’t formally labeled a discussion. People would get together to play pool. If a discussion happens….cool. If not….cool, too

Something more informal that’s not explicitly meant as a therapeutic situation. Or a political situation.

What you put forward—discussions about “special interests” without support group implications, is probably more many people’s speed. Then, perhaps, these discussions might evolve into a support group.

I might propose an autism rights discussion, say. And there might be takers. But don’t label it a “support group.” You wouldn’t get as much of an audience.

That’s just my take on it. I’m not seeking to screw with your plans. I wouldn’t protest against your notion of things

What kinds of horrible experiences have you heard about? (Without naming the groups or the people.)

Or the group has fallen into lazy autistic-unfriendly habits, such as expecting people to "just know" how to fit in, or expelling people without telling them exactly what they did wrong.

A lady butted heads with the leader of the group she was in and her top two cohorts. The ringleader lady accused the victim of not being "Autistic enough" and ousted her. But after the lady was kicked out, other members of the group whom she'd gotten along with ceased communication because the group leader instructed them to have no further contact, even outside of the group. Apparently, they all complied for fear of being the next target.

To me, a group for social misfits, ideally, should be the one place where this doesn't happen...as every member of that group would be the misfit in a "normal" group dominated by NTs. Hypocrisy.

In a sense, that is playing NT, even if subconsciously. I think some Aspies, when given some power, either consciously or unconsciously try to emulate what they've been the victims of, like it's their turn to be "normal."

Years ago, I attended a peer support group which was a guinea pig group that was funding by a university. They never wanted to do any activities outside of the bi-monthly meetings. There was always some sort of excuse. They were also very rude.

One of the members always came and seemed to enjoy being the center of attention by playing the victim card while taking away time with the leader

Someone was always yelling at other members all the time for different things which caused a lot of new people away. I ended leaving for that reason.

A few members of the group picked on me for being too hyper, talking too loud. Yet, they had no patience

A gripe I have is that in groups(that I have attended) forming friends and relationships seems to not really be a big priority. You don't really get help in that aspect and kinda left to your own devices to figure out how to do that. Yes they do talk about it but other than that, you don't get coaching on it or any real info on places to go, help with the type of people you may best get along with, or even social media advise to help find and form these things. Also if you struggle with the concept of friendship and relationships(romantic)(such as myself) then you are just basically screwed. No break-down of the concepts or anything just the good ol' "You'll know when it happens" or "You'll figure it out".

I started going to one last year. At first it felt a bit like a waste of time since there were so many of us in one room, so there was really no time for everyone to talk in the two hour meeting all that much. Things got better after they started to divide it in to two groups, with no criteria on who's in which group, aside from the fact that there had to be a voluntary instructor, preferably more than one, in both groups. But honestly, even that's a bit like Russian roulette since you can't know who you end up in the same group with. There are certain people who I enjoy talking with, both about very serious and not serious at all stuff, even though we have different views on some things. It's possible to enjoy talking to them since they aren't the type to try to push their opinions to others even when they disagree. However, there are also some with strong opinions on politics. I do too, but the difference is that I avoid bringing them up in our support group. Technically, the rule there is that it's okay to bring up one's own religious and political views, as long as one doesn't try to push them on others, but the ones who're supposed to keep up order aren't really keeping an eye on this and stopping political talk. That's one thing I'd consider a fault; talk about politics should not, in my opinion, belong to a peer support group. So if you're going to lead one, don't let anyone, be they left or right, talk about their political views too much. That can be stressing to people, even when they agree with some of the political talk.

Another thing is that sometimes some people talk too much, and others don't have the chance to speak. This is something I feel like I end up being guilty of pretty often. Not on purpose and I try to tune it down, I even often tell the instructors to just tell me to shut up if I've talked too much, but I still feel like I don't give the others enough chances to talk. Not that I think I'm the only one; there are others who talk as much as I do, if not more. Then there are those who talk for a very long time once it's their turn. What I'm saying is that it's good to keep an eye on that one or two people don't take all the time to talk, be it conversations between a few active talkers or a long monologue from someone. Make sure that everyone who wants to talk gets to talk.

My support group also has this one guy who always seems to have the need to tell his own opinion about everything someone else says, even when it has nothing to do with him. Gets annoying in the long run, but I have no idea how to guide someone out of doing that, so I don't know how to advice you on avoiding letting anyone do that.

We've also had a few women only -meetings, and that's been good especially for relationship talks since the main group is... well, a little sexists, if not down right misogynist, sometimes. If things work out, you could at some point check if there's a need for women only (or men only) groups. Not just for relationship stuff; when it comes to workings of one's own body, those things are easier to discuss in a same sex group. I still remember that one meeting where Mr. Gotta Have An Opinion On Everything belittled one woman's birth giving pains... I didn't see her again after that until we had our women only -group.

Thanks for posting this. All of these situations are likely to come up in support groups (and other kinds of groups too), and are worth pondering how to handle.