he walked away from me, said i love you,and no contact since

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so, tuesday night, i contacted him at work and said i was going thru bff withdrawls and i begged him to chat (IM) or email me and he promised and he did. and we chatted for 4 hours on tuesday night and a few hours on wednesday nite. wednesday nite, his chat crashed...but thursday nite, he called me and we made plans for friday and we hung out friday twice (3 hours mid day, 2 hours evening) and it was great. now, i'm leaving for a week and then i'll be home for 2 days and then i leave again for 7 weeks...so i'm very relieved to have seen him before i go. he did say his mom was keeping him away from me and that he finally couldn't stand it anymore and had to have a "mental health break" and get away from her and feel some freedom and have some fun...

Way to hang in there, ptown!! !
Pity about the mom-bot, otherwise you could send postcards. =o) Anyway, glad you both found a work-around.
Aspies need friends with lots of understanding and patience and it sounds like you're definitely in there...
And have a great trip(s)

Don't mean to hijack the topic but I'm having a similar issue. Today is 2 weeks since the last time I spoke to my Aspie friend. He did the same thing last Oct after moving into a new apt with his sister. He was gone for 3 weeks before emailing me and another week before he came back to chat. He sent me a list of 5 things he needed to say before he'd come back. The first time I knew that I contributed to the shut down and I apologized and begged him back.

This time he started a new job and within days, he stopped coming to chat and won't respond to email. I don't feel like I've done anything but who knows. I feel that it's more related to the job and the late hours he's working. Like ptown, he won't email me to tell me that he needs some time so I'm clueless.

I've continued to send emails and in one expressed my support. I told him that that I know he might be overwhelmed right now and might not feel like talking and that was okay but I didn't want this be a month long absence like before. I said I realized it might be related to the Aspergers and he might not be able to handle being social and I understood. I also said I had no expectations and I'll take whatever time he gives me but I miss him. I haven't gotten angry or upset. I've sent several other emails telling him about things going on with me and usually say I miss him.

Am I doing this right? Now I'm wondering if I should stop writing all together and wait it out. What if he's afraid to come back when the shut down is over? Should I continue to email every few days? Since this is my second time with this long term silence, I'm handling it better this time but I'm not happy about it and I'm wondering if I should continue to invest the time in this. It seems that this relationship only matters to me and that's hard to take. When he's here and we talk, he sounds like he cares and he has fun. So confusing.

So, any advice? Should I keep emailing and be supportive? Should I stop and wait it out?

I don't get the feeling that you really are clear of expectation. Seems to me you expect him to respond to you, preferably in kind.

So you're saying one thing and wanting another. Ugh.

What I would suggest is... stop saying how much you miss him; too many times and it starts to feel coercive.

I don't know how often you are actually contacting him, but stretch the time between contacts a bit. Like maybe once a week.

He probably is overwhelmed with all the adjustments and demands. But to talk about him, him, him--well, when somebody does that to me, I feel invaded or like a bug under a magnifying glass. You've said you support him. Once is enough right now. He probably already feels excessively scrutinized at his new job.

Stick to short and concise right now. If he's on information overload, one or two sentences may be all he can take in. Like...
Hey, how's the job?
or a couple of sentences about your shared interest, such as...
Found a great biography of Gen. Sherman this week! I'm already half way through it. (Pretending your shared interest is Civil War)

Try writing with no 'you' sentences... eg. How are you? I miss you. I haven't heard from you. Why don't you answer me? What's wrong with you? You's can get to be like arrows; one feels under assault.

Thanks, I'll give that a try. Any other advice?

If you're going to hang with Aspies, you've got to be your own best friend. Fact is, we're not always going to be there for you. We might like to be, but the reality is... we can't be.

Don't take life personal, no matter who you hang out with. Chances are, it's not about you. No matter what it is, it's not about you.

Like the Buddha said, clinging is the source of all suffering. When you cling to anybody or anything, you're setting yourself up for suffering. Relax your grip on things and enjoy them more.

Yes, the job could be a large factor; e.g., tiredness, and difficulty multi-tasking and remembering to write back. Does he generally find written communication quite easy? If not, that could also be contributing. I think I can understand how being clueless about what's going on can be frustrating. However, sending more emails does add to the pressure.

I can usually handle being in regular contact with one person at a time. I can just about handle one message every day or two if I'm comfortable, but sometimes even once a week can feel pressurising. I think the best thing to do in the situation you described is to leave it a couple of weeks or more and see what happens. If he wishes to remain in contact, it will probably mean communicating less frequently. If he does not respond within two or three weeks, then you could try sending another message, keeping it on the casual side or on something he's interested in, rather than focusing on the situation, and base your decision about how to proceed on his response.

@Donkey ~ you make me laugh, you and I are so close in age and like you I tend to have a ton of life experience to offer people. This Aspie thing has thrown me for a loop though. Uncharted territory you could say.

A little background info is that my friend and I have been chatting and talking for 4 years now. We have met once in person over 2 years ago. I have already been through the clinging, jealousy and expectation thing with him and those were some of the things that caused the last shut down.

I changed all that and have been a much better (less clingy) person. In fact it seemed that he was spending more time with me on his own. He would come online and we'd chat or talk through the computer for hours. I think I'm pretty much his only friend though he lives with his sister and her boyfriend. I'm the only one he chats and talks with and the only one he seems to initiate emails to. Flip side of that is I'm the one he shuts off when he needs down time.

He got let go of his temp job before Memorial Day, he had a week off and spent time online with me. His sister got him a job with her but second shift. 3 pm to midnight. The first few days he came online at night and then in the morning. Two weeks ago we talked while playing Sims3 and then he never came back.

Though I feel it's the job, I keep going over things in my head. Did I push for online time? Did I say something wrong? Etc. Because of how my mind thinks, it must be something that I did.

I can do the things that Donkey mentioned, I can stop talking about him and telling him I miss him. i can stop writing him so much but I doubt I can go over a week. Waiting 2 or 3 weeks might seem like nothing to an Asperger but it seems like forever to me. He is such a wonderful person. He radiates positive energy and just by spending some time with me daily, he seems to calm me down and balance out everything negative in my life. I just can't lose this friendship.

If I knew for sure that it wasn't me and that he just needed time, I could give it to him. I will try to give it to him anyway. Do you think he will come back when he gets his head right?

It sounds like you've got a pretty well-developed friendship, so I think there's a pretty good chance of it. But you know people...



I know for myself, once a week is bearable. It's not that I WANT to lose touch with my friends, it's just that all my energy is going somewhere else. So it's nice to have a brief, undemanding check-in, to find out they haven't forgotten me, to hear a little about what they're up to, and not feel like I have to respond right then. The fact of the email is nagging enough. You might even say, Hey, don't worry about replying if you're maxed out right now. Just wanted to keep in touch.

And for you personally, Butterflair (love the name), it's just another one of those effing opportunities for growth. You've gotten yourself in a bit of a bind, honey... you need a back-up plan. It sounds to me like you've let yourself get too emotionally dependent on one person, and that's always dangerous. Just a straight, simple fact of life. So during this time, explore that dynamic and try diversifying your support base a bit. For your own well-being.

Life is a tenuous venture, you're old enough to know that. Anyone, for any reason, can vanish from our lives. If they were the source of our sense of well-being, completeness, and sanity.... well, that's a bad scenario. I know; it's a big issue for an Aspie. I've got a partner, but what if she leaves me or dies? Where's my back-up? So it's also MY effing opportunity for personal growth.

You are so wise

Question. Would you ever stop talking to your partner? Would that relationship mean more than the others?

Life journeys sure do throw curve balls at us when we least expect it. All the the things you say are true and even though I know it myself, it's not something I like to hear. The truth is hard. I've actually done better than I did 8 months ago. If you'd have seen me then, you'd think me nuts.

Funny thing is I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone else, only him. You nailed it. Guess I got a lot of thinking to do. Doesn't quite help the pit in my gut feeling. Thanks for your help DonkeyBuster.

Well, first off I'd have to say 'What others?' Working on that.
And second, even if I did have a good friend besides my partner, she would always be my priority. But part of that is because we live together, and she gets me and that includes my withdrawal periods. I don't ever not talk to her at all, but I sure do go through periods when I don't talk much, spend waaay to much time with my nose in a book or on the computer, and don't seem able to tell her what's going on with me.

That last bit is something I'm consciously working on... not 'talking it out' as NTs seem to need to do, but just letting her know I'm feeling stressed about a particular situation in my life, maybe a bit about why I find it upsetting, and that I appreciate her and care for her and my withdrawal doesn't have anything to do with her. But you would not believe how hard it is to do that.

I don't know how to say it, I don't know how to start saying it, I don't know when to talk about it, I'm worried I'll get sucked into a 'therapy' interaction, I'm not always aware of withdrawing right away.... it can be days before I notice I've disappeared on her. It's like there's a mile high wall I have to scale before I can say... I'm upset about something at work, I need to think it out, it's not about you, I love you. Sooooo exhausting. And all my attention and energy is already being sucked up by this PROBLEM at work.

If your friend does acknowledge he's overwhelmed at work, you might ask if he wants to say anything more about it. If he says No, then drop it like a hot potato.

Trust me, we don't usually need to "talk it out." It's sort of like... you're not directly involved, so why would we add the complication of yet ANOTHER person?

One of the attributes of autism is alexithymia... so understanding and verbally expressing our emotions can take real effort. I generally don't operate from a felt or emotional sense of the world, I work from an sensory/intellectual sense of the world. So when emotions come up, it's sort of like getting hit with a tsunami and it takes a lot of effort to deal with it.

When you're just fighting to get some air, you really can't even think about talking.

Does this make any sense?

OMG.. yes it does. You explained it really well.

My friend does know that he has emotions but he isn't sure how to express them. We don't really talk about them and I never push him to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about. I sort of feel that he doesn't know how to say anything now and maybe he's trying to find a segway back to me. Something to talk about so he doesn't have to talk about what happened. What you described is exactly how I imagine he feels now.

So now I'm trying to figure out the best way to show support for him rather then to get mad and demand he send me an email. (which is what I feel like doing) For me as an NT it feels rude and hurtful that he won't send me one email to let me know he is okay but from what you said, he doesn't know what to say.

Would it be helpful if I sent an email that complimented him and told him that I'm always here for him? I will keep them short. Does it help if someone reaches out to you or leaves you alone?

hi donkey,

wow, this thread has become even better than i expected! i last saw MY buddy on friday. on sunday, i left town, it's now friday again (one week later) and i will be home late tonite. then i have 3 days home until i leave again for 7 weeks. during those 7 weeks, if i choose, i can be home one day per week since the place i'm going (yoga/meditation/work service) is about a 2.5 hour drive from home. i TOLD him i will be around this weekend and i expect a phone call or chat but i doubt it will happen since he's a prisoner in his house right now with mom.

i haven't heard from MY buddy since we last spoke (one week) even though he said "ok" to email but i've stopped taking it personally. the last time i saw him, he was super angry and disappointed and hurt by his mom (nothing new) and i know he shuts down during these times.

donkey wrote, "Trust me, we don't usually need to "talk it out." It's sort of like... you're not directly involved, so why would we add the complication of yet ANOTHER person? "

this is not my experience with my friend. with me, all he wants to do is talk it out. in fact, i believe that is my "role" for him- to be the person he can be honest with. otherwise, he has a mom, a sister, and a dept. of rehab case worker. that's it. he can't be honest with his mom and his sister only wants to keep things peaceful for him at home (she doesn't live there) and is moving further away shortly. i hope she takes my friend with her far away from his mom. although that would mean he's far away from me, he needs to get away from her whatever it takes.
we go around and around in circles and sometimes default to "next topic" or just being silly but he really wants and needs to be "therapized" to know that he's fine, it's mom who is one banana shy of a bunch...

Last edited by ptown on 19 Jun 2009, 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Compliments can be coercive and manipulative. I don't know how he would receive it.
Offers of support can feel invasive... and sometimes not.

Both are still pointing at him, him, him. And I think you are still trying to coerce a response out of him. I know it's hard, but really... back off. Stop emoting all over him.

What interest(s) do you share? Can you write one or two friendly but factual sentences about something you did or learned this last week involving that? Such as (imagining you share a gardening interest)...

"Wow! The lettuce seed I planted this week came up in 3 days! But the cucumber seed seems to be too old... nothing is coming up at all. Ratz. I guess there will be no cukes in my salad this summer."

That keeps everything ordinary, in touch, and not ooey-gooey.

Well, just goes to show....
There are times when I do talk it out, and I also have a therapist, but it's on my terms, not because someone else wanted/needed me to tell them all about it. See the difference?

I'm sure you've had experience with the emotional vampires of the world, the people who want to hear all about it (aka agony aunts) because it makes them feel important and valued. They make me cringe and I won't hardly tell them my name, let alone what's bugging me.

And mom is an old topic, he's worked out how he feels about her, so it's a script in a way. Oh, there are definitely topics I can give a good rant on... one being my mother. But when something new comes along, it's very hard for me to talk about it because I just don't have the words.... yet.

It sounds like you've done a great job of listening. I hope you two stay friends for a long time.

I'm not going to lie, I do want a response out of him. He knows that I am an emotional person and he knows that I try not to emote so much. I want to be accepted as I am, just like I accept him. That's what a friendship is all about.

Anyway, I ended up sending a simple email that just said Happy Birthday. Nothing more.