To tell or not to tell?

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I generally don't tell people. I have on a few occasions but it hasn't often helped. It was first suggested I might be AS when I was 11 (but my parents didn't tell me until I was 16) so my close family know. They still don't seem to realise when I am srtuggling though. A couple of the colleagues I have told began treatin me like I had learning difficulties and needed extra help all the time when this is often the last thing I wanted or needed. I have also found that if I have told someone, then they don't take into account my sensory overload issues or why I might come across as blunt or unkind or whatever, then I get annoyed. I have told them what is behind my odd behavoiur so why can't they remember? Even though I know they may have forgotten or don't have a proper understanding of the implications I still find it frustrating. Better to not tell and comfort myself with the belief they just don't realise.

Having said that I do tell people about some of my related traits like my dyspraxia as I often do need more support then. General knowledge is often better about that sort of thing too which helps I suppose.

i put yes but ...only if you want to and if it's a good friend
you know just don't go around telling everyone
Hey World I,M Autistic Yeah im autistic

though i did do that at school once LOL

I told my best friend. We've been friends for 35 years, we became friends when I trained her horse. Anyway, after I explained it all to her she says "Well Tere that explains a LOT!" We will probably be best friends forver.

For the most part if you tell any NT's you have a name for your condition and your condition is other then NT then right off their going to start labeling you something other then normal in a bad way just because they don't understand or don't want to understand or anything less then NT is not normal and not normal is not good. and when trying to educate many NT's they don't even want to bother reading up on the subjects in question in the first place, then try and be polite, esp when it don't affect their little lives, this has been my experience, telling a best friend could be cool, but for the most part i didn't feel my friend would understand nor would it matter to him sense he knows me just for being me not a label, but then again he him self is not vary NT him self (heh).

I tell them straight off. If they're phony or are going to reject me for something I was born with, I'd rather know right away, not later, not after I've gotten to know them, after they matter to me. My supposed best friend dumped me so fast it wasn't funny when I told her I had ben diagnosed, and we'd shared a LOT, for a few years. She dumped me so fast I could almost hear the <b>splat</b>.

And in all honesty, I have far fewer expectation now from people than I did before that. I don't expect friends anymore. But if one does happen along, I need for them to like me as I am, for what I am, which is the same that I give to them....

I don't tell anybody. Honestly, I see it as a weakness, not a strength. Therefor, I'm not going to put my weaknesses on display.

If they are close friends, you have to tell them or they'll find out anyway. They may never know it's Asperger's, but they'll know somethings wrong. So I would say tell your close, trustworthy friends.

I tend to be in a situation very similar to Laynie and Pugly. If I did tell my parents, yes, it would explain a LOT, as Tere said. But, I worry my mom especially, and my dad too, being NT'ers, would become overprotective or assume that I was feeling depressed and decided to start calling myself that for some other reason. If I'd been diagnosed earlier, maybe.

But, even then, it's not huge with me; it's the stuffed animals, the inability to tell what people are inferring from context, body language, and tone of voice sometimes (and I once told my mom aboutt hat one, but both of us agreed that might be because of my low vision/hearing, which if not for other things it could.) The need for people to be very direct. It's not a handicap the way my low vision is. PLus there was some abuse in Junior HIgh that my parents would figure was causing me to say it. When in fact the majority of evidence predates Jr. High by years.

So, I wouldn't tell family, unless I marry, I'd tell a very close girlfriend what I told another good friend a while back. "It's possible I have Asperger's, it would explain a number of things associated with my growing up." I did blurt out to a superior after a misunderstanding that scared me a little more than it should have (he actually misunderstood me more than I did him) that my reaction was because I have mild Asperger's, and explained that it means I a little more nervous about such things. That line will have been forgotten in a few weeks, I imagine, as he asked no more questions.

I think mostly, because it's mild and doesn't affect me very much, I wouldn't really make a big deal of it myself. I might remark that I haave difficulty in one area as I have in the past - like understanding body language, being able to tell when someone is joking sarcastically. But, I think my mom is right in a way. If I told, it would not be because I was feeling really down about myself. However, it would be trying to place a name on something that is just a sign of the uniqueness of God's creation. I am a very unique individual, created for a purpose. And, I have really adapted to a great extent. So, as someone way up the thread said, since I have adapted, it really isn't all that necessary to do more than say it's possible. Because being self-diagnosed, I think I only looked into it for my own curiosity, anyway.

Embarassed? I have been embarassed (and disgraced and remorseful) over some of the things I've said or done due to my social ineptness, but I can't say I'd ever be embarassed about the underlying condition. It's not your fault you have AS.

I know where you're coming from. I have a hard enough time responding to normal conversation without having to deal with praise. To make matters worse, I'm an A-type personality trapped behind my veil of communicative awkwardness, so I *do* crave attention and *do* desire instant gratification. I like the fact that people value my work and I feel justifiably proud of it, but wish they'd just say "good work" instead of making a big deal out of it.

I've not been diagnosed and I'm not really sure what's "wrong" with me, but I do want to tell my immediate family once I know for sure. For one thing, my partner constantly grinds on me about not looking up at people when I talk to them, and I want him to understand that I don't have much control over it. In examining my own life to try for a self-diagnosis I've also decided that my brother is most likely AS (he saw a shrink back in the 70's but AS wasn't known back then and they came to an unspecific diagnosis), so if I brought it up he might consider going for a fresh opinion. I think my mother would like to know, too, as she has asked questions in the past about whether my sexual orientation was a result of my socialization problems. She thought I "turned gay" because I couldn't talk to girls, whereupon I told her I'm actually bisexual and have a hard time talking to boys, too, and my apparent gayness was simply because I had more opportunities to socialize with guys and eventually found one I could talk to.

I don't think I'd be in a hurry to bring up Asperger's with people I've just met as some sort of "getting to know you" disclosure, but also don't think it's the sort of thing that should be avoided until you're very close, either. Speaking as someone who was in the sexual orientation closet for a long time, I've come to the conclusion that it's important to "be real" with people as much as possible because it's very hard to come out of the closet once they have a false impression -- you will always think your relationship is at risk and it just gets harder and harder with the passage of time. I now bring up my orientation matter-of-factly when the situation calls for it (i.e. they have known me long enough to think it appropriate to ask about my family), and would discuss AS/PDD-NOS on the same basis (i.e. the first time they comment on my speech pattern, gaze avoidance, obsessions, special skills, etc.) once I know exactly what to say.

Jetson,
Thank you for your post. I love that you quoted me so much. I feel so special. I really like your stance and how you determine when and whom to tell. I think I'm almost ready to join you there.

In an update to my story, I told my mother 2 days ago and my sister yesterday!! ! These are the two family members that I am closest to (besides the husband, of course). I told them they're free to tell the rest of the family now, but I wanted my mom to be first, she deserves to know because she put so much extra effort into raising me, I wanted her to know why it was necessary. And I didn't want to tell my mom until my shock and realizations from the initial self-diagnosis had subsided.

Funnily, it happened one month to the day from the day I found out I had AS. It was just the right time, so I told her. The great thing is that my family is taking it incredibly well. The are actually joyful and happy that I figured out what it is that makes me different. They are so relieved and excited that it all makes sense finally. They each even told me they were jealous that all the mind-games and social guilt trips and what-not didn't affect me. They each are excited to find a new family structure for us in which we all understand me now and we can all get along much better. My sister said that when my other sister heard I was autistic, she said "oh good." I laughed at first, because I didn't know what that meant. But they said it's good, it means that she's happy to know there a reason for my differences, and that I wasn't just being hard-to-be with just to be rude to people. Anyway, the point is, it went over VERY well.

Now I'm on a high and feel like I could tell anyone and they'd receive me equally well. I still haven't told anyone else yet, but I find, perhaps, my closest girlfriends might actually benefit from the information that I learned only a month ago. That it might help them know why there are times when they don't understand me. I'll think about it. We'll see if it comes up.

That's wonderful, Laynie! I am so happy to hear that it worked out for you.

Yes, glad to hear it worked out so well. I think each situation is different, and it sounds like this was the perfect time for it.

Thank you very much.

Although they did not know anything about it, they approached with an open mind asking mature questions and not looking at me as an inferior. It was a wonderful experience but cant say it will work that way for everyone.
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The "other" explanation is that i have no friends to discuss AS with

I have a difficult time with this...I feel like I need people to know all the bad things about me, all the problems I have, all the things in my past or else I am lying to them(obviously, I know I am not lying, but it still feels like it) As I have contact with a fair amount of people through church and my mother's and sister's friends, (not like I actually have any friends myself!! ) this would be rather difficult to achieve. my Mom says it's best not to tell people, so I don't but I sometimes have this urge to go up to people and say "hi, I have Asperger's syndrome" just so they know. is anyone else like this? It doesn't matter if said person is my pastor or just behind me in line at the store..I want people to know!! But I don't tell anyone outside the family.

PS-Chadmaster, I like your signature, too!

I don't feel a need to tell anyone about my Asperger's unless I'm in a situation that warrants it (like a freakout or an unexpected reaction to something). In that case it justifies my actions and seems to help people understand me better.

Last April I posted the Autism Awareness poster at work and sent an e-mail to everyone to sort of explain myself to anyone who might have wondered about how I operate. It got a few really good responses. I doubt I'll do the e-mail again this year but I'll likely put up the poster strictly as a public service. But if anyone asks, I'll happily let them know who posted it and why.