Does anybody else find certain individuals just exhausting?

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I am uncomfortable with most new people's touch too, but I have no problem with eye contact. In fact, I have sometimes watched men so intently that they've got all shy -- and now I am talking about NT men. Sometimes it seems that people take it as a signal of romantic interest.

What does eye contact feel like to you?

Way to go, Drowbot, you survived another close encounter with the intimately disgusting. A Hero's Welcome for you!! !

Ohh god. You're not alone Drowbot, I lived with a Chatty Cathy flat mate for a bit. She was friendly and open to the point of TMI, constantly made noise, 'let it all hang out', constantly borrowing my things- I spent that time trying to cause her to haemorrhage through telepathy.

Last edited by activebutodd on 16 Jun 2009, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You know what, I don't think all outgoing chatty types would drive you nuts. I am one, and I bet you you'd find me tolerable.

Decades before I knew what AS was (or before I knew I was an Aspie), I had this affinity for shy geeky guys who have their noses stuck into computers all day and who don't have social skills. It did not initiate physical contact (hugs were always initiated by the other person); these geeks interested me sufficiently as individuals for me to not just spout my own opinions, but to enquire all sorts of interesting things of them, and I absolutely never forced anyone to eat something which he did not like, as I had an eating disorder when I was a child, and I remember what it felt like when certain foods revolted me.

I have managed too maintain good friendships with numerous shy people. Some of them like me to be chatty -- seems like it fills the space for them and makes them feel easy because they don't have to do it; but I am able to adapt my entire demeanour with those who withdraw when I get hyper (I have ADHD).

I think it comes down to the individual's sensitivity for another individual's requirements, and the ability to adapt. I certainly don't adapt that easily to most butch neurotypical men.

Thanks for starting this thread! I feel so much less of a freak now, that's a relief...

Eye contact feels like someone reaching out without asking and rubbing their hands on my face and neck. Not in a good way. That is to say, if my husband were to stare at me, it would have that effect but I'd like it, after all. If anyone else does, it's just way too personal.

Wow, I am so glad you told me that. I might have otherwise made a major faux pas with some other Aspies. For me it feels like I am giving, not taking, when I look straight at someone. I have a shy, non-Aspie friend and he also sometimes averts his eyes when he is stress, and then I deliberately seek them out with the intention of giving him a reassuring smile. Based on what you have said, I will make sure I never do that to an Aspie who doesn't like eye contact!

Do you feel the same way if you know someone is looking straight at you while they're talking to you, but you are not looking back? Does it still feel invasive then? I don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. I sometimes actually mimmick people's body language when I see they are shy, I mean, I "tone down" my natural hyper self. With traditional Xhosa men, I often avert my eyes, because eye contact signifies brazen flirtation or an inappropriate challenge in that culture if a woman does it. I would want to consciously ensure that I avoided looking at people if it makes people feel invaded.

I don't like too much eye contact, it gives me the creeps. And someone trying to catch my eye... ugh. Staring at me feels like I'm a bug under a magnifying glass... What do you want!! !

So you can see, direct persistent staring would make me want to get away from ASAP.

Glances work for me... nods, uh-huhs, smiles, long glance at me for the big points (no, I'm not looking at you, but my peripheral vision can tell when your face is directed towards me) then somewhere else... like when you're eating dinner with someone... you glance up, nod or smile, look down at your food, look at the table over there, glance at your dinner partner... you get the idea.

Sort of checking in, staying engaged without staring.

I don't like too much eye contact, it gives me the creeps. And someone trying to catch my eye... ugh. Staring at me feels like I'm a bug under a magnifying glass... What do you want!! !

So you can see, direct persistent staring would make me want to get away from ASAP.

Glances work for me... nods, uh-huhs, smiles, long glance at me for the big points (no, I'm not looking at you, but my peripheral vision can tell when your face is directed towards me) then somewhere else... like when you're eating dinner with someone... you glance up, nod or smile, look down at your food, look at the table over there, glance at your dinner partner... you get the idea.

Sort of checking in, staying engaged without staring.

I'm a chatty cathy if I think people won't get annoyed at it. i wait for someone else to be chatty first. i don't mind body contact if I KNOW the person, it makes me feel loved. But if I don't know the person well and they're patting me on the back or shoulder or something, or if I just met them and they HUG me! I think it is extremely creepy. That happened once in a church. It made it feel like a cult closing in on me since it is very unnatural to hug someone you just met!!

A lot of Aspies do feel eye contact invasive, yes. I don't know that my reaction is common when it comes to conversation, however. I avoid eye contact and in fact human contact more than most, I think, these days. If someone is speaking to me, I just want them to stop usually. So the fact that they're looking at me just puts me in the uncomfortable position of knowing that they're expecting me to look back. Sadly, if I am speaking to someone and they don't look at me, I feel just as ignored as if I didn't do the same thing myself! So it's a burden, knowing that I'm being rude but yet feeling so desperate to just get away. But I wouldn't try to get someone to look at me who didn't want to. I don't really understand that.

as soon as i become tired with a person's company, i exit it.

if i am out in the wider public, then i will tell them that i must go home and they will not challenge me.

if they are at my place, then i tell them they must go home. they will also not challenge me.

i do not let myself get tired of people beyond a limited threshold i have in my mind.
i tell then (when i have thought "over and out") that i am finished with the talk.

i let them know i am tired of them, and if they persist to try to talk to me, then they are trespassing on my consciousness in a way.
i do not react well to people insisting on my attention when i am not ready to give it.

i do not get exhausted by people because they can not consume me.

Then I guess my question is, do any of them ever try to talk to you again? Because I've been that abrupt with people in the past, believe me, and they generally don't trouble me after that. Ever. And they let others know. So it's really a "burning your bridges behind you" approach to socializing. As much as I dream of doing it sometimes, I think a lot of people really would regard it as being a tad extreme. And still another difficulty has always been that the really annoying people don't take the hint. Even if you look them in the face and tell them to go away.

Love that.

yes they do.
they are not offended by it because they know i am different, and they know i am that way with everybody and not just them.
all of my friends (i have not many) are pushy, and they have barged through my wall i have between me and the world. when i first meet people, i am mostly rude to them but not in an insulting way. i just indicate that i can not think properly by waving my hand in front of my face for example, and i walk off while they are talking.

some people are intrigued, and they "push" to get to know me, and i will often like to talk to those people.
after some days or weeks, they eventually want to come over to my place and i tell them no, but they keep persisting even though i say i prefer to be alone.

so sometimes i let them come to my place if i am feeling "scintillating" (i.e: when have a "scintilla" of interest in being in company).

i am generally a pompous type of person, and i narrate what i am doing as i go about my affairs while they just sit there and witness.
after a while, i can not be bothered to vocalize what i am thinking, and i tell them i am tired of talking. they are not surprised at what i say, because they saw me in that same demeanor from the first time they laid eyes on me.

they do not think i dislike them or anything when i am tired of them. i never hold any residual feeling like a "grudge" for example, and every one that knows me knows that i am a "minute by minute" person and i do not think in terms of past or future to any real degree.


people like that would not want to know me in the first place. i am not very courteous from the outset (not deliberately).
"people" as you describe would like people who are not like the initial impression they would get from me.

most average people like "niceness" and "agreeableness". if you pretend to be nice and agreeable just to get a friend, and you know that they will sometime soon see your true colors, then you should expect that they will freak out i would suspect. to shock someone is not good.

but pushy friends who will not let you escape despite your rudest treatment of them are very good friends.

"rude" is not malicious, and it is not that ugly.

i am not well thought out tonight so sorry for the "illoquence" of this post.

no it is not that. it is just ensuring that "closing times" are respected.



well the people who i demand to get out are the people who ignore my requirements and remain beyond my toleration.

i am not rude to any of my friends except one who is very passionate and possibly a latent schizophrenic (he is into conspiracy theories (chem trails spreading government engineered swine flu for instance))).

with my normal friends, i just stop listening to them when i want them to go. i may swivel my chair toward the computer screen, and i disengage from them and start to study things i do not describe to them.
they realize in a passive way they are past their "use by" hour, and they generally leave and ring me up the next week when they know i will be ready to see them again.

they are never surprised because they knew i was the way i am when they first met me.