Why can't I be normal?

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I moved into my own place a few months ago and I guess this have given me a bit of space to put things into perspective. I don't have many friends and no full time work but still able go to gigs or to the cinema. I used to hate myself for being the way I am but now think that's a bit of a dead end and I don't really see the point in it.

"Further along the line"? Is that an acceptance thing?

I admit that I am lucky. I have a place of my own (recently, at any rate - spent a few long, hellish months in a flatshare with someone who bullied me because of my AS, which has done bad things to my weight and my confidence) and I can hold down a well-paid job with prospects. But AS makes me unhappy - I really resent having it as part of my life. How the heck am I supposed to be comfortable with it?

Yeah...

I fink 'further along the line' is an acceptance ting.

I struggle to hold down any kind of job and even if I do work, barely earn enough money to make ends meet.

I want to stay in East Ldn but can't afford to and have to move back to my Mum and Dad's place not even in Ldn cus I was too stupid to go on the housing list (although even if I was on the list I would be still years away from getting my own place)...

Truthfully, I wonder how we are supposed to be happy with it, but I think the only possible solution is to resign ourselves to the way we are.

I dunno how we are supposed to be comfortable with it but lots of people seem to be so I just think maybe acceptance comes eventually...

Making ends meet is tough, especially around here. For what I'm paying for a flat, I could rent a small house in a lot of places - I could have cats, and a garden... And I feel especially guilty for getting my job pretty much by accident.

Maybe with a little luck and a lot of work, I can start accessing services and maybe make a little progress. Got about a dozen things to try... can't believe it took me ten years to find out that I had rights to things other than extra time in exams!

What sort of other rights are you able to take advantage of?

I never use extra time in exams anyway because my memory is waay too good! I got 100% for one of my exams at uni hehe!

Now you're just showing off My memory can be patchy, but I was good in exams (English Lit being largely interpretative) - the extra time, and the use of a PC, is because I'm dyspraxic. I can't write long without getting bad cramps, and that's a disadvantage when you're writing essays against the time!

Other rights? Well, I'm still finding that out. I've been advised to get it all on my medical records, which will allow me to access services provided by my local authority.

I'm kind of at the position of doing "Aspie 101" ten years ex post facto. It's tough but I'll get there.
Oh, and it's always nice to see more Londoners

Hehe at least I get to show off about something!

I always write notes on my mac in class unless it's electronics where there's too many diagrams because I find it hard work writing by hand and find it hard to keep up but cus it's a tech course our teachers are cool about us writing on laptops instead of paper. I also record the classes at the same time so that I can listen again because I don't tend to process them very well first time round.

I think there are various things you can apply for once you have a formal diagnosis from a specialist psy but there aren't very many specialist psys in the NHS. I'm diagnosed by a non-specialist psy at the moment and have been waiting months to see a specialist although it is due to happen. The other issue is that there are very few psys who know much about AS in adults. I'm sure once you have a formal diagnosis from a specialist that you can get extra points for housing, and sometimes can get free transport, also you get protection under the DDA so you can be more understood at work, plus I think there are some CBT therapies that can help with AS and also I think there are a few AS groups in Ldn as well although I've not been anywhere like that yet cus I get quite anxious about going places where I don't know anyone!

Too right, I always think that there are nowhere near as many people from the UK on here as from the US

Ain't that the truth. I went to a meetup last weekend, which was kind of fun.
I do have a specialist educational psychologist's assessment, but it looks like my employer is going to pay to get me looked at again, for a couple of reasons.

Anyway. Definitely good to know there's someone local-ish to talk to, because I know things vary a lot in different places. It's hard to give advice (or get advice) when talking to people in, say, the US.

I will try to go to some groups and stuff, maybe once I'm a bit further down the line. I have lots of problems hanging out with NTs. Like, if I hang out with NT females I find it hard to sustain conversation because their interests are so different to mine, but if I hang out with NT males, they're usually after one thing.

At least your employer values you enough to take you seriously. I quite often get in trouble for saying things that I shouldn't say. I think I've rubbed up half the people I work with the wrong way over the last year. I suffer a lot with frustration when other people interfere with my systems!

But hey, I will be leaving my job in two weeks and actually feel better at the thought of it.

Do you think we're hogging this thread?

But I know what you mean. There are only very particular groups of NTs I get on with... they have to be mature, accepting, and able to communicate. It's rare to find, but in friends I'd rather have quality over quantity.

I love myself. I hate my autism. Because I love myself, I do everything in my power to restrict autism's dominion over my life. I see it as a demon possessing me and I do regular spiritual cleansings, which help. Somebody said to me the other day "you have to know your limits, if you try to surpass them you will be very unhappy"

To this I stated: "you have to know your limits to know the best way to break them down". Does anyone here know the saying - "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law"? Because I am autistic, I have more capacity for willpower and concentration ability than the people I've always called "real humans". Because of my disease, I have good grades in economics courses and, because I speak English better than most applicants, I'm in the running for analyst-track positions in the career I want to go into. I'm using autism to conquer autism, like the snake that eats its own tail.

Right now, nobody in any career or educational parts of my life know about my condition, and I intend to keep it that way by keeping my head down and working so much harder than everyone else. Because I need to work so much harder than everyone else. Me getting a 4.0 and having 3-4 extracurriculars and 2-3 internships under my belt is like an NT having a 2.5 and having 1 extracurricular. It's like in the '50s, the African-American community acknowledged that they had to work twice as hard as a Caucasian to have the same achievements in life. And many African-Americans of that generation did achieve, despite discrimination.

For me, the focus has shifted less to being normal and more to beating the NTs at their own (career, business, Wall Street, whatever) game.

I might be being a bit dumb here, but doesn't working in business involve Networking?

For me that's an instant weakness.

Good luck with it but I'm defo sticking to tech stuff.

Tech stuff is definitely my weakness, networking is way more fun IMO even though it's difficult.