Afraid of eye contact? Click here for advice

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I have the opposite problem - I make too much eye contact. I learnt over the years to tolerate eye contact, but now go overboard the other way.

I try to maintain good eye contact, but if the conversation's going fine without it my eyes can roam halfway across the room while I'm still talking. I just prefer conversation without it, but I've been getting better at using it with new people and important conversations, for example. Sometimes I'll tell people I'm still paying attention even though my eyes are wandering.

I've been talking to people about eye contact a lot lately, and experimenting. I usually avoid it, and often it is painful if I force it, but I find that with other aspies and some other people I'm completely comfortable with lots of eye contact. It's because they aren't communicating with their eyes, or at least not something different than they are saying.

When I want to seem neurosocial, I make eye contact for 1 second from time to time. Just enough to not appear evasive. I also look at the bridge of their nose, or their mouth. If I'm thinking I have to stare at a wall, though.

I tell my friends when they have scary eyes, when they have safe eyes, and when their eyes are a carnival side-show. They don't quite understand, but they realize that it isn't just about me avoiding eye contact. And it's funny.

How do you maintain eye contact when it's like you feel people can look into your eyes and see your thoughts? It´s like if someone tries to poke you in the eye and the reflex shuts it down. Once you make real eye contact your eye just automatically turns away, even if it seems unperceptable and you keep looking into their eyes or face, but the connection is interrupted. It´s called eye «contact» because there is a real contact. There is an exchange of information through this contact. Like an energy wave that everyone else seems to use naturally and I just don´t. That's what freeks people (NTs?). They keep looking for that connection and because they can't find it they don't know what to expect from you. It's like an instict that's common to the rest of the world but I don't possess. And the bigger problem is that if you do feel confident enough to look for this eye contact with someone then you're sending out misleading information because you're just not cut out to use this language.

I look at their eye for like a milisecond and then glance to the side, then back to their eyes again, and then glance at their nose or something.

I always look to the side or at their nose or at their forehead. But I always glance when I do that. I used to stare, and they used to think something was on their forehead or their nose. I also used to look down, but I've stopped doing that for obvious reasons.
I think the eyes are terrifying too. I don't know how other people can do that.

I have learned to look people in the eyes long ago. I focus on their pupils and hang on for all I am worth. They will avert their eyes, but I will follow them with my eyes, or they will turn their head and I will turn mine, or lean into them, or just walk around to the front of them again. I have had people close their eyes because I was staring so hard at them they could not cope.
All the time I was blasting their ocular lenses with the full burst of energy from my pea green eyes they were confused of the body and facial language of confrontation and my words of gentle conciliation and friendship.

I suppose my father impressed upon me that one must show respect by looking them in the eye and the more respect they deserved, the more intent you must show your attention. Of course, I took it to the extreme and he created a social monster.

Merle

I get overwhelmed looking into peoples eyes, I look down or glance away, my eyes well up if I notice people staring at me too

I look at people's hair... I feel it's the least scary part.

yeah i usually look at their mouths, especially if they're talking and it's moving. if i have to make eye-contact with someone i know i look at the bags under their eyes, and then i slide up to meet their eyes and then slide down to eye-bags again. i don't think people notice it so much if you look somewhere really really close to their eyes.

if it's someone i've just met for the first time i feel very uncomfortable facing them, like i'd keep turning my face away and turn back again, or i'd look over their heads, or i'd just go stand beside them instead... is that an aspie thing or just plain shyness?

The mouth thing was the trigger for me to think about myself as a autistic person. A program on swedish television tells that autistic persons tend to look at the mouth. For me that explains a lot.
I can't find any useful information from peoples eyes when talking to them. But I feel the pressure to have eye contact so I look at them for a couple of seconds once a while in a conversation.
I will try the face looking style next working day. As a matter of fact I have no friends except from working mates.

Haha, interesting. I like the way you described the asymmetry between your eye contact and words. I have no problem just "turning on" behaviors like that so long as I know you're not going to receive a really negative response for it. I think I'm going to try this. Do people give you any gruff for this manner of eye contact?

What's weird is that I have no problem giving my girlfriend really sort of romantic eye contact (hard to explain) or even strange girls I think are cute. No problem at all. I love seeing them flash a smile at me or whatever. But holy s**t, once you're out of the female romantic interest category, my eye contact plummets to very short awkward bursts. I can barely look my own mother, father, and close friends in the eye (and even my sweet old grandma!). I always tend to associate eye contact with aggression when it's between me and anybody besides random girls or my girlfriend.

Appreciate the advice but if the other person is paying attention they will realize you are not looking them in the eyes and will wonder why.


I have trouble looking into the eyes of a beautiful woman - not because I'm shy but because the longer I keep eye contact the more likely she can read my mind thinking I'd like to do her, so in a way by not holding eye contact I am being more respectful to her "privacy". I know it must sound crazy but it's me.

I have severe problems with this,but somehow i tend to avoid being suspicious.I realized that most people make at least some sort of gesture with their hands while talking,so i follow their hands while they speak.That way everyone thinks i am extremely focused on their discussion and doesn't complain about me not looking at them directly.But when i am speaking i keep looking around or at least in the floor...still have to find a way around this.

Too much eye contact and you could be seen as either challenging them or ogling them. Staring at people is rude.
Too little eye contact when talking to a person shows you are not interested in them. The eyes give away a lot of emotions and feelings about a person. Dark glasses may be the answer.

that's really clever I started focusing on the hole face or mouth awhile ago (when I remember to keep my head up). Anyone here notice they can make eye contact w/ some people but not others? I'm good usually w/ others on the spectrum, immediate family (when stepmom's not pissy) & a few friends at college (but not all)? Seems to me the more comfortable I am w/ the person fro the start, the easier looking into their eyes is... kinda why I buy (don't know if its correct spelling sorry ) into the "eyes are the windows to the soul" idea... sometimes you just don't wanna see it...

Yeah, I remember learning something similar as a teen, which helped a lot. Looking from the eyes, to the mouth, to the gesticulation, etc.. Apparently just staring at the eyes can be disconcerting.